Old Lurker (the dear!) recently enquired what salacious text messages go between Someone and Urs Truly. I am going to gravely disappoint him, Spo-fans, and The Religious Right our texts and emails are about as erotic as the dewy-decimal system. However what they lack in lasciviousness they sometimes make up in wit.
Here’s some examples of my ersatz-sordid correspondences:
Could you be a muffin and look around the house for me? I’ve forgotten (missing object d’jour). If it isn’t too much a bother could you drop it off on your way to work? You are a dear.
Please don’t get mad but I can’t remember who is supposed to pick up Harper from doggy dare care. Please text one smile for me; two for you; three if you want me to call you.
I’m forwarding you the group-email from my family. As is their wont they are talking over each other, trying to figure out who is where this holiday. We should join the imbroglio. Father will insist he or someone will pick us up from the airport but I vote to have our own set of wheels.
Please be a muffin and call the Honda dealer for a check-up. The ‘needs maintenance’ light came on today. Damned if I know what it needs, hopefully nothing complicated. Keep in mind the intrepid thing is nearing 250K so if the repair sounds costly I vote for euthanasia and a Elantra.
Are we going to pub this evening? Do I meet you there? I am dying for a drink.
That telephone message you heard is indeed a patient; I am not dealing drugs on the sly. Give me the number and if he happens to call again tell him to call the office.
We got another telephone message telling us some vague but menacing governmental agency will bring us before a magistrate if we don’t call back the number they left. I defer this to you. P.S. I didn’t know we had magistrates.
Yikes! The fewmets have hit the fan! It’s going to be a bumpy flight this afternoon. If I have any neurons left functioning I will go to gym after work but probably only cardio for I am quite whipped.
What’s for dinner? I don’t have any opinion so you choose. However spaghetti with meat sauce sounds nice and with mushrooms too.
I just received this email and I haven’t a clue who it is. I don’t think it is a patient, although she sounds a bit histrionic. She makes no reference to my blog, so I don’t imagine her a Spo-fan. Perhaps she is an old flame of yours? hohoho Email me back if you recall her or should I call the police.
and as a bonus –
To The Board of Directors here at Spo-Reflections:
When I told asked you not to fill your emails with rubbish about the blog, I meant of course your bellicose bellows about the number of droppers-by or “how I am doing” compared to last month etc. I can look that stuff up myself. What I want is artistry feedback on the photos, contents, and prescriptive grammar.
To the Board etc.:
Listen up, when are you going to come and show me the latest templates? You said Tuesday and here it is Saturday. According to bean-counters I am supposed to change the format (other than the header). I hope from you soon or never on this topic.
To TBDHSR:
I surmise you all sent the Ravens. The two black birds arrived yesterday and are currently hanging around the backyard, watching, either for surveillance or for a reply. What am I supposed to do with them? They are magnificent birds but they are beginning to give me the heebie-jeebies. Please remember communications are more efficacious through email than passenger pigeons. 🙂
23 comments
September 3, 2016 at 1:58 PM
Kato
It’s all up to Someone not to disappoint.
☺☺
September 3, 2016 at 2:17 PM
Urspo
he seldom does
September 3, 2016 at 2:20 PM
anne marie in philly
“our texts and emails are about as erotic as the dewey-decimal system” – you ain’t just whistling dixie! 😦
September 4, 2016 at 6:09 AM
Urspo
texts are for short statements of communication and stupid photos – no sexting.
September 3, 2016 at 4:30 PM
damienscot
Ravens! Yes!
September 4, 2016 at 6:09 AM
Urspo
I feel just like Wotan!
September 3, 2016 at 5:22 PM
David Godfrey
Is Someone on the board of directors? My messages with my Someone are not erotic, lots of little things only the two of us understand
September 4, 2016 at 6:11 AM
Urspo
Someone is NOT a board director, nor anyway connected with the blog. He dislikes telephone calls from my patients invading the house and Viking raids as well.
September 3, 2016 at 6:25 PM
Old Lurker
I for one am gravely disappointed. Also I am skeptical. I find it difficult to believe that Someone does not pepper you with flirtatious texts, if only to perk you up during no-shows.
On the other hand you certainly show enthusiasm for transmogrifying each other into baked goods.
September 3, 2016 at 8:53 PM
anne marie in philly
and what kind of muffins – bran, corn, english, blueberry, etc.?
September 3, 2016 at 9:09 PM
Kato
Low fat?? With extra bran?
September 4, 2016 at 6:13 AM
Urspo
A muffin that does things the other is being too lazy to do himself.
September 4, 2016 at 5:36 PM
Old Lurker
I am guessing “stud”.
September 4, 2016 at 6:12 AM
Urspo
I don’t think I have ever received a flirtatious text from Someone.
His texting is quite practical and goal oriented when he texts at all.
September 4, 2016 at 11:58 AM
will jay
Just out of curiousity what are your Myers-Briggs profiles? Practical and goal oriented texts may be who you are (your own examples are on point and describe nothing more salacious than baked goods). Whimsical and flirtatious text messages may be very difficult or against one’s natural tendencies
September 4, 2016 at 5:47 AM
Todd Gunther
You only got ravens this time. The Board might send vultures next.
September 4, 2016 at 6:13 AM
Urspo
I better not describe what they send when they are in a truculent mood, lest WordPress write me angry emails.
September 4, 2016 at 12:37 PM
larrymuffin
gee your emails sound like a comedy show from the 1960’s set in Newberry.
LOL!
September 4, 2016 at 8:20 PM
Urspo
I try; I try.
September 4, 2016 at 8:47 PM
truthspew
If you have an Android phone you can block with an app called Call block. Seriously it’s great – only allows those in your contacts to ring your phone.
September 5, 2016 at 6:50 AM
Urspo
I want Call Annihilation. This handy app explodes the pesky caller.
September 6, 2016 at 11:21 AM
Rick
I expected more pillow talk.
September 6, 2016 at 11:22 AM
Urspo
I’m no Rock Hudson. Well maybe a little.