Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did so. – Mark Twain.
There are many sources of depression but the one I think saddest (and I hear quite often) is the one of regret. This one starts usually in patients over 40. They have settled into situations from which it is hard to disengage and try other routes. Regret is a ticklish topic in therapy. One needs some space to bereave what is lost but one shouldn’t dwell on regret. Like the fellow in the tarot card ‘Four of Cups’ it is too easy to fixate on the Life’s losses than what you have – or even the exit from your lot. Indeed, too much reflection on the past worsens depression. One has to move on. Like the sobriety prayer one has to know what you can’t change and what you can.
I recently heard the song “The Bus from Amarillo”. For thems not familiar with the tune, a woman recalls a time from her youth when got on a bus when all of life lay before her, but she got scared and got off. Now middle aged and trapped in her lot, she recalls the opportunity she missed and the what-ifs of that route.
“The bus from Amarillo I can hear it still go by
I missed my only chance and now I swear I don’t know why.”
Life is a one-way ticket to nowhere.
As I heard the song I wept a bit. I has been a very difficult work week the sort that made me wonder why on earth did I go to medical school. I too have a list of roads not taken and regrets. I won’t bother to list them; I know better than to dwell on them. All the same I wonder what my life would have been like if I had been brave enough to stay on the bus.
As I age I am more forthcoming telling my patients – especially the younger ones – to take the undiscovered journey, the less than certain route, and the scary way. I want as little regret in life as possible.
Meanwhile I may not be able to be return to those forks in the road but I don’t have to accept complacency. If the Bus from Amarillo has an open seat I may buy a one way ticket and go.
Spo-Reflections 
24 comments
July 26, 2017 at 11:17 PM
Practical Parsimony
What if the person takes the other route and then regrets not having taken the safer route? There are always reasons for regret if a person is determined to dwell on them.
For the last two years, I have lived with regret, mostly in regards to my mother. I cry myself to sleep some nights, so I have decided not to dwell on these matters at night. That works because I never dwell on problems during the day. I have made this decision before–to not think of regrets or problems at night. It works for me.
It is much easier to distract myself during the day or just never ruminate during the day. I have regrets that are legitimate in regards to the decisions I made–who I married and such.
July 27, 2017 at 7:59 AM
Urspo
thank you for sharing
I often counsel people when they find themselves ‘going back into the past’ to pause, recognize what you are doing, take in some breaths, call your energies back into the present, and go forward.
Keeping away from the what-ifs is something we all need to be watchful
July 27, 2017 at 2:20 AM
Sassybear
I’m not immune to the “what if” ruminations: words I might have said or avoided that might have made a difference, paths I might have taken or avoided, choices I might have made or discarded for others. When I get to down in the weeds about the “What If”s, I look at my husband and dogs, I consider my healthcare that has kept me alive, I think of the positive experiences I’ve had BECAUSE of the path I took and the choices I made, and all those regrets creeping in are washed away…because I wouldn’t give up any of it to have gone another way. If I don’t regret what I have, I can’t regret the road that made it possible for me to get here. Sorry it’s been a hard week. Take a breath. Brew some tea. Pet your dog. Hug your husband. And focus on the path ahead.
July 27, 2017 at 7:59 AM
Urspo
Good advice, especially the tea.
July 27, 2017 at 2:40 AM
Mitchell Block
Any choice leaves you with the opportunity to regret the other choice. I work really hard at not regretting and have been surprisingly successful. It may be a result of years of listening to my mother’s regrets. My father teasingly called her the Queen of the I Shoulda Club. Are you familiar with Carol Burnett’s character Eunice and her final appointment with the psychiatrist? “What do we say, Eunice?” “Coulda and shoulda are words we don’t use; they only depress us and give us the(e) blues.”
July 27, 2017 at 8:01 AM
Urspo
LOL
I remember a poignant Eunice skit where the normal son comes visits and quietly leaves when he realizes he has outgrown them/can’t fit in with them anymore.
July 27, 2017 at 2:47 AM
Old Lurker
I’m sorry you had a tough week. I hope we nitpicky Spo-fans did not contribute too much to it.
As for regrets: you probably were not intending to craft a blog post especially for me, but that is what it reads like. I’m not about to board any buses, however.
July 27, 2017 at 8:01 AM
Urspo
Spo-fans are a comfort; it is work and the world (especially Trump et. al) who are bringing me down.
July 27, 2017 at 3:33 AM
David
The choices we have made, have gotten us where we are, the choices we make today and in the future will take us where we go. We are the sum of our choices, not making a choice, is a choice to stay were we are.
There there, it will all be okay. We can’t control everything, or everyone.
July 27, 2017 at 8:01 AM
Urspo
Safe travels to you to FL
July 27, 2017 at 4:01 AM
anne marie in philly
someone needs a small chocolate cone and a roll down a grassy hill.
July 27, 2017 at 8:02 AM
Urspo
What I want is Mother (or an equivalent good parent type) to assure me everything will be OK.
July 27, 2017 at 9:19 AM
anne marie in philly
watch some mister rogers videos on youtube.
July 27, 2017 at 11:40 AM
Practical Parsimony
My mother would be my choice!
July 27, 2017 at 8:51 AM
mcpersonalspace54
Thank you for your thoughtful post. Thought provoking. I have been through a ton of changes in the last two years. I have gone through so many self-doubts in the unraveling of my family. I have thought time and time again that I should have gotten on the bus instead of playing it safe, but I didn’t and I can’t change that. I can only attempt to change what is up ahead, and hope that all will be well. The choices we made in our life have helped to mold us to who we are today, and I think they make us all the wiser. It doesn’t help that we have a president who completely disregards the beauty of human differences, who opens his mouth and spews hatred. I have to hope that times will change in our country and for the better. Take care…
July 27, 2017 at 10:27 AM
truthspew
I see life more from a quantum state than anything else. Every decision we’ve made forks off as a new timeline. And there is no reason to regret any of it.
July 27, 2017 at 3:14 PM
Sam
Ahh’ the shoulda’s. I’m finally getting out of a shoulda funk, but I’m sure I’ll find another one some day. I’ve been just trying to say and do yes to more things-might get swatted down, but time has shown I can get back up again, even when I doubt it is possible.
July 27, 2017 at 3:53 PM
Rick
“There was a long hard time when I kept far from me the remembrance of what I had thrown away when I was quite ignorant of its worth.”
― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
July 27, 2017 at 5:28 PM
David
A good mind refreshing Kindle read, Wait, What? by James Ryan, Dean of the Harvard Graduate School of Education
July 27, 2017 at 6:00 PM
Jane Karwat
Thank you for a thoughtful post. As I get older I do reflect, but I am trying to live a happy life and have made changes to accomplish that. I always say to my grandkids “You are never to old to make changes to be happy. ” I think life is about taking a chance today.
July 28, 2017 at 3:55 AM
Todd Gunther
Yes, regrets and “what ifs” haunt me. Such as what if I had stayed in touch with the fellow living in Garden Grove, CA who sent me a copy of the sheet music my Uncle Hugh was looking for. (for those playing along at home the music was “The Perfect Song” from the Amos and Andy radio show). I would have had someone help me move to southern CA to fulfill my adolescent aspiration to write for the film industry.
On the other hand I would never have met Warrior Queen if I had moved across country.
Morale of this story; life tends to work out for the best regardless of which road yu take…
July 28, 2017 at 12:08 PM
larrymuffin
I forget that you are in a job that demands a lot of you, I always imagine you in control with wise advice because you know how the mind works. My picture of you is of the Sage. Sorry about the tough week no one needs that in ones life. Yes regrets better to have few and simply forge on we cannot undo the past.
July 28, 2017 at 4:06 PM
Kato
Perspective and priorities. Some things change and others always stay the same. Spo, I hope you have a great weekend with the perfect balance of relaxation, accomplishment and stimulation.
I’m not sure which bus I’m going to board. I’m more concerned about it not crashing than where it’s heading. Your last post was very thought provoking. I am really glad you share your thoughts with us Spo-fans.
Today I’m going to have a lovely cycling day with my family. We’re going to stop at a cafe in the middle of a big park by the water and have a special “birthday” lunch. My middle son has his birthday today. We like acknowledging milestones.
July 30, 2017 at 7:04 AM
Ron
Dr. Spo,
Oh for sure I have many regrets of roads not taken and choices not made. But overall I have no major regrets that have caused me to slip into depression. I think that is because I have been in a long term loving relationship and along the way also had the freedom for extra-curricular activities. I do wonder sometimes what my life would have been like if I had pursued a different career or Bill dumped me after my first affair (which he obviously didn’t). I’ve been very lucky in life and I know that and even at this time of my life, which should be my waning years, I’m having the best time of my life. Even better when I was young, handsome and full of vigor making good money. Here I am old, falling apart, on a fixed income and yet, totally comfortable and happy and enjoying every single day. Still, I wish I had taken that first offer on our Pennsylvania house.
Have a great day!
Ron