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I started a post that was supposed to upbeat and full up with Attic wit but it was continually interrupted by my thoughts which were not at all in that vein. I decided to save that draft and finish it another time.  Rather, I started to write ‘what was on my mind” which admittedly isn’t ‘fun reading’.  All the same it is what I was thinking and perhaps writing and posting the stuff could help scare away the bats in my belfry. Normally when I write I edit and re-edit ,making sure every sentence has the right word and prosody to it. Not this one. This one was written as a ‘let it fly’ catharsis.  – Spo.

I’ve just learned Father’s eye surgery did not go well; his failing eyesight is probably doing to worsen to the point of blindness. His vision was already. I dread my next phone call with him; he will be quite despondent.  He had such hopes for some help with his vision and these are dashed. This year he’s lost his wife, his house, his autonomy, and now he has lost his vision. There is nothing is so hard and painful as watching your loved ones deteriorate and feeling helpless to do anything about it. It’s like watching a person drowning and you have nothing to throw to them.

I feel worse for Brother #3 who is our father’s caretaker. I fear 24/7 caretaking is causing in him great fatigue if not clinical depression.  I fear he cannot do this anymore on his own.  Alas, Father is too frail to send out to live with me for the winter, and there is the covid exposure to travel.  My calls back east seem more to him than to Father. in his state I sense he is not wanting to talk either. I am worried for both of them.

I’ve had to turn off the media. I did this in October when I could not bear the pain and sorrow and angst that was prior to the election. After 7 November I felt like a great burden had been lifted; for the first time in years I felt some hope for the future of the nation. Finally!  Reason, truth, and science will prevail!  Nowadays all I read are alarmist headlines about The Rotten Orange refusing to leave and his myrmidons hinting at a literal armed rebellion while his crackpot attorneys seem to be successfully wearing out the legal system through attrition with bogus lawsuits. What I want of course is someone sane and certain to assure me the shocking news on line is all B.S. hype headlines purposely written to suck me into doom-scrolling.

Truth be told I am not happy with myself. I’ve not had any exercise this year and the lack of such have taken a toll on my mood and my physique.  I get short-winded and tired easily.

And I hate that I am not more stoic about all that’s happening. It perturbs me I can get down and anxious and discouraged this much despite years of training, experience, and insight.  Spos are notorious at sucking up others’ sorrows like sponges (Brother #3 and  Father is a good example). I continually have to be on guard at not letting work, nation, news, etc. get up my nose and down my spine.

I don’t know what if anything can be ‘done’ about Father, brother, and the sickly nation other than listen and be there and persevere remembering I’ve gotten through everything so far.  Writing helps – as does turning off the news. I need to start some sort of exercise even if it means forgoing some things I want to do  – there just isn’t enough time in the day for work and for all I wish to do! I need to better my diet as well. I sorely miss having someone to talk to perhaps I can find a therapist or a paid ‘ear’ to whom I can vent. As C.G. Jung said: even the pope has a confessor.

There’s more (house repair and projects neglected) but this is enough for now.

Thanks for reading.


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December 2020

Spo-Reflections 2006-2018