Spo-bits on oral matters

I came home from PA last weekend with a nasty cold. I took the Christian Scientist approach and tried to ‘unsee it’ but the virus has been vigorous and it refuses to ‘unsee’ me. In its departure it is giving me a Parthian shot of larygnitis. My throat is dancing a waltz, going from soreness to coughing to loss of voice. When I speak at all I sound like Harvey Fierstein; most of the time I speak in only a whisper.  This makes my job difficult, for I ask a lot of questions throughout the day. Alas, only a few of my patients know ASL, and even less appreciate my attempts at communication through the means of interpretative dance.

Speaking of my mouth, last weekend I purchased a tongue scraper. It was recently brought to my attention a) the mouth is full of bacteria (which I knew) and b) the tongue’s crevices are full up with dross (which was news to me).  So I thought I would give it a try.  I discovered putting a stick down my pharynx evokes instant and profound gaging . I was mildly surprised I have a gag reflex anymore. But practice makes perfect. With regular insertions I am no longer choking. Each morning my tongue is brushed, followed by a good scrape. It brings up something and I admit it looks unpleasant.

So far I haven’t noticed any change in my breath or improvement in my taste abilities, but it is jolly good fun.

Since I am on the topic of oral hygiene I am experimenting on what works best for a sore throat.  Listerine doesn’t seem too efficacious at deadening sore tonsils, but there is a grim satisfaction knowing I am killing some of the bacterial bastards.  A shot of more concentrated alcohol (did someone say bourbon?) seems to deaden the throat pain better, but it is an awful waste to use single malts as a mouthwash. Someone’s mother’s panacea for most ills was gargling with warm salt water. I have tried this a few times and I judge it better than Scope or Seagram’s by a country mile (although it ranks lowest for taste).

I am looking forward to the return of my voice and my throat to normalcy. Add to the recipe a cleansed tongue and a lessened gag reflex and my mouth will be ship-shape and ready for action.

I have thought of editing that last sentence for it sounds slightly suggestive. But I decided not to do so; I thought it oddly lovely.