Note: The Board of Directors Here at Spo-Reflections thought this entry rawther altiloquent. The told me to expunge the similes and smarty-pants words. Nerts to them. I left’em as they are. After all this article is about control. – Spo
In my line of work I see a lot of stress. One of the most frequent and most upsetting emotions people have is the feeling of not being in control. “I have control issues” they tell me. They quickly go into a horrible fantod when they feel not in control. They spend a lot of time and energy etc. trying to be in control. For folks with ‘control issues” the poor dears never seem to have any control. It’s like being a perfectionist who can never get anything right. The gods seem to find the vow for control comical; they like to surround thems with control issues lots of thing uncontrollable.
After thirty years of encountering this issue I’ve come to these conclusions:
There isn’t much you can control.
Control is overrated.
Letting go of needing control paradoxically helps you feel more in control.
Alas, these truisms are seldom comforting to these poor unfortunate souls. Rather than feeling relief to hear their ponderous yokes can be thrown off patients with control issues double down and up the ante in their agitation to become more in control. Oh the pain.
One of the reasons they fare so badly is they continuously confuse things they can control with what they can’t control.* In ‘The Serenity Prayer’ people ask for the knowledge to know the difference. Not so my patients.
Alas, Babylon! One can’t control Life – or most of it. In the proverbial Pandora’s box of Life’s uncontrollable elements there is hope. There are few things we can control, and happily they do a lot of good. In Life’s game you don’t have many cards but you hold a few trumps.
– Things you CAN’T control –
Other people (what they do and what they think of you)
The weather
The past
Random bad events – which are not due to God’s will/Fate/destiny etc.
– Things you CAN control –
Diet
The company you keep
How you treat others
Asking for help
Your choice in beliefs and attitude
Saying ‘no”
The philosophy of Stoicism rests upon the axiom Life is not a field knee-deep in buttercups and daisies but full-up with sorrow and disappointments. One can not control things yet we take comfort knowing we will be OK enough.
Spo fans are welcome to put into the comments additions (and disagreements) what you think we can/can not control.
*This in itself is a problem viz. control-types don’t want to sort out what they can’t control; they want to control everything.
26 comments
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April 5, 2019 at 3:28 AM
anne marie in philly
when I rule the world…
🙂
April 5, 2019 at 6:49 AM
Urspo
I ask you get cracking; there’s work to be done.
April 5, 2019 at 3:40 PM
anne marie in philly
I spit on your midwest work ethic! 😉
April 5, 2019 at 3:35 AM
Moving with Mitchell
I’m very inconsistent when it comes to control. At times I can let go f everything and have no problem leaving it all up to someone else. Other times I’m like a powder keg when I’m in someone else’s hands.
April 5, 2019 at 6:49 AM
Urspo
I am likewise. Sometimes I feel I’ve let it all go; other times (usually weekends) I am running around trying to put all in order.
April 5, 2019 at 3:53 AM
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April 5, 2019 at 4:07 AM
David Godfrey
I can’t control:
the inevitability of death.
Other people
Facebook
I can control:
What I do between now and death
How a react or respond to other people
April 5, 2019 at 6:50 AM
Urspo
I didn’t include death on my list. I didn’t as some folks feel they can control their deaths via suicide. It was straw-splitting but there it is.
April 5, 2019 at 4:26 AM
Debra She Who Seeks
A very wise post, Doctor.
April 5, 2019 at 6:51 AM
Urspo
Did I forget anything?
April 5, 2019 at 4:38 AM
itsmyhusbandandme
I think I should be one of your patients. Do you have a comfortable couch?
JP
April 5, 2019 at 6:51 AM
Urspo
Sure, lots of them. You are always welcome. There is nothing wrong with you that a prolonged analysis can’t prolong.
April 5, 2019 at 4:42 AM
Steven
Definitely a good reminder for when I feel things are getting uncontrollable, particularly at the office; not so much at home.
April 5, 2019 at 6:52 AM
Urspo
Office control can be irksome, as we often feel powerless to be in control what with others, bosses, and rules/metrics.
April 5, 2019 at 5:34 AM
Sam
I agree with your two lists. Accepting and living as such is truly much harder.
April 5, 2019 at 6:53 AM
Urspo
Yes, accepting and letting go is difficult.
April 5, 2019 at 6:16 AM
RuralBeard
Control is for pantie-tops and support-hose. The older I get, the more I see control as the work of a very large ego…Me, me, me…it’s all about me. With age comes wisdom, hopefully, and with wisdom comes the ability, and possibly the right, to say….oh bugger off.
April 5, 2019 at 6:54 AM
Urspo
I think this one of the greatest gifts of aging: as we lose control of our physical wellness through aging we learn to let go- and it feels liberating. In a way it feels like we were schnoocked.
April 5, 2019 at 1:38 PM
Ron
Excellent advice! I have found from experience that I can control more in my life than I thought when I was younger. Of course there are random acts that can momentarily throw you off of your life’s course but most of your life you can control. I am living proof of that fact.
April 5, 2019 at 3:57 PM
Old Lurker
This is all well and good until you (or more specifically, I) lose control and have to face the consequences.
April 6, 2019 at 7:23 AM
Paul Brownsey
I’;m not sure you can control your beliefs.
I mean, I can’t choose to believe I’m Princess Diana reincarnated. I can pretend to believe it and act as though I believe it but neither of those mean I believe it.
April 6, 2019 at 8:55 AM
Steven up north
This post was helpful in affirming what I know but often ignore when it comes to things we can and can not control. My sister was saying to me just the other day that we have to give ourselves a break, that we are doing the best we can and we have to accept that many things are beyond our control.
April 6, 2019 at 9:36 AM
Ravager619
It took me a long, long time to learn the lesson from that serenity prayer. Once I did, I almost became a new person. Or I hope I have. I know I have no control over what others think or feel about me, and I no longer worry about it. I show up to work, do my best job and then hope I get a good bonus and a raise for my efforts.
As for outside of work… I really don’t care what others think anymore. Maybe it’s my age doing this?
April 6, 2019 at 2:04 PM
usstorageunit
I believe I have the opposite problem. I am in control of too much. It is tiring. I manage my house, my office, my husband, my kids, a few friends who need help… I relish family vacations with cousins as they are in control and I’m just along for the ride. September family wedding can’t come soon enough!
April 7, 2019 at 3:27 AM
Patrick Jonathan Wallace
Wise words (I would just add, physical activity belongs with diet, or should do).
For another topic, what about decision paralysis? I’m in an entirely self-created tiswas, overwhelmed by options (as it happens, for revamping my bathroom, but it can happen at any time). I think I may just have to stick pins in a catalogue, and trust to luck.
April 7, 2019 at 5:02 AM
wickedhamster
Stoicism is as close to a religion as I come these days. Love reading Epictetus. It took a while – the true Stoic never admits mastery, but only considers him/herself a simple “practitioner.” It was only about 5 years ago that I finally gave up on trying to change what other people think, or trying to prove that I was right. It’s deliciously liberating to have nothing to prove to anyone.