I ask new patients a lot of standard questions. One question I ask is ‘What is it you want?”

A common reply is: “I want to be happy.”  

Happiness is a tricky thing. Everybody talks about wanting it; most of the time the desire for happiness is at most a vague concept. Few really know what happiness means. They want it that’s all.

 I often start with what happiness is NOT <

 Happiness is not a thing.

I cringe whenever I hear the response to ‘What would make you happy?” is ‘winning the lottery’ or ‘having enough money’ or ‘a new wife’. I seldom – ever? – encounter people made happy through the acquisition of material objects.

 Happiness is not an end product.

This is nicknamed ‘The Promised Land’.  People often feel if they got somewhere or achieve something this will create happiness. Common “Promised Land” items are: retirement, getting married, surgeries, and getting out of a job. And then all the disappointments arise.

Harper in “Angels of America” says;

“They drag you on your knees through hell and when you get there (Utah) the water is undrinkable. Salt. It’s a Promised land, but what a disappointing promise!”

 Happiness is not a permanent state of being.

When oh when did people start thinking that when they become happy this will always be how they feel? 

And   

Happiness is only for a few lucky individuals. 


So what is happiness?

Happiness is a byproduct of functioning well, a feeling of ‘good enough’ about yourself and your life. It is sort of like heat being given off by a well run machine, quietly humming along.  And most of the time happiness is right at hand– you are missing it because you are distracted or expecting fireworks announcing “Congratulations! YOU ARE HAPPY!”

Think of it this way. Most people realize happiness in hindsight. They recall this or that time when they were happy. But if they were to travel back in time to meet themselves and ask ‘are you happy?”, the past self would look surprised.  The past self would reply “What are you talking about? I am too busy with my friends and family, doing my job, and running errands”.

 I advise patients not to be so conscious about pursuing happiness. Be conscious of the happiness in the mawkish and the mundane. Be as well as they can be, and grow. The quiet satisfaction of living a good Life is the happiness they are seeking.

And don’t peg your happiness on a lottery ticket or in another move or a new lover. And never compare your happiness to others.  

Hardly spectacular – but it is makes for real happiness.