The past fortnight has been relatively quiet at work.  I’ve had a lot of ‘no shows’. A “no show’ is a patient who does not appear for their scheduled appointment. Being on salary, a ‘no show’ doesn’t evoke sadness but joy and relief for I have 15 minutes to get less behind or do some paperwork or go to the john. But a lot of no shows elicits worry: what am I doing wrong?  There may be many explanations for this, but my neurotic conclusion is word’s out I’m a quack.

I meet with the bosses this Friday. Understandably “no shows” are an economic concern to themas I am getting paid for ‘doing nothing’*.  No show’s appointments goefrom blue or green to fiery red.  My roster looks like a serial killer took a buzz saw to it.

So I had the opportunity today to poke around the computer programme.  I discovered how to print out my patient roster. It turns out I have 1,176 patients.  So where the heck are they these days? Ironically many are doing so well they only pop in every 4-6 months out of obligation for me to continue renewing their medication.

My attempts today to drum up business was thwarted at every turn. The patients who came in had overall improved. Some announced they are moving to other states.  Alas, this is not the means to keep my dance card filled.  I suppose I could f*ck with people’s minds (or with their pills)  to get them more likely to return to clinic as soon as possible, but this is not ethical, nor is it nice.

I checked with The Other Doctor, who told me he is as busy as ever.  His roster has over 2,000 patients.

When I  meet with the bosses I will  hear with  wonder if they will complain. Will they analyze the many components to see if there is something(s) contributing to ‘no shows’, or will they just blame me and promptly give me the sack?

Meanwhile, I have alleged 1,716 patients. Perhaps I can all up the more truant ones and haul them in. Imagine them all deciding at once to come in to see me. I just hope there is enough room for them all at Betty Ford’s. Or at least a room for me.

*Of course I am doing something, but it isn’t ‘billed’. Bosses are funny this way.