Recently a patient asked me if anybody ever figured the answer to Sigmund Freud’s famous question “What do women want?”. 

Yes, we have figured out the answer.  

Women want equality to men.                  ‘Nuff said. 

 

Since my time with any one patient is limited, I sometimes need to compress a complex psychodynamic theory or idea into a memorable statement not too absurd sounding. I call this my Anna Russell technique. My mind skims months of theory, crunches it like a defragmenting computer program. I pause and says the ‘take home sentence’. 

Most of the time this works. 

I am often amazed what comes out. 

I don’t add “I’m not making this up you know!”

 

A patient overdue for an appointment who calls for prescriptions are nicknamed “Ralph”.

This honorable title is in memory of a patient named Ralph (obviously). Ralph would call for a Rx, then cancel the appointment after it was called in. After catching him a few times doing this, Ralph was given no more refills until seen in clinic.  

 

A patient doing well but ‘needs to see them from time to time’ have the nickname “Snert’. This is a Dutch soup/stew that is “fine as it is”. These patients are doing fine, never have any problems but are obliged to show up so I can say I saw them. Usually within a minute I know they are still doing fine. Then they shoo away for another 4 months or so.  

It is my hope to turn all patients into Snerts. 

 

And patients who have a lot of drama, woe, and symptoms are “Zorgenkinder”

This German word roughly translates to “Children of Worry”.  Bless their hearts, they never seem to have a break from storms at home/work/life. Ironically many Zorgenkinder are relatively stable in their continuing catalog of crisis. 

Sometimes the treatment is not to fix, but to support or admire their battles.