For 20 years I have heard about the legendary GAYCARD.
Usually the GAYCARD is mentioned when Somebody (no relation to Someone) says their GAYCARD is going to be revoked because they are not doing, have, or know something that is required by the GAYCARD.
I thought only two activities would be on the GAYCARD (No, I won’t spell them out, lest my family is reading this).
Apparently it is not that simple. I’ve heard hints what may be on the GAYCARD. For example, Someone wants to revoke my GAYCARD because I don’t like Judy Garland.
Listening to They-are-going-to-revoke- my-GAYCARD statements from so many people makes me guess some of the other items are:
Knowledge of Broadway musicals.
An ability to cook.
Regular TV viewing of The Golden Girls or Project Runway.
Your nipples are an erogenous zone.
The ability to quote lines from “The Women” and “Mame”
(Rosalind Russell)
Firm buttocks.
You don’t think immediately of cheese stuffed jalapeños when someone mentions ‘poppers’.
Cher and Madonna CDs.
Shoes and belt that match at all times.
You watch the Golden Globe Awards - to see the dresses.
Brunch on Sundays.
You shop at IKEA.
What the hell is on the GAYCARD?
Does anybody have any ideas?
24 comments
Comments feed for this article
June 28, 2008 at 11:54 pm
David
Well I have failed on at least 5 of those requirements so I guess I have to hand in my Gaycard then.
Urspo - given you are the grand poobah of contemporary diva worship, I would think you have additional cards.
June 29, 2008 at 12:49 am
Maddog
I think the most important item you left off the Gay Card was your commitment to recruiting. The card I was issued years ago said that I had to recruit at least 10 new members each year. I’ve had some success with this across the years. Personally speaking, I recruited at least 10 new members since I’ve been in Oklahoma. Remember recruitment is the only reason our choses lifestyle is becoming more and more recognized.
June 29, 2008 at 5:00 am
jay
You understand the phrase “Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death.” OOps thats’ from a musical , isn’t it?
June 29, 2008 at 6:06 am
tigeryogiji
You forgot to mention required viewing of “The Tony Awards” each season!
Urspo - it is a subset of the “Broadway” aspect.
June 29, 2008 at 6:59 am
Lewis
i may have mine pulled after i admit that i have never seen Project Runway and that my nipples are not an erogenous zone. nor do I have any interest in the Tony’s, Emmy’s or the like. Or any part of Hollywood, for that matter. I don’t own any Cher or Madonna CDs and don’t know the words to Mame or The Women. I know some Broadway stuff, but not a lot. ON THE OTHER HAND: My ass is pretty damned small, but not so bad to look at or feel up…and I do cook a fantastic meal….and Ikea and I have become pretty good friends with this move to the small condominium coming up. So, I’m not sure. Do I turn in the card or not????
Urspo - Your’e hired! When can you start?
June 29, 2008 at 8:06 am
Kelly Stern
Ahhh the card… we each have our uses for it… some more than others… you only really have to turn it in if you sleep with someone of the opposite sex… so keep it in your wallet… use it when you want… hehehe
June 29, 2008 at 8:15 am
Sean
We are revoking your gaycard for not knowing what it is. To correct Maddog (love ya, MD, but this has got to be rectified), you get the gay card once you’ve earned your first toaster oven. The TOASTER OVEN is what you get for recruitment. Maddog, I’ll expect your gaycard to be delivered to my home along with Spo’s within ten days. Luckily for both of you, there are WAYS of earning them back without having to wait the full 60 day suspension. (Hey, look at that, the credit line on my gaycard just went up, which happens every time I make a sexual innuendo. My current credit line is infinity…)
Urspo - they haven’t yet given me a GAYCARD. I do have DISCOVER.
June 29, 2008 at 8:23 am
Robert
In addition to the mentioned items, these are some requirements to the gay card:
1. Manscaping
2. A large assortment of beauty products. Moisturizers, designer colognes, hair gel, hair spray, hair dryer, eyebrow plucker, etc.
3. A walk-in closet (or two) of clothes and shoes.
4. The ability to decorate a house.
I could lose my gay card because I in addition to the above I also know how to work on a car like a straight guy. *GASP!*
Urspo these sound like good GAYCARD criteria - the last bit sounds is on the GAYCARD for dykes.
June 29, 2008 at 10:43 am
Robert
I use that as my Costco card as well, with 1% rebate on everything!
June 29, 2008 at 10:57 am
Lemuel
Well I failed 7 of your list.
I failed Kelly’s list. (At least I’m not doing it anymore. Well, I am. Sleeping, that is. Just sleeping. I’m not….oh, nevermind…)
And I failed 2 of Robert’s 4.
My gay card looks like a piece of scherrenschnitte!
Urspo - I still think there are only 2 real important criteria, so if you have’em you get a card as far as I am concerned.
June 29, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Maggie
Being a straight female, the only way I could possibly think of defining
“The GayCard” was to google and The Urban Dictionary gave me this…….
Gay Card
The mythical figurative membership credential carried by gay men to commemorate the innate knowledge, ability, or sensibility with regard to any subject matter traditionally and generally considered to be the purview of gay men, such as show tunes, color coordination, fashion, hairstyling, interior decoration, or knowing whether any particular man in the vicinity is gay without requiring him to present his gay card.
Me, myself and I, think it is just a term used to discredit any gay person whose likes or dislikes, don’t fit into the stereotypical gay persona.
June 29, 2008 at 1:13 pm
DougT
Well, I used to lose points for #5 but not anymore. Oh, l’amour, l’amour…I blame you, Someone and Scott for influencing me there. I fail all of Robert’s and either 9 or 10 of yours (but not Kelly’s). The tossup is #6. I used to get compliments (from both men and women). It’s been a couple of years. I may have aged past that, but I’m trying to refuse to believe it.
Maggie-
>Me, myself and I, think it is just a term used to discredit any gay person whose likes or dislikes, don’t fit into the stereotypical gay persona.
Possibly, though I have found it more likely to be used in a self-deprecating context. Witness a lot of the comments on this thread.
June 29, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Maggie
Doug T, I’m sorry I wasn’t more explicit with my comment, but that is exactly what I meant.
I agree with you completely!
June 29, 2008 at 2:17 pm
mo
I had to Laugh Out Loud at the Poppers line.
You’d think some savvy bank would issue a GayCard MasterCard. Because you know Shopping + Gays = a golden opportunity for issuers of credit cards.
June 29, 2008 at 5:42 pm
sortedlives
I only have four items:
Shoes and belts match
Sunday Brunch
Ability to Cook
Firm Buttocks
And the added items:
Determine good wine from two-buck Chuck
Sniff out straight guys who want to be gay
Live WITHIN my means
Have the four “-tions”: transportaTION, occupaTION, habitaTION, and affirmaTION.
June 30, 2008 at 9:30 am
fairygaymother
If you really want the whole story, including delightful funny videos, you need to visit http://www.MyVeryOwnGayCard.com
All in fun. Enjoy!
June 30, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Tony
I can not believe that next to the Judy G requirement that You along with every other commenter have missed the most obvious: Your gay card will be revoked immediately for not liking Barbra Streisand and everything that is Barbra.
(Strike that I just almost lost my card, I meant to say “not loving”. You must LOVE Barbra. Whew that was close. I don’t know what I was thinking. I believe if you miss this one Barbra comes over herself to collect the card)
June 30, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Mark
I would not revoke your card…you’re sweet and kind and thoughtful. My only gay requirements. Oh, and quite handsome, too.
June 30, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Mike aka Pistolotto
I don’t remember who said it, but the quote was something like this:
“Judy Garland. She’s dead. Get over it.”
July 1, 2008 at 9:34 am
Steven
Don’t forget when the person has no idea who the “friend of Dorothy” is.
July 1, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Raybob
Although very atypically gay, my ex partner’s gay card had the amazing ability to confer on him a flawless hue-memory. On the few occasions we actually shopped for things, I’d pick out a pillow or something like that that I thought might go with things we already had, and he’d say, “no, it has too much purple in the blue”. ?? WTF? And he’d always be right. I’m lucky I remembered what color the walls were.
July 1, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Pink
such pressure!
July 3, 2008 at 1:08 am
zeph
Oh, I barely qualify for any of those. I do have more than a few ideas of what to do with a naked man, though. I’m pretty sure that’s the key qualification but, I’m willing to do them without the card, if need be.
July 3, 2008 at 10:17 am
Doug
Perhaps we need to invent a “Human Card.”