I am thinking about having a cup of coffee.

Spo-fans know I am fond of tea. Not a day goes by when I don’t have a cup of lovely tea – brown, green, white, Oolong – hot or iced. However, I am developing some tolerance for tea; it no longer perks me up and gets me going. I used to feel good tea has only a minimal amount of caffeine, but my need to stay awake is beginning to get the upper hand. So perhaps coffee is worth a try.

When I announced this to Someone he gave me a look I have seen only twice before. The first time was when I bought a T-Shirt saying “This is what a REAL feminist looks like”; the other time was when I was disclosed I thought “Phantom of the Paradise” was a brilliant film.  He doesn’t drink coffee, so he is no help.

Happily, I am surrounded by pod people / coffee drinkers who are eager to lend support to make sure my experience is ‘a really good cup’. The joke’s on them – I wouldn’t know a good cup from sludge.  I may bypass their advice and go to The Evil Empire A.K.A Starbucks.

Everyday I witness a long line of cars at the nearby Starbuck’s (mostly SUVs and Hummers – is this a requirement for drinking coffee?) . Apparently few people actually park and go into the place.  I went in one last year, to wait for my broker. The visit gave me an opportunity to observe the tribal behaviors of Coffee Drinkers. I felt like Margaret Meade amidst the Bantus. “What a find!” I wanted to write the National Geographic.

I’ve seen old prints of coffee houses from the 1700s. Coffee houses seem like jolly places full of social intercourse.  Apparently I came at a bad time for all the patrons in this coffee house were either talking on phones, plugged into ipods, or engrossed in laptops.  No one was talking, not even making any eye contact with each other.

Coffee drinkers seem to be rather specific in their wants. Apparently one does not order ‘a cup of coffee’ but a concoction with several ingredients. Who knew coffee was so complicated?  One of my receptionists (who is never seen without a tall cardboard cup) tells me most “Friends of Starbucks” tend to go to the same place so their order is known to the minions.

I don’t want to appear an idiot when I go, so I have rehearsed an order made from various overheard orders.

I can’t wait to go in, look the Minion in the eye and say quickly and with confidence –

“I want a tall half-skinny half-1 percent extra hot split quad shot (two shots decaf, two shots regular) latte with whip!

or, if they are fresh out of that:

I want a double shot no foam triple vanilla soy tall latte with a dash of cinnamon and two drops of virgin’s blood!

Goodness knows what this all means, but it sounds authoritative.