Evolution suggests the vast majority of life is now extinct. What is alive is mere tiny tip of an iceberg consisting of millions of years of flora and fauna. The present species are merely the end twig of a large many branched bush.
Friendships mimic evolution. As a boy I figured by the time I was an old man I would have accumulated so many friends there would be too many to count. What is happening is the opposite; as I age the number of friends and contacts narrows.
This observation is on my mind due to Facebook. Facebook keeps introducing people it thinks want to be my friend. Facebook reminds me (via high school and college sites) of the many people I used to know. Many names/people I know longer recognize.
Every time I advance a step, people from the previous chapter of my life become lost. I first witnessed this when I went to junior high. The phenomena repeated itself from high school to college, from college to med school, etc.
Moving from place to place is even more prone to losing connections.
It is rather sobering to think about the vast amount of people no longer around.
Still using the evolution/friends metaphor, the ‘survival of the fittest’ warrants examination. Perhaps a few people at most from each time of my life hang on, sometimes only by a periodic email. Why did these ‘survive’ and others do not?
It is rather sad to think about the lost ones. My residency class had six people. We worked closely for four years; we became bonded. There were vows to stay in touch and always be friends. I don’t know where any of them are now; a few I have not heard of since 1992. I miss them. Searches to locate them have been so far fruitless.
I’ve located a few long lost colleagues; only one has responded to my telephone or email requests to get in touch.
I find it ironic in this age of email, cellphones, blogs, Facebook etc. technology seems inadequate to overcome the consequence of passing time.
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July 13, 2009 at 6:58 PM
jason
I think about the same thing myself….often. I don’t have a single friend from my childhood still around. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, however.
Most of those disappeared as I left school.
Katrina dealt another blow to friendships….but normal attrition I guess you could call it keeps it going. I’d like to think that the friends I have now will stay forever, but who knows. Experience teaches me otherwise. It’s never the ones you think who remain with you most faithfully either. Strange.
At my most idealistic, most pie-in-the-sky flakiest, I like to imagine that ultimately we’ll all be reunited in the End. I hope that’s true.
July 13, 2009 at 7:36 PM
Larry Ohio
Thanks for your evolution/friendship metaphor. That’s a good way to think of how friends come and go throughout your life.
Another metaphor may also be appropriate for some friends. Think of your early friends as your baby teeth. They are very useful for years, then as you mature they fall away and are replaced by others.
I experienced my own Facebook event just this evening, coincidentally. I joined FB a week ago and tonight out of the blue I got 8 friend requests from high school classmates I haven’t seen in 25 years. Seven of these people I not only haven’t seen, but haven’t even thought of. I’m thinking hard what to do next.
July 13, 2009 at 9:29 PM
jay Cole Simser
I get very sad when someone who I thought was a friend either just drops me or talks about me behind my back. There is a line from a Hymn “False Friends are Foes, Truth tatters those.” I guess that is what they were. I actually think of some of my blogfriends as closer to some I actually see in person. We support each other and help each other through trying times. Laugh and cry together. To me that is what friends are for. Hugs, j
July 13, 2009 at 10:57 PM
Neil
If human hearts are not willing, technology only emphasizes the distance.
July 13, 2009 at 11:28 PM
Peter
Just the other day I talked with a friend about birthdays, she reminded me of the way I used to celebrate mine, 3 months after the official date [12/25] with a large brunch at home or at a restaurant. We both wondered what had happened to all those people who attended then.
My world has shrunk too, from those 15 people 10 years ago I only am befriended with her and the rest, other real friends, you can count on the fingers of half a hand.
When I got sick eight years ago that tradition of brunches stopped and almost all of those people disappeared out of my life.
Is that evolution… too?
July 14, 2009 at 2:14 AM
Rick
I find the Internet to be a great tool to reconnect. I would never have been reacquainted with people from high school had it not been for Facebook. Also, it’s a great way to “keep” in touch with newer friends. Perhaps as the Internet evolves, we’ll find the withering of friends not to be as dramatic.
July 14, 2009 at 4:43 AM
TigerYogiji
I find myself in the same boat as you. I have noticed it in my parent’s lives too, so I don’t think that it’s limited to just our generation. Who can say?
July 14, 2009 at 6:05 AM
Ultra Dave
Yep, that seems to happen a lot in life. I figure we have people in a lives at different times to help us along in our evolution. Each person teaches us something important in becoming who we are. Some reappear others do not. Having lost so many close friends, I’ve learned to value whatever time I have with those left and vowed to put more effort in to strengthening and deepening those bonds. I consider everyone I meet to be a friend until proven otherwise.
July 14, 2009 at 8:52 AM
BearToast Joe
I had few (if any) close friends through school. The three closest from college all died (suicide, car crash). That part of my life seems empty. I’ve not done the “bonding thing” well.
And, with the fear, shame, and denial I lived with in the closet, I seldom (if ever) reached out or made friends. Now things have changed.
Coming out has helped me do just that, “come out” from under a bushel! Though I know all won’t be there forever, I am adjusting to having good, caring, authentic friends. I rejoice.
It sure took me long enough!
July 14, 2009 at 9:28 AM
Jim
I think it’s just the ebb and flow of life, new friends come into your life as old friends leave. A sad as it is for the old ones to lose touch, its just as nice meeting new folks. IMHO.
July 14, 2009 at 1:30 PM
Birdie
We reach for those who fulfill a need. Needs change. Some few friends are with us for a lifetime, others for a time in our lives. That’s as it should be. Remember the old friendships with fondness and pick up the phone to meet up with someone you need to see (or may need to see you).
July 14, 2009 at 3:18 PM
Shawn
You are on my twig end of friendship, even though I have never met you face to face.
July 15, 2009 at 1:45 PM
matty03
I decided a while back that a person is lucky to have 3 or 4 really close friends. And, a person is blessed to be able to remain close to a friend for more than a few years.
I am blessed with some great friends.
I think life just gets more and more complicated — and even more scary in many ways — as we get older.
It would seem that it should be the other way around, but I don’t think it is.
I don’t know that we even get wiser as we age — I think we just have more maturity to handle the bumps that come along.
Sometimes I wish I just lived ‘in the moment’ like our dog.