My first attempt at writing a fairy tale was deemed a success. Here is another one.

Lord-Great-Jaguar-Paw ruled a kingdom so old and ancient the homes and palaces were heated with rocks still cooling down. Lord-Great-Jaguar-Paw was king as his name was voted “Most butch”. 

Lord-Great-Jaguar-Paw (known to his mother as Kitten) lorded over a very large province and a large family. His children were a source of great joy – and a puzzlement - for surely, he had ED. Yet every year Queen-Sheila-Badger-Breath put out another child. 

“Goodness knows where she gets them!” he would cry out.  

Some of his children were a worry. His oldest was a charming boy who liked nothing better than to make paper airplanes and race cars out of pinewood. Since neither of these means of transport would be invented for 3000 years, no one understood what the hell they were for.  

The next son was a merry lad who liked nothing more than to arrange flowers and design next year’s robes for the high priests. He also choreographed the slaves who danced at state banquets.

”He will make some woman a good husband’ LGJP would say to with satisfaction.  

The third son had the unfortunate name of Evelyn. Apparently no one looked too closely when he was born, and by the time of his baptism, it was too late. 

In a month that had two Mondays in the same week, Evelyn fell sick. He was speaking in tongues nonstop. At first it was assumed he was having blessings from the gods; people came from afar to hear his words. But soon it became apparent Evelyn was as crazy as a shi-t house rat.  

LGJP called for Fabulous-Spo-Hugger-of-Bears, M.D. to practice his craft. FSHB realized if he was discovered for the great physician he was, he would never be released from service. Besides, he had theatre tickets that evening. He denied who he was. But with threats to cut off his tea supply, he changed his mind.

He performed his shaman dancing and sang prayers. He injected Thorazine. Lo!  Evelyn was better and FSHB’s worse fears were realized: he was appointed court shrink to LGJP.  

He became famous for his healing. A little blue diamond shaped pill from the far off kingdom of Pfizer cured LGJP of his personal problem, much to the chagrin of his wife.

He cured the queen of depression. He chose not to use the old Sumerian recipe of smashed pearls, cobra venom and mare’s blood (a remedy that killed as swift as any knife to the side). Rather, he administered a little green and white pill. Her relief was great but she was no longer interested in sex, let alone with Jaguar.  

So LGJP took a new wife and soon there were another troop of kiddies banging into the palace furniture. 

To everyone’s surprise, Sheila did not hate the new queen. 

The moral of this legend?  People are incalculable.