I am not a fan of Robert Heinlein. There are many reasons for this but one of them is about the traits of his novels’ heroes. They are often ‘The self-sufficient man’. The fellows could do everything themselves thus never needing help from others. Mr. Heinlein extols his readers (mostly boys) to be likewise and he castigates thems who do not. Asking for help is a sign of failure. The truth is the opposite: we continually need help. We are a species that evolved to live in groups and cooperate to achieve our survival. All day long we seek assistance from others.
Throughout my workday I listen to patients’ fears. There are usual ones like public speaking, flying, and animals with nasty pointed teeth. “Asking for help” is a subtle but ubiquitous anxiety for most, which is odd as we all do it and need to. Many people avoid asking for help as they fear rejection or the judgment of others for doing so. I think men suffer most from the Shadow side of the Self-sufficient Man archetype.*
I try to teach patients it is OK to ask for help. To better their chances of getting results and feeling good about the process I give’m a few tips. We tend to ask for help badly, You would think by now we would be good at it. Many ask do so in an apologetic manner (I’m sooo sorry to bother you) and don’t communicate the specifics. We often ask for help via text or email thinking this is the best way. Studies support the opposite: we are much more likely to get a ‘yes’ reply if we ask for help face to face or a phone call. Another matter to consider: we are awful at registering a person wants or needs help, yet people often assume our loved ones can sense we need help so they don’t directly ask and become upset when the others don’t pick up on our allegedly obvious vibes. I can’t remember the exact term for thi, but it is based on the illusion of transparency. Bottom line: you have to ask, even those you think should be able to read your mind.
When I need help I first tell my Self-Sufficient Man Complex shaming me yeah, I hear you but buzz off. Then find the person I want to ask and do so face to face. “I need your help” I say. Then I state in simple, realistic, and clear words what I want. “I need you to call this patient back for me to say she needs to come in” or “I want you please to call Hector (the groundskeeper) to come tidy up the yard” or “Thank you! I can’t get into my account I want you to help me figure out why not”. Another tip: if there help was helpful, tell them about it later. “I wanted to let you know your help was really helpful, thank you”.
Let’s stop giving The Self-Sufficient Man more libido (psychic energy) than he needs or deserves.
*The cliché of men not asking for directions touches spot-on this archetype.
25 comments
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June 27, 2019 at 10:36 AM
larrymuffin
I find that our society as a whole tends to push boys and men to behave in a self-sufficient manner. Professional sports push the macho image and it is all a bit much. You also have a lot of men who will not talk period no matter how bad things are, you have to guess. The emphasis also on all things women only creates an imbalance. Also trust is a factor, do you trust that person to help you out. Maybe you don’t, maybe you feel there is no one.
June 27, 2019 at 11:11 AM
Urspo
Part of a (healthy) group whether workplace, family, or community is a sense of safety/security to say to the others I want help. It is hoped one can ask, be heard, and received without shame.
It is a puzzling paradox I don’t trust thems who boost they never need help; I see them as not secure at all.
June 27, 2019 at 11:21 AM
Steven
Someone who asks for help shows their true identity which makes them feel vulnerable and weak. But I see that as a sign of honesty and being able to trust the person who is being asked.
June 27, 2019 at 11:31 AM
Urspo
Let us hope so. A person who asks for help is strong enough in their self-worth to do so.
June 27, 2019 at 1:20 PM
Paul Brownsey
When we go walking my husband is reluctant to ask for directions, however uncertain we may be about where we are; I, on the contrary, will ask for confirmation even if I am certain we are on the right track (“This *is* the path that goes above the crags, isn’t it?”).
June 28, 2019 at 6:59 AM
Urspo
Good for you! It seems there is always one of each in a couple
June 27, 2019 at 2:32 PM
unconventional wisdom
Great post!
June 28, 2019 at 6:59 AM
Urspo
thank you
June 30, 2019 at 5:22 AM
unconventional wisdom
Reblogged from my blog… Hope that’s ok. If not, let me know and will remove. Looking forward to your next post!
June 30, 2019 at 10:37 AM
Urspo
Quite ok ! This evening after my paperwork is done I plan to stop by for a looksee
June 27, 2019 at 4:17 PM
anne marie in philly
I will always try to do something on my own first. if I fail, then I ask for help and learn what I did wrong. WARRIOR QUEEN STRONG!
June 28, 2019 at 6:59 AM
Urspo
May you always be so
June 27, 2019 at 5:01 PM
Bob Slatten
I try first and then if I don’t succeed I’ll ask for help. But I find no shame in asking for that help. I mean, we’re all here to learn, right?
June 28, 2019 at 6:59 AM
Urspo
Indeed! Good for you!
June 28, 2019 at 8:00 AM
anne marie in philly
bob, are we siblings from other mothers?
June 27, 2019 at 6:41 PM
Old Lurker
Guilty as charged. I have learned not to ask for help, but that is not because I am strong.
Recently I did ask for help, was graciously offered it, accepted it, and now I feel as if I owe a great big debt.
June 28, 2019 at 7:01 AM
Urspo
This is common problem about asking/giving help: people feel it is a Ping-Pong game that obliges them in some sort of contract for future matters.
If you ask for help and receive it, I think the transaction is concluded when you loop back with feedback/thanks the help received was helpful.
June 27, 2019 at 7:43 PM
Parnassus
Help is a complex process, involving both helper and helpee. “Being sensitive” sometimes is called for when people won’t/can’t ask for help.
Furthermore, asking for help can unchain events unanticipated by the askers, which might make them more reluctant in the future. For a recent blog post I asked for some simple help, but the rude response will alter future relationships–in this case, I should not have asked!
–Jim
June 30, 2019 at 10:36 AM
Urspo
People often mistake the results of asking (it didn’t work/they were upset and rude at my request) as a sign they ought not to have asked. It is seldom so. Don’t mistake the outcome as a measurement of the attempt.
June 28, 2019 at 3:40 AM
Moving with Mitchell
As I grew out of my father issues (my father obviously saw it as a sign of weakness) I stopped having a problem asking for help. I think I’m now good at it and at showing appreciation.
June 28, 2019 at 7:02 AM
Urspo
Good for you too! It feels liberating doesn’t it to know you can ask for help when needed and not have some inner neurosis shake its finger at you.
June 28, 2019 at 6:44 AM
Insightful post by Urspo on the usefulness of asking for help more, masculinity archetypes, and some tips: Spo-reflections on asking for help – Unconventional Wisdom
[…] via Spo-reflections on asking for help. — Spo-Reflections […]
June 28, 2019 at 11:35 PM
Ravager619
It can be tough to ask for help. Especially when you have so-called alphas calling people cucks, soy boys, bearded eggs, and other stupid names. I used to have a problem asking for help, but nowadays I’ll reach out and ask for it once in awhile.
June 29, 2019 at 6:36 PM
Urspo
Good for you !
July 4, 2019 at 6:02 AM
drlrner
I have a hard time asking for help, you have given me some helpful tips for being more direct. Thanks for posting this!