I woke this morning around 4AM to a sharp metallic poke coming from underneath my back. There was a thin metal curve just under the sheet, I suspected the mattress had blown a spring. Upon more careful investigation, this turned out to be a wire hanger. Someone had changed the sheets and made the bed over it. I got up, tore up the bed, and woke Someone who heard me recite a few lines from “Mommie Dearest”. The dramatic scene quickly died down and we all went back to sleep.

I sleep on the port side, which is the left to you landlubbers. Someone is starboard – when he is there. He often falls asleep on the living room couch watching TV, so we seldom retire together. When he can’t sleep (which is often) he gets up to go back to the TV and couch, so I usually wake up alone as well. Like Cupid and Psyche* this gives me the odd feeling of always sleeping alone.

When we are together, I sleep on my left side and he sleeps on his right. Since infancy I have slept with a pillow between my arms.

Harper’s presence has altered the dynamics of the sleeping arrangements. She starts on my side of the bed, and she doesn’t move easily. Someone and I are like two crescent moons facing outwards with her at the centre – forming the symbol for Pisces**.  We stay still; she moves about. Ordered to the end of the bed at the start of the day, Harper often ends up parallel with our heads. In the morning I turn over to greet Someone only to have a hound dog staring at me. She likes to lick foreheads.

I can’t fall asleep with a TV around, so there is no TV in the bedroom. Someone can’t fall asleep with me reading. And I am now forbidden to eat late night nibbles in bed. Too many crumbs; and with Harper I can’t munch in peace anyway. There is always the guest bedroom if somebody can’t sleep, or there is a row. Since Henrik is over there, I don’t go often.  Harper and Someone may sometimes be a nuisance, but a mopey ghost is even more distracting.

Someone snores; I don’t – despite what he says. Do not dare to question this.

We both tend to plug ourselves into iphones.

I don’t like to sleep with anything on. Except in winter, when I don thick wooly sox and some flannel boxers.


*Go look it up. It is a great story. 

**There is a line from “Cabaret” that goes..”I sleep in the middle, she’s left and she’s right. But there’s room on the bottom if you drop in some night!”