Brother #3 and family are in town this weekend. Last night while visiting the cousins one of them asked Someone and I how long we have been together (13 years). She wanted to know ‘what was the secret‘ of achieving this. Our immediate responses:

“Gin and Tonic”


“Saying sorry even when you don’t mean it”

(Someone added he will inform them if this occurs)


“His legs”

Besides the opportunity to be clever, I wanted to cover up the sheepish truth I don’t really know and/or there is no ‘secret’.  I haven’t much thought about it. That sounds rather bad coming from an analyst, no?  In residency we were sternly warned not to make our relationships into a case study for it was the surest way to destruction. I’ve kept a ‘zen’ like approach to it. By letting it ‘be’ it has become as natural as breathing – continually going on without conscious operation.

“The secret of staying together” may be based on simple truisms neither romantic nor cosmic.

Here are some replies I could have said.

These are what came into my head this morning at 4AM.

“Because I promised”.

In 2000, on the southern tip of the Big Island in Hawaii, I promised Someone I would be with him. I did not know how, but I would try, one day at a time. And 13 years later, here we are.

“We remain ourselves”

Both of us have kept some private Self attributes. We still have individual interests and hobbies and quirks the other doesn’t try to ‘improve” or eradicate.

This weekend I will think some more about this.

I am curious to know from Spo-fans what you all see as ‘the secret’ to your relationships.

Do share.