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“It helps sometimes to be a little deaf” – Ruth Ginsberg

Social media is notorious at presenting a Potemkin village how one is and is doing. This often elicits in the reader a sense of inferiority, depression, and envy.  Comparing ones insides to another outsides always does this. In response to yesterday’s post I later worried a little I was giving the illusion we were ‘made for each other’ and all in our relationship is knee-deep in buttercups and daisies. It made me think about and write what makes a good enough relationship – and it isn’t euphoria and compatibility.

Not too long ago people married not because they thought ‘this would work’ but for other reasons, and it was hoped in time Love would grow, although this wasn’t a priority.  Nowadays people on their own to find a mate and they tend to marry others like themselves. Dating apps (I am told) try very hard match people to others nearly identical to each other. From a psychological point of view this can be hazardous. When two people are very much alike, the trivial differences between them they discover in time are likely to result in upset.

Finding a partner with whom you will be happy over a lifetime is a tough thing to evaluate when dating. It is arguably impossible do to through insight.* I don’t need to tell you many marriages do not last and they are often rejected because they didn’t stay how they were or the deficits were not improving.**

It is so obvious yet few people consciously realize when courting or exchanging rings not only is your partner going to be different in time, so will you. What you want now is not what you will want in twenty years. Overtime time you will drive each other to distraction. No matter how well you think you can chose someone, later on you will question your judgement. 

So what happens when Prince Charming later becomes King Not-so-charming?  One option is to call it quits and start with someone else. Many do and many should. I tend to think decades of effort is not something to throw away quickly.

Successful relations require both parties to be aware of these axioms and be resilient. You will not have a partner without flaws but you will need to discount your partner’s flaws – and laud their assets. Your mate needs to be allowed to go from being the one you want to wanting the one you are with. 

Yesterday I mentioned Someone’s biggest bane is I don’t listen/pay attention well. Despite two decades of failure and effort I still have to keep working on this. Yet he hasn’t told me to leave. I’ve come to the conclusion if I want the dryer lint trap emptied I will have to do it myself. It is a small price to pay really for walking into the sunset with Someone you love. 

 

*In “(I, Claudius) Augustus asks his wife Livia, who is arranging the family’s children’s marriages, about Claudius’ future wife. “Well, I feel sorry for her, does she know what’s she is getting?” to which Livia replies: “Do any of us?”.

 

**This used to be called ‘the hysterical-obsessive marriage” where two people, each with a deficit in their personalities, marries each  each other hoping this fulfills themselves. Later they break up because they are not fulfilled and the original charm is now looked upon with disdain. 

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