On the south wall of my office there is a window that gets no beam during the summer time, for then the sun is too high to shine into it. This week at noon there is a sliver of sunshine coming through the pane and down on to the carpet; the sun has lowered on the horizon enough to herald the the arrival of autumn. This triggered my fall melancholia; I feel a bit of it coming on.
Newer Spo-fans may not know I have a variety of “SAD” (Seasonal Affective Disorder). It roughly parrelels hurricane season – later August through mid-October. I don’t get horribly depressed. Rather I feel a sense of futility and sadness of time passing and the disappointments of my life. I know this well enough not to despair, for it never gets too bad, and it goes away with the approach of Hallowe’en. Some years it is a bitch; other years it ain’t so bad.
Curiously, rather than feeling sad about my shortcomings and what I am missing in Life, I am ruminating on house repairs. There are so many things around the house I wish to repair or remedy. Labor Day weekend is coming up, and I am tempted to do just that viz. work. I should make a list of things to do and have at it. It is even more curious I should think of working for I am up to my ears (again) with office work. I don’t need ‘more’. Sometimes it feels work is all I am go for. This is the SAD talking. It does play mind games and clouds my thinking.
I’ve not been sleeping well lately (worse luck). Perhaps I will blow off the entire weekend and sleep through it. I have never done that, other than in severe sickness when I had no choice but to be all day in bed. It sounds delicious viz. staying put and doing nothing, and letting the world whiz by without me.
What I need isn’t sleep or work but a hug, a fun cocktail (no rubbish) and a few things I won’t write out lest my family is reading this. Shopping is helpful. All my trousers are frayed at the cuffs; it is time to get new khakis.
While I am out perhaps I should purchase another bottle of bourbon – I am not really drinking them but it is fun to build my collection !
Spo-Reflections 
12 comments
August 29, 2012 at 8:13 PM
Brent
This season always finds me listening to Loreena McKennitt’s “Lady of Shalott.” It has just the right autumnal feel coupled with melancholy and a dash of love’s possibility.
August 29, 2012 at 8:48 PM
Erik Rubright
I’d say fly to New Orleans for the weekend to revel in the debauchery known as Southern Decadence. And to get a hug.
But since most flights gave no been bumped until Saturday, I feel there won’t be much decadence this year. But at least there is alcohol.
August 30, 2012 at 7:02 AM
JimA
Perhaps a quick trip to Dallas…?? You won’t be SAD here!
August 30, 2012 at 8:07 AM
Urspo
Indeed not ! I would be in euphoria!
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August 29, 2012 at 10:05 PM
Jay
Funny, I never experienced that sort of thing. I suppose I was too busy with a new class of fifth or sixth graders. Your idea of purchasing a new bottle (fifth) might be just the thing. I always found buying something helped. I recommend Booker’s Bourbon.
August 30, 2012 at 6:08 AM
Stephen
I know from whence your words flow. If I didn’t know better I’d thought I had read something of my own. Many tasks await me also but not the energy to start. I know the problem isn’t lack of energy but actually lack of will so nothing is getting accomplished right now but all bad things (feelings) eventually pass with time, so hang in there. ((((HUGS))))
August 30, 2012 at 7:44 AM
Laurent
Yes a nice picker upper is a Bloody Ceasar, ice, salt pepper, few drops Worcester sauce, few drops of red Tabasco sauce, Good vodka, and Clamato tomato juice, stir with index finger for extra taste.
August 30, 2012 at 7:59 AM
Urspo
they are mother’s milk to me ! Curious I never think of having one other than when visiting Canada.
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August 30, 2012 at 8:05 AM
Ron
Again, something else we have in common. I need light wherever I am. Work or home. I could never work in a windowless office or environment. At one bank where I worked there were no windows so I moved myself to a desk next to a window. I need light. I too feel the onset of SAD when the days become shorter as they are doing now.
“Rather I feel a sense of futility and sadness of time passing and the disappointments of my life.” This I don’t feel. To my surprise I feel oddly at ease with what I have done with my life. If I should die tomorrow, I have no regrets for any disappointments in my life. What is, is. What I do feel though is a sadness for those I will never see or talk to again like my Mother and friends and relatives. At one time I felt that I would die before I was able to “finish” everything in my life. I don’t feel that way now. I don’t know what happened but for some reason I feel “released.” I feel strangely at ease and ready to go. For that I am so thankful.
August 30, 2012 at 9:06 AM
Greg
Perhaps it’s a chance to catch up on some reading.
August 30, 2012 at 9:13 AM
Urspo
When in doubt, get horizontal – with a book !
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August 30, 2012 at 8:41 PM
Will J
Yes, the sun angle and quality of light is changing, local schools start next Tuesday, and I saw the first harbinger of autumn on the drive home last Monday – the first vans packed and heading up to Burning Man.