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kinneyimage003Once in a while I am completely honest with myself. I face the figurative mirror and I look Truth right in the eye. Truth is sometimes not pretty but it beats Falsehood. This week’s blemish is the the realization I am not doing anything nowadays to grow. Oh, I am watching science blogs on Youtube, and reading history books but these are not what I am talking about. Real growth has a price, a loss. At least there is a shake up of the status quo. A quaint and quotidian life doesn’t allow spiritual transformation.

My life is quite content at the moment. I can’t determine if this weal and wellness I am mistaking for stagnation or a genuine sign of needs of a shake up. If the latter is true what am I willing to give up as payment for growth? Ay, there’s the rub. I wonder if I have no growth because I am not willing to change.

I once told a patient who joked she was fearful of success she was not fearful of success but of work. She was not willing to do things necessary in order to obtain the goal she allegedly wanted.  There is a joke-prayer about someone asking Heaven to send her a guiding message – but not until the weekend and she doesn’t want to give up her job or have to move or anything to upset her life or something that would make her look bad in the eyes of her friends and neighbors.

Funny: most people have a goal in mind but they aren’t conscious of their resistances. I have it the other way around: I sense the resistance/unwilling to work but I don’t consciously know the goal.

The closet I can conjecture is on my bucket list. It seems to be growing longer and I haven’t checked off one. Worse, I see no signs of accomplishing any of them, for it means proactive work and – more important – some sacrifice of time/energy and money to accomplish them.  Maybe that’s the dart: I am not unwilling to change but too cheap to let go of the resources to purchase these desires.

In the next week I need to concretize and plan and open the pursestrings and assert myself at work for time off to accomplish one or two bucket list items this year.  And watch for unconscious fears and resistances against growth.

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