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I had my ‘mid-life crisis’ early in life. Circumstances forced me to go through The Nekyia** in my 30s.  As a consequence, my 40s have within them the sort of the wisdom most men don’t experience until their 50s-70s. The positive side of this early Journey : I have felt more certain of who I am, compared to most other men my age. The negative? : I feel old. I feel having missed some youthful folly time. I feel a bit cheated.

As my 40s come to a close this summer, I have emotions about reaching the end of Life. Intellectually this is nonsense: I have 40 years to go (Lord willing)!  Yet I catch myself feeling things normally done in a man’s 70s and 80s. I meditate upon what has been done and not done – and the time left to complete dreams. While there is “wrong” in my life, there is a sensation of complacency, and going towards the grave. Nekyia #2 seems to be forming.

Lately these pangs happen frequently, and they are most experienced when I am alone or being quiet. Sunday nights are the worst, whenI prepare for another work week no different than last.  What I need I suppose is a shake up.  When a woman tires of herself she changes the way she does her hair or hires a new cook, or decorates the house (to quote a wise woman).  I don’t have that much hair, and we just painted the house. Someone does the cooking – he’s tenured.  🙂

I am not clear what to do about this subjective stagnation, but I know enough to be patient.  The Cheshire Cat promises if I walk long enough, I will get somewhere.


 **Mid-life crisis.

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March 2012

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