Every morning when I get my roster I look it over to see if I have any problematic patients. This is not a custom particular to me; all doctors do it. Doctors often don’t see patients in terms of diagnosis or conditions. They see them as types.
“Blanks” – these names evoke no emotions. I recognize the names, but there is no immediate recall as to who they are/ why they are here. This is usually a ‘good sign’ viz. “Blanks” are not problematic.
“Zorgenkinder” are the sad sorts. They are so not so much what is wrong or bad in their lives, but a gloomy pessimism is their forte. Medieval doctors would call them “Saturnine” or say they have too much black bile. If you ever heard Noel Coward’s “There are bad times just around the corner.” you know what I mean by Zorgenkinder.
“Squirrels” – Folks with active ADHD or mania or eccentricities often come in bouncing. “My mother has a saxaphone but two keys are broken and once I fell on my head and I had three stitches right here but my husband cut himself while shaving today…” They are usually pleasant but they can be exhausting to follow or keep in the chair.
“Hand Holders” – This sort of patient can be positive or negative. The positive ones like to come in regularly although they are well. The like to ‘check in’. I ask what is news/how they are doing. I may give them some bit of advice and encouragement. There will always be a powerful healing force of figuratively holding another’ hand.
The negative HH comes in regularly to complain or spew their grief. I either can’t or shouldn’t try to ‘fix’ them; my job is to reflect back their affect and give some sort of ‘that’s too bad’ feedback. They don’t improve but they are stable. I’ve learned the hard way some people can’t or do not want to be better.
“Drama Queens” (of either sex). ‘Nuff said. You all know these sorts.
“Snerts” – These patients are fine really, but I have to see them from time to time. They come in as I ask them to do so, every 4-6 months. Within seconds I can tell they are still fine. I go through my routine questions; they reply all is well. Nothing is on their mind. I try to expand the appointment so it won’t last literally a minute. After I conclude they are still Snert, they go away for another long interim.
Last week, a patient came in and said “Yes, I am still a Snert, can I go now?”.
21 comments
July 15, 2010 at 10:44 PM
Tai
I wanna hold your hand, I wanna hold your hand 😀
July 16, 2010 at 1:08 AM
dancingwithfrogs
You missed the “delightful” category.
I’m sure I’d be filed under that one.
July 16, 2010 at 5:10 AM
Urspo
almost by definition I do not see ‘delightful’ patients.
July 16, 2010 at 1:08 AM
Peter
Now you tell me! The other meaning of snert[s], that is. 😉
July 16, 2010 at 2:55 AM
Lemuel
The snert paragraph somewhat brought to my mind my relationship with my medical doctor (g.p.). Each time I see him he makes an appointment for me to come back to see him in 3 to 4 months. When I return, the first question out of his mouth is “why are you here?” D’oh!
July 16, 2010 at 3:34 AM
Rick
Great categories. Which is the worst…problematic for you?
July 16, 2010 at 5:08 AM
Urspo
Probably the drama queens – they take up a lot of energy; never a dull moment !
July 16, 2010 at 4:51 AM
foxystone
I am a snert. I need to see my doctor every 6 months and the meeting literally lasts 5 minutes.
July 16, 2010 at 6:51 AM
Cubby
What about the ones there by court order?
July 16, 2010 at 7:31 PM
Urspo
I haven’t had one in ages .
July 16, 2010 at 7:02 AM
D. Dave
Okay, all I can find online for SNERT is: acronym for Snot Nosed Egotistical Rude Teen (or Twit), Sexually Nerdishly Expressive Recidivistic Troll, or a traditional Dutch pea soup. I’m sure to be embarrassed when you tell me how obvious it is that snerts are “patients [who] are fine really”.
July 16, 2010 at 7:31 PM
Urspo
they are dutch soups.
July 16, 2010 at 8:18 AM
jefferyrn
I guess I am Zorgenkinder.
“the face was saturnine and swarthy, and the sensual lips…twisted with disdain”- Oscar Wilde
July 16, 2010 at 9:23 AM
Greg
I believe I fall into the Snert category.
July 16, 2010 at 10:10 AM
Mark
I would probably be a hand holdee. Not sure if negative or postive, probably sometimes both.
July 16, 2010 at 7:30 PM
Urspo
I would be glad to hold your hand etc.
July 16, 2010 at 11:39 AM
Blobby
I don’t understand why you think the gays (assuming many of your readers are) would know about ‘drama queens’. hmphf!
July 16, 2010 at 7:29 PM
Urspo
Spo fans are all well mannered natty gentlemen or well dressed elegant ladies or both.
July 17, 2010 at 3:45 AM
Blobby
Spo fans are all well mannered natty gentlemen
Ohhhhh…..fags, then. 🙂
July 16, 2010 at 12:09 PM
Tonya
my mom was the happiest i’ve ever seen her when they told her she had cancer. what type is she?
i googled bow ties and found this blog. pretty good stuff.
July 17, 2010 at 6:19 AM
rg
I’m definitely a SNERT.