There are some who enjoy getting in touch with their ‘inner-child’ * but I am not one of them. Mine is quite a downer, more wounded than whimsical.  He came up this evening like a bad penny when we went after work to happy hour. Normally this is the highlight of my week. This weekend is pride weekend. The bar was packed; there was nowhere to sit down. Due to allergies and active asthma I wasn’t comfortable to go out onto the busy patio (where the “A”s seem to be hanging out), and there was no room to stand in the usual areas of the bar. We ended up sitting in a quiet corner by the loo. From this cut-off viewpoint I saw ‘the party’ and felt not part of it. At one point two friends came out of the crowd to walk over to say hello. One is a traveler; he and his partner are continually traveling all over the world. He had just returned from a tour of Australia and New Zealand. He asked what we had been doing lately. Answer: work and not much else. The other friend is one of the most social fellows I know. He had just returned (again) from a trip with friends to Palm Springs; this weekend he was going to be busy with several social events. He asked what were my pride weekend plans. Answer: charting, paperwork, and some house chores. After we watched them go back to their circles, Someone suggested we go home. We had leftovers we should eat. My inner child was now in full force and feeling left out, unloved, and unwanted. He thought the notion of going home to oh-so-practical leftovers while everyone else was going out was so sad he was on the verge of tears and a tantrum; I announced we were going out. At the Chinese restaurant we both more or less watched our cellphones and ate in silence. Then we went home.

As you can see I am feeling down and not quite stable. It is at times like this I feel everyone is experiencing Life but I. I never have time to do anything or go anywhere; what money there is is always needed for repairs and there is nothing leftover for such things like trips to Palm Springs or Australia. This weekend the pride parade will literally and figuratively pass me by.

The Ego at least can take these Childish emotions and examine them. The Child would like some friends who want him enough to invite him to The Party for he is feeling outcast from Life’s feast. Distilled into more mature thoughts, these emotions touch upon the adult problem: there are no long term goals or plans in my life. I have no bucket list; we have no mutual or retirement goals.

It’s time for Ego to slap The Child and go have a snort, which is quite efficacious at shutting up the inner-Child. Tomorrow I will wake and the Ego will feel again in control. There’s work to be done – lots of charting and home matters and chores as usual. That is what weekends are for – at least mine.

As an exercise, I may write out what I feel is missing and make a bucket list. I know there is a part of me that doesn’t want to do this as it forces me to  bring up things I fear will never happen. I shall see.

* The formal Jungian name is The Child Archetype.

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