With the proliferation of ‘selfies’ on the internet there seems to be a lot of men posting naked pictures of themselves. For the first time in human history, a man can compare himself and his body part proportions to countless other fellows. The joke goes “Is there any man left one earth who hasn’t posted his nude self (complete with John Thomas) on the internet?”
Well yes, there are: the men who DON’T have a perfect body, callipygian backside, or a member less than six inches long. Either they are more sensible or probably more ashamed to do so. What the percentage of the ‘A” guys to the “B” men (when it comes to proportions) is not known, but if you were to go by what’s on the internet – or in film and TV – many guys come to the emotional conclusion all other men are beautiful and they are not.
In my work I see a growing number of men with body image issues. They feel they are not muscular enough, or their penis is deficient, or they are just too fat. I think the increase in body dysmorphic disorder has a correlation to the selfies on the internet. And I see this more in the gays than in the straights. I think gay men are far more critical of themselves – and each other – than straight counterparts. Curiously “Bears’ were initially a rebellion of such but I see the same issues within that subculture. I read several blogs which regularly post photos of stunning men, in various stages of dress (or undress). Blogs get a lot more ‘traffic’ for such posting such eye candy. They get a lot of comments too, adoring these types of men.
I am no exception to the struggle with body issues. As long as I can remember I was pained by the sense I was not muscular enough. In my middle age I struggle with my midline and deemed too thin legs. When I see a shirtless (or naked) photo of a gent whether on line/on a blog/in a movie a part of me feels envy, not arousal.
The intellectual aspect of my psyche tells me to be content with who and what I am and these internet peacocks are the exception not the rule. But the emotional part of me vociferously vows to stop eating and get to the gym every day.
Men and women, gay or straight, all adore the beautiful ones. But most of the time they pay a price in self esteem and acceptance. I think the internet has taken this to a new level. Folks talk about “The 99%” in society. This split into the haves and the have nots can now be applied to our physiques.
35 comments
December 15, 2013 at 7:41 PM
Laurent
I agree, it is a problem in our society of affluence, but it is not a problem in less affluent societies. Though I noticed that in Asia with new found affluence, young people want to look physically beautiful and the model is North America. It is perverse and it is also a youth thing. Of course young people in commercials will look fantastic, they are young. I love the commercials where they show women who are models posing as 40 but look in fact 18. The message is strong this is why gyms are full.
December 15, 2013 at 7:45 PM
Urspo
When I go to the gym – and I go often for the same issues! – I see men evaluating themselves all the time to the others. I’ve often wondered if they focus on the ones that make them feel superior, or do they focus on the ‘better guys’ which makes them feel deficient. I tend to the latter.
December 15, 2013 at 7:47 PM
Urspo
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/gym
December 16, 2013 at 5:37 PM
Laurent
I would say go for health and no other reason. Ask yourself what is a better guy?
December 15, 2013 at 7:50 PM
Sluggy
This commercial/add campaign, though geared toward women, strikes close to home in regard to your post…..
December 15, 2013 at 7:54 PM
Urspo
I thought this marvelous
Sent from nowhere in particular.
>
December 16, 2013 at 12:59 AM
zephvark
Ah. That is deep wisdom.
December 15, 2013 at 8:08 PM
Kelly Stern
Coming from someone who has just gained 30 pounds….I have felt bad about my body…though medically up until two weeks ago, i was told to just do light workouts, i used that as an excuse to not go to the gym… now i have to motivate myself to start again, especially since i selection of clothes is becoming very limited with expanding waist and chins… arghh…
December 15, 2013 at 8:45 PM
Rick
I was thinking about this last week as I watched the Victoria’s Secret special. I wondered if women thought less of themselves after watching the show. I felt that they all looked alike with similar nice features. Personality contributes a lot to one’s beauty but… When I’m woodworking, I rarely take a man’s personality into consideration.
December 15, 2013 at 8:53 PM
Frogdancer
Welcome to womanhood!!!
December 15, 2013 at 8:57 PM
Urspo
That very thought occurred to me as well: rather than ridding women of their longtime body image issues, men have joined them in their issues. Now both sexes have the same issue but expressed in different ways.
December 15, 2013 at 8:53 PM
Robert
Jim had a post earlier today about Clothes Making the Man. I have to say that I don’t like my body because the clothes that i really would like to wear just wouldn’t look good on my body. I’m just working towards my Brooks Brother’s body. 🙂
December 15, 2013 at 9:24 PM
Ron
When I was young I was so self conscious of my body. I thought I was much too thin. Of course now I realize how could anyone be “too thin?” unless they’re a concentration camp inmate. Growing up in a family of men with more than adequate penis size I thought all men were THAT size. What a revelation during my first gym class shower in 7th grade in high school to realize (all eyes I was of course) that all men are not created equal. Of course one cannot go around displaying their penis size until now with the selfies. But I have taken note that men with less than average penis (5 inches or less) size compensate in other areas whereas men who are larger than average do not feel the need to prove anything. Is all this talk about penis size enlarging anyone’s penis reading this? Probably so but that is the dichotomy isn’t it? I have found through the wisdom of my advanced years that if someone is in relatively good shape, their inner beauty is way more of a sexual turn on than a perfectly proportioned body or penis size. But then I remember my late friend Ron’s (another “Ron”) mantra from the days we used to frequent the Philadelphia gay bars on the weekend. He would say “I’m not a size queen but big dicks don’t depress me.” You won’t find that in Bartlett’s Famous Quotes but believe it, it’s a famous and well known quote in these parts.
December 15, 2013 at 10:00 PM
Stan
I go to the gym to feel better mentally and physically but I have to say seeing the younger guys makes me envious for their youth and beauty. I think it’s just human nature.
December 15, 2013 at 10:29 PM
anne marie in philly
my spouse will NEVER post a naked selfie because (a) he has common sense and (b) he doesn’t have a cell phone.
since I am not a typical woman, fashion, makeup, shoes, furs, jewelry are not part of my life. who needs that crap anyway? such a waste of money!
as for the body, I was once thin; I started becoming the person I am today in 1977. when I go to the gym, I do it for exercise/strength training/toning/flexibility/arthritis. notice I did NOT say “weight loss”? that’s right; I am who I am and am content to be so. h8ers gonna h8; I just don’t give two shits!
do I compare myself to other women at my gym? HELL NO! I ain’t there to win a beauty contest, I am trying to keep the joints from becoming totes useless. I focus on myself and the limits to which I can push my fat ass.
what attracts me to guys are (in this order) intelligence, kind eyes, a good sense of humor, some fur. everything else is not important.
FTW, I AM BEAUTIFUL! 🙂
December 15, 2013 at 10:51 PM
Raybeard
I think that at last some of this attitude of gay men being over-conscious of physical desirability has historical roots, going back to times when directly chatting up another guy was unacceptable, not to say criminal. One of the few alternative more furtive methods was to look especially desirable (and available) that the one with whom you were seeking to connect would recognise the unmistakeable signals and respond, maybe underlined by a wink or other tiny gesture. Not that hetero guys never have the same issue, but they do have a greater range of socially acceptable ploys available. Well, that’s my theory, anyway.
December 16, 2013 at 12:14 AM
Nik the Greek
I totally agree with you. All the new hype of the selfies (now a new word in the Oxford dictionary) is affecting so many people.
December 16, 2013 at 1:04 AM
zephvark
Yezz, well, I could stand a lot of improvements. Then again, I have a lot to offer, and I won’t discriminate against you if you’re grossly overweight, have a tiny dick, or probably even if you’re female, which is not my first choice. Do I like young men with a hefty mesomorphic body type? Oh hell yes. Can I get one of those with a side of significant intellect? …yeah, I’ll compromise there, I tend to want brains. BRAAAAIIIIINNNNSSSS.
December 16, 2013 at 1:08 AM
zephvark
How they say? You need something to talk about after the first six hours of sex.
December 16, 2013 at 3:58 AM
wfregosi
My body issues were never about dick size because I am at least average, have been called big, and because my real hang up was my looks. I don’t happen to be photogenic for some reason and I always thought I wasn’t good looking. Then almost seventeen years ago I met Fritz. He told me I was handsome, I said no but he kept it up. He finally brought me to the realization that I was a nice looking man.
I think the changes brought on by middle age changed my face a bit and I came up with an arrangement of facial hair (I do love beards and men with them) that have brought compliments (most strikingly, a man sending bags through the x-ray machine at Seattle airport last year suddenly said out loud,
“Hey, that’s a great beard, you look good!” I was stunned.
December 16, 2013 at 4:51 AM
Blobby
I don’t think the problem is bigger in the gay community – we are just more vocal about expressing our inadequacies. And g-d fucking forbid you look at the comments on something like Guys With iPhones of a “normal” man. People rip them up and down for being quite lovely….just not STUNNING.
Of course we have modern culture to blame. I’m sure there are ‘normal’ bodies on gay cruises, not that you could tell that from their ads. RSVP cruises are the A&F of the seas – it’s like they don’t want ugly people on their boats. Hell, even print ads for HIV drugs have the most buff and shaved bodies known to mankind.
But white battling a gym injury – my doc asked a simple question: ‘why do you even want to lift that much weight?’. The only answer I could think of (but not verbalize) was: “to look good”. I could say I go to the gym for my health, but it’s more about vanity. I’m just as guilty.
December 16, 2013 at 5:44 AM
RuralBeard
Trying to love up to someone else’s standards is fool-hardy. There was a time when large or corpulent people were the fashion. Stop being dictated by fashion. Love yourself is the first rule of self esteem. We’re just fine. Hugs from Here.
December 16, 2013 at 9:25 AM
Tony D
It is interesting being old enough to see the changes in culture. The popularity of selfies completely intrigues me–it is the manifestation of the Narcissus myth. People are becoming so infatuated with themselves that they seem to need no other! When I see a FB page with a thousand selfies, I run the other direction, because that is an indication to me that this person would not be a very good friend. Except to themselves.
I have been fortunate to have a good body my whole life, and pleasantly, I feel it is at its best now at the age of 51. I work hard at maintaining this body, but I do not require constant verification of the results. I am happy to just live in it, and occasionally invite others to “join the party”. I do envy youth, like any normal older guy, but once I get my hands on some, I quickly realize that the insides are the same jumbled mess that are in everyone, and then I realize that as an older man, my insides are less jumbled. So even though the youth may have more on the outside, I then feel pretty damn good about having more on the inside. And I am happy to be hanging onto the outside as well, though I realize that someday that will recede. Just not yet. I have no need to document this process in a series of selfies.
December 16, 2013 at 10:36 AM
truthspew
Interesting post. Yeah we do get images of the perfect norm pushed at us all the time. My tastes though turn more bearish to be honest. I mean who wants to get all sweaty with a stick?
December 16, 2013 at 11:01 AM
Mitchell is Moving
My intellect and emotion, like yours, always seem to be in combat.
December 16, 2013 at 11:36 AM
Greg
I’ve always been self-conscious of my weight and that I’m not muscular. That made it very difficult when I first came out, because I didn’t feel that I belonged in the gay world that idolizes the A&F look as manly and my look as much less.
December 17, 2013 at 5:11 AM
JimA
I think people should turn their televisions OFF more. All the advertisements show skinny happy people and even so called “reality” shows have (for the most part) skinny happy people. Not everyone in society is skinny or happy! We also need to limit our time on the internet and dare I say it… less porn! It’s someone else telling us what our ideals should be!
We all come in different shapes and sizes! That is reality! We need to stop comparing ourselves to others and just try to be happy right where you are now… for now is all we have.
December 17, 2013 at 9:14 AM
truthspew
But it’s not just the television but the shopping spots too. Or do I need to mention A&F. it’s ridiculous.
December 17, 2013 at 3:45 PM
misteraudacious
I agree with JimA. Now is all we have and what we do now will impact the rest of our lives. I try to go to the gym three days a week. I go early morning, after the working people are already done and gone. What is left are the guys my age (68) with guts, flab, and a willingness to at least try to improve their health. That’s what we’re there for. The “studs” are gone to work, so there’s not a one to compare to. Healthy? Yes. Fun? Questionable. But, hey, it is what it is.
December 17, 2013 at 4:17 PM
Tony D
I am cautious about supporting any idea that we should stop doing something, as gay men, like watching less porn or turning off the television. I do see that the media is a big part of the problem, but another big part is our response to that. I admit that I stopped reading gay mags because I didn’t want a certain lifestyle shoved in my face–a lifestyle I can’t afford, but watching porn or looking at tumbler pages with hot guys does not make me feel bad about myself. instead, they turn me on, and inspire me at the gym. I KNOW that I am not 25 like most of them, but then I am not trying to be 25. I am trying to be a healthy, sexy 51, and when I get inspired by pics and hit the gym with intention, I leave feeling like I have succeeded at my goal. Most gay men are attracted to attractive bodies, but those come in many forms, and I know that you, Spo, could walk into either Faultline or the Eagle here in L.A. and turn several heads, even without being in the shape you would like to be in. But the key is that it depends on how you walk in, more so than how you look. What I experience is that confidence and masculinity are far more attractive to gay men than just good looks. Here in Los Angeles there are so many great looking guys it starts to get boring! But even though I cannot compete with the truly beautiful, I feel that my confidence in myself, and how I carry myself, adds appeal to what I look like. And that feeling about myself is only partially based on how I see myself physically–and more to do with my accomplishments, my expertise in the bedroom, and my humor. I do not spend any part of the day feeling bad about myself, and if someone I am interested in does not give me attention, then I find someone who does. But I work at it. And working at it is much more fun, and much more rewarding, than complaining about it.
December 17, 2013 at 4:21 PM
Urspo
You are spot-on: self confidence inone’s self is more attractive thanphysique. Many times I’ve seenpeople flock to someone deemed ‘not a pretty one” but their inner-self strength shines forth. I wish more had it;there would be less working on the exterior if we were more at ease with our interiors.
December 18, 2013 at 11:37 PM
Erik Rubright
It’s odd that I’m reading this now, as I just posted over on Jim’s Stuff about how I don’t do naked. I still feel like that insecure teenager that I was, even though I’m 40, and my mental state just won’t accept that I’m anything different.
There should be a pill for that. 😉
May 28, 2014 at 10:28 AM
Chris
The barbie/ken photo you have on this page is my image and you used it without my permission and without crediting me as the source. Please remove it immediately or I will report this copyright infringement to WordPress.
May 28, 2014 at 10:49 AM
Urspo
It is removed; I apologize to you.
May 28, 2014 at 10:52 AM
Chris
I appreciate your assistance, thank you.