New Years Eve evokes retroactive reflections and thoughts of things ending. This can be positive meditation viz. deeds accomplished or a negative one viz. people and things lost along the way. There is plenty of the latter, which sounds depressing yet isn’t too bad when you see it in perspective. The vast majority of the people, places, and things in our lives don’t go on with us. What’s current is a mere drop in the evolutionary ocean of things now extinct. This is especially true in our relationships.
I recently counseled Patient ‘K’ who usually comes to his appointments with good affect. He came in last week looking sorrowful. He explained his partnership of seven years was ending. Despite effort and hope his mate won’t stop drinking, won’t get a job, and hasn’t sticked to their budget despite years of promises to do so. K finally decided to break it off. He knows this is for the best; he’s been miserable for years. All the same, he is sad, which is understandable. There was a bit of thinking that raised my eyebrows: his belief the relationship would always last.
Back to my point now. Think back on all the people you’ve ever known in life including the more in-depth relationships. Most are gone either dead, disappeared, or dissolved from lack of mutual interest. For better or worse this seems to be the rule not the exception for human relationships.
I consciously try to nurture and keep in touch with the friends and family I have. I continually work (for I made a wedding promise) on my marriage. All the same, there is a fair bet some of these will not be around when December 2019 rolls around.
Where is this going? There are a lesson to learn here. Relationships generally don’t last. If you see yours drifting apart you can work on them. However if some sour it is sometimes best to recognize the situation and cut it out and cash in your chips without too much shock. For Patient K, he will go through a bereavement that I will witness with him. After a reasonable time, he will move on for I won’t let him wallow in self-pity and Victim energy. I hope he will then be ready for a better beau and give that one a try – both parties going in with eyes open with the knowledge there are no guarantees.
33 comments
December 30, 2018 at 3:47 PM
larrymuffin
So much common sense in this post. But humans often lack common sense to realize when something is not working out to just move on. Maybe out of fear of the unknown.
December 30, 2018 at 6:56 PM
Urspo
There is also the hope/delusion if they just do this, that, or the other, things will work out. It is awfully hard for humans to say ‘this isn’t working; let’s scuttle this before more time is put into this’.
December 30, 2018 at 4:14 PM
David Godfrey
Happy end of the year, dawn of a new one filled with new adventures
December 30, 2018 at 6:56 PM
Urspo
Let us hope so.
December 30, 2018 at 5:09 PM
anne marie in philly
a relationship breakup is like a death; the 5 stages of grief come into play. I left my first husband because I was miserable and we were never compatible with each other. both of us found suitable second spouses. I hope “K” finds a new partner in time.
December 30, 2018 at 6:57 PM
Urspo
I hope he does as well. Stats show he will. He will likely come in in less than a year’s time quite happy with his new man and wondering why on earth he didn’t break up with the former sooner than he did.
December 30, 2018 at 6:26 PM
Todd Gunther
Good luck to K, and oh yes, Happy New Year for everyone in the Spo household.
December 30, 2018 at 6:57 PM
Urspo
And to you/yours good sir.
December 30, 2018 at 8:29 PM
Ravager619
The fear of the unknown is a big thing. In the past, that has kept me from making life choices and instead life made those choices for me. Now that I’m older, and hopefully a little wiser, I have the courage to make those decisions whether or not they’re the right ones.
I hope K either finds a new partner, or they find out they’re pretty strong on their own. After my last breakup, I decided not to date again for awhile. Now I’m going on five years, maybe longer, and frankly I don’t really miss it.
December 30, 2018 at 9:11 PM
Urspo
You convey another matter: we “need” to be in a relationship. Many don’t and many are quite content with this.
December 30, 2018 at 8:37 PM
rjjs8878
Relationships generally don’t last. Sounds harsh, but it’s true.
December 30, 2018 at 9:11 PM
Urspo
That’s the point.
December 30, 2018 at 10:41 PM
Old Lurker
If it wasn’t for Victim energy I would have nothing to wallow in at all. Poor me poor me pour me a drink.
It is good you are taking your marriage vows seriously. So many of us treat them as mere formalities.
December 31, 2018 at 5:02 AM
Urspo
Once upon a time marriage was mere formality. Only later did romance and love enter into it.
December 31, 2018 at 4:49 AM
Moving with Mitchell
Sad that many people don’t try hard enough in their relationships while others stick with it no matter how awful thinking it’s better than being alone.
December 31, 2018 at 5:01 AM
Urspo
Indeed both are sad matters
December 31, 2018 at 7:42 AM
Tony D
I don’t think the problem is necessarily with relationships, though you are right that there are no guarantees, I think there are two challenges: the first is that we are TOLD that relationships should last forever, which is not based on fact but on fantasy and romance; and second is that we move around so much now. In the “old days” people seldom went 5 miles outside of where they were born, in fact they usually lived in the same house they were born in until they died–the people in our lives were more constant then unless they died.
The other thing is that “K” should be allowed to grieve the relationship, as you know. There is not much room for sadness and grief anymore–people are urged to “move on” or start dating right away. It is natural to be sad at the end of a relationship for whatever reasons, and that sadness can be a very useful time when we get to sift through what we value about ourselves and the other, and life and relationships.
I am glad that “K” has you to talk to.
December 31, 2018 at 7:49 AM
Urspo
Once again you write much better than I what I was hoping to say.
“Should” fantasies are hazardous as is the notion of no room for sadness.
December 31, 2018 at 8:33 AM
lavadamalone
I was doing that in my first marriage- There had never been a divorce in the family- I wasnt a quitter- and eventually everything would turn out the way I had thought it was meant to be. Fast Forward almost 8 years, full of broken promises, rivers of tears and starting overs… Enough is enough- I (and my children) deserve better than this and I dont CARE that there has never been a divorce- I’m STILL not a quitter- I’m someone who walked away with my head held high knowing I did everything in my power to make that relationship work and that it takes TWO to make it happen.
I keep this in mind ALL the time now, in all walks of my life.
You only get one chance at your life- it’s up to you what you make of it.
Happy New Year!!
December 31, 2018 at 8:21 PM
Urspo
Thank you and Happy New Year! Thanks for being part of my 2018 😊
December 31, 2018 at 9:49 AM
Steven
I truly hope that a more fruitful year is ahead for Patient K!
May you and Someone have a Happy and Prosperous New Year!
December 31, 2018 at 8:21 PM
Urspo
Happy New Year! Thanks for being part of my 2018 😊
December 31, 2018 at 3:33 PM
mcpersonalspace54
I have been catching up on my blog reading since my holiday in Massachusetts and this post you wrote was meant for me. My ex-wife’s mother died on Christmas Eve, so when I returned home I sent my ex-wife a sympathy card with a note expressing my sorrow in her loss. I got a text this afternoon from my ex-wife thanking me for the card. It was the first nice text from her in ages. I started feeling a bit sad about the demise of our relationship until I reviewed the thread of texts that I have not deleted from her. This relationship was not meant to last and I was reminded of it today by your post and by her previous texts to me. Hope you have a prosperous 2019!
December 31, 2018 at 8:20 PM
Urspo
Happy New Year! Thanks for being part of my 2018 😊
December 31, 2018 at 8:21 PM
mcpersonalspace54
Same here!
December 31, 2018 at 6:00 PM
earnestlydebra
Family and relationships have been on my mind. It’s interesting to consider how few people make a real connection. Seems more evident how we need to find happiness with our self. Happy New Year! Wishing you your heart’s desire1 Love, Debra (I hope you got a top hat for Christmas.)
December 31, 2018 at 8:20 PM
Urspo
Happy New Year! Thanks for being part of my 2018 😊
January 1, 2019 at 6:18 AM
Freckles
Rabbit Rabbit!
January 1, 2019 at 7:48 PM
Urspo
Rabbit to you too my dear !
January 2, 2019 at 2:19 AM
Paul Brownsey
My Somerset family brought me up to say “Rabbits” in the plural on the first of the month, but in some parts of England it’s “White rabbits”. I don’t think it gets said in France. A French girl working in the charity bookshop where I volunteer was gobsmacked when I greeted her on the first of a month with “Rabbits”.
January 1, 2019 at 8:11 AM
Paul Brownsey
“Relationships generally don’t last. ”
Or perhaps sometimes they last underneath, in absentia, in ways the world doesn’t understand.
See, I’m trying to write a story about someone for whom the person with whom he had a one-night stand 32 years ago, and whom he hasn’t seen since, became the foundation of his life …
It’s a job not to make it sound weird, creepy, unhealthy. Still, maybe it goes on more than we think …
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It’s a beautiful Ne’erday here in the west of Scotland but I can’t go out walking because I don’t drive and there’s no public transport of any kind.
January 1, 2019 at 7:48 PM
Urspo
Oh that sounds like a marvelous story; please tell me when it is done.
January 7, 2019 at 8:57 AM
dray
Best wishes for 2019.
Let it be a great year for everyone.