All day long patients ask me “What do I have to do to heal?” The majority want simple answers, such as see a counselor, take this medication, or change a habit. These provide some superficial healing. Every once in a while I am asked “What do I really need to do to heal?” What they mean is they want true healing, the mending of the soul. They don’t want just toilet water or cologne; they want perfume.
Most of the time these seekers haven’t a clue what they are asking. The real answers (if taken) would shake them to their core. One fellow recently asked me to compose a list of what he had to do for true healing. I provided it. It was as ill received as the rich man in the Christian gospel who asked what he must do to gain eternal life. He was hoping for a convenient and comfortable answer. When he was told he had to really change which meant giving up his posessions, the man backed out. As did my fellow.
I thought I would share what I gave him –
1- You have to redefine ‘healing’. Stop seeing healing as an end product where your body and soul are perfected. Think of healing as a daily task, “I am always healing”. One can be sad, physically hurt, or in pain but still be considered healed.
2- After you are hurt get a few people to witness your wounds. Do this no more than a few times and then be done with it. When you have been heard and witnessed, no longer dwell on your wounds nor let them direct you. Move your energy out of the past and into the present.
3- Stop trying to solve the mystery why things happened the way they did. I know this sounds heretical coming from a shrink! After all, isn’t Psychiatry about ‘going back into the past and finding the cause of things?” Alas, this doesn’t promote the task of moving forward in Life.
4- Create a new Life path. When we are hurt, the paths we are on become blocked. Choiceless we are given the choice: get better or get bitter. Make a new Journey and do not dwell on how life should have/could have been.
5- Finally – and this may be the most important aspect for healing – you have to force yourself to forgive. I say ‘force yourself’ as you will not ‘want’ to do this. It is only after you done it you realize how good it feels.
One of the best ways for a good tomorrow is to leave a bad yesterday behind.
Spo-Reflections 
26 comments
January 30, 2013 at 9:25 PM
truthspew
This is interesting. I’m a night owl, always have been. So the past three nights Cox goes down at around 1:30AM. So last night I called – they’re doing upgrades and maintenance. So I asked the rep, why can’t they email us and let us know they’re doing it. He said their call volume triples when they do that.
Interesting – but this post makes it a little more understandable.
January 30, 2013 at 9:49 PM
Jay
Excellent advice.
January 31, 2013 at 12:01 AM
Raybeard
#5 is particularly difficult – and, I reckon, for very many others too.
A common riposte is to say “I can forgive but I can’t forget” which is, essentially, the same as saying “I just can NOT forgive.”
Even if one makes an honest attempt to put it behind one, what has happened clouds all future transactions with that person who caused you the damage or trouble. Your own observation that “Only after you’ve done it (do) you realise how good it feels” sounds very fine, and probably true – but I don’t know because no matter how much I wish, I can’t clear my mind of what had occurred, while earnestly wishing it was otherwise.
January 31, 2013 at 12:21 AM
Chris (in Philly)
Great advice on the healing process. I have been healing for the last few weeks since my layoff and I am sure it will take a few more weeks to completely heal. But I am on my way. I am working on the creating the new life path and forgiving part. I tend go through several of these stages at once. As much as I miss being employed I do not miss who I was the last few years before they closed my plant. I do not miss what I became to survive that bad situation we were in at work. I am glad to let all of that time go and I hope to learn from the experience. I am more relaxed and less angry than I used to be. My sleep is still erratic but I think that will pass it. All part of the process I guess. It feels good to move forward and on to better times.
January 31, 2013 at 2:05 AM
Cubby
Looks like every so often you get a patient who is not just there for a script but who wants to actually talk to you and get somewhere. That must make you feel pretty good, especially if they show you some appreciation for your efforts.
January 31, 2013 at 3:53 AM
Ultra Dave
Awesome post Spo! I seek to do this continually in my life. There are a few others I wish would heed the items on this list, but, I know they aren’t ready yet. Maybe in their own time they will be and I wish them well.
January 31, 2013 at 4:08 AM
usstorageunit
Your list reminds me of the 12 steps of AA. Well done, and a good reminder for all of us.
January 31, 2013 at 4:48 AM
Sky Clad Therapy
Good doctor – I would suggest that many more shrinks and psychologists took to heart your advice in giving advice. You have introduced here, the roots of the journey in “depth” that lays in front of each of us should we dare to step out of the way it is and was. Thank you, Michael.
January 31, 2013 at 7:12 AM
Sassybear
Well said, my friend. I think I have loosely tried to follow such advice in my life, but seeing it in focus helps define it for me. I will print, save, reflect and utilize for both past events that linger in my heart and future ones that may occur.
January 31, 2013 at 7:18 AM
Sean R.
I have to comment on #1. Spot on! I was steeped in the “born again evangelical” tradition (still am to an extent). Too many people want to have healing/salvation be a one-time event. A “conversion”, if you will, is only the first step in the process. Nothing can ever be “perfected” in this imperfect world we live in.
OK, I have to comment on #3. Spot on again!
Man, I wish I could meet you in person! Unfortunately my schedule and budget won’t allow me to go to the “Spo-a-thon” in March.
January 31, 2013 at 8:59 AM
Ron
I have always believed that most people pay therapists to listen to them talk about themselves. If that solves the problem of “healing”, fine. However, the few people I have known who have gone to therapists (and have for years and years which raises the question do they really want to be “healed” or do they just want to pay somebody to listen to them talk about themselves), I don’t see the results. The one exception (that I know of) has been Howard Stern, the radio “shock jock”. I have seen him change (for the better) over the years. He’s not quite the misogynist, racist, homophobic, self absorbed jerk that he was in years past. He can laugh at himself now and not feel threatened by others who call him out on his “shocking” ways , which is actually saying what most people think. The few people that I know on a personal basis are still screwed up and still don’t recognize their faults because they only hear what they want to hear. And they still go to their therapist looking for “the answer.” Of course “the answer” is staring at them every time they look in the mirror. As Pogo said lo these many years ago “We have met the enemy and he is us.” Nuff said. 🙂
January 31, 2013 at 1:45 PM
domanidave
I’m biting my tongue.
January 31, 2013 at 9:14 AM
Rick
How many times does one forgive? Are we to be like the Heavenly Father? When one is done wrong over and over again, year after year, by a family member? I feel that it is just better to stay away from such toxic people.
January 31, 2013 at 9:47 AM
Urspo
I think I will write soon on Forgiveness, for it is a super hard subject, often misunderstood, yet so crucial to healing. Forgivenes is sometimes mistaken for ‘saying what they did was OK” (no) or continuing with things as they are (again no).
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January 31, 2013 at 11:19 AM
javabear
Yes, please, explain what “forgiveness” means in this context.
My younger children have taught me the folly of asking “why” in so many situations. There often isn’t a “why,” it just *is*.
January 31, 2013 at 11:45 AM
DougT
Your story about the patient who found your advice for healing gave me an earworm:
Instant Karma’s gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head…
January 31, 2013 at 12:10 PM
RuralBeard
Probably the best analysis on healing! I wholeheartedly agree!
January 31, 2013 at 1:35 PM
jefferyrn
Love your answer. I am looking forward to your post about forgiveness.
January 31, 2013 at 2:28 PM
WillBeBi
Here! Here! I read you blog everyday. This is by far your best – since I’ve been reading at least.
Very much looking forward to your post about forgiveness. Your teaser reply to Rick was Spo-t on;-)
January 31, 2013 at 4:45 PM
victorinvermont
Interesting perspectives.
If you looked forgiveness up in the dictionary, you should see a picture of my husband.
January 31, 2013 at 5:04 PM
the cajun
When Eleanor Roosevelt was told to “forgive and forget” she reported said, “we are always forgiving even on a daily basis, but to forget, means we are willing to live through the pain at another time.” Forgiving is probably the hardest thing we humans are asked to do, and really doing it takes great courage and love.
February 1, 2013 at 4:28 AM
Geoffrey
This was a great post, Thanks.
And many of the comments were very insightful as well.
February 1, 2013 at 8:19 AM
Shawn
Your last line……. says it all!
February 1, 2013 at 9:21 AM
Greg
Item #3 is the best of the list, in my humble opinion. That seems to be the hardest to do.
November 17, 2015 at 3:57 PM
Kato
I can forgive. I’ve worked hard on this one. From a self-centred perspective it has been much healthier for me to forgive rather than to fester. Forgiveness is a combination of accepting what can and can’t be changed; and understanding (but no necessarily agreeing with) a different perspective.
I am struggling to be “really healthy”. I’ve accepted that for me to be stable enough I need to always be vigilant, especially about sleep. That annoys me because it means I’m more self-centred than I wish to be.
I am scared about my memory. I have so many big gaps of important events. Some of it can be put down to mental health, medication side effects and ECT. Sometimes I’m terrified it could be more sinister and on going. I’m having a neuropsychological assessment in a few weeks time. I am really hoping that the extra knowledge I gain regarding my memory can help me develop some healthy strategies to living my future. I am healthy enough to know that for the sake of my boys and husband that dying is not an option.
I have been telling myself not to work out strategies until I have more answers. The waiting game. At least I won’t have to wait too much longer. I am hoping with this new insight I will be able to devise a new life path.
It has been humbling realising how much I define myself in terms of my eclectic past experiences. Who am I without these memories? As I try to redefine myself I realise being a child-of-God doesn’t feature much in my self-absorbed definition.
I tell you all this because I want my wounds to be witnessed. I don’t expect anything from you but I assume you will understand and empathise. I feel safe sharing this on your blog. Thank you.
I’m glad the wicked pack of cards show things are turning well for me.
November 18, 2015 at 9:10 AM
Urspo
this was a marvelous comment you left; thank you for sharing it.