Why The Muses dropped this one into the penetralia of my pumpkin is anyone’s guess. I suppose it is a follow-up to my recent blog entry about trying again to nurture a garden and keep it alive. Spo
I have more books than bookshelves, so I keep my most-cherished tomes in the in the home office where they are on display; everytime I am enter the room I see them standing proud on the shelves like winners at the Olympics. Among the “A-list” books are a four thin paperbacks in “The Frog and Toad” series. They are a set of childrens’ books about a friendship shared by a frog and a toad. There is nothing particularly awesome about these stories; every chapter is essentially the same story: Frog is anxious/neurotic about something and his bestie, Toad, arrives on the scene to assure Frog things are OK. All the stories end with the two of them doing something together, happy in each other’s company.
Spo-fans may be wondering if Urs Truly sees them as a gay couple. I don’t. There is nothing in the tales to suggest their relationship is a romantic one. Frog and Toad are friends – male friends – which is an important point. Men these days have a hard time being friends with each other. Straight men fear their same-sex friendships will be seen as ‘something gay’ while gay friendships often have unclear boundaries to what the relationships are and allow. Women on the other hand often have lots of friends and make friends easily. But I digress. The “Frog and Toad” books are up on the bookshelf among the cherished for two reasons:
They make me feel good to reflect upon the lovely intimacy of a friendship.
They remind me to nurture my friendships.
This last point is something needing emphasis. Friends are vital to body and soul and I fear I do not do a good enough job at keeping mine going. I should be minding my chums as zealously as the newly planted plants mentioned in my blog entry earlier this week. This point is illustrated by the sad and shameful admission after 15 years of living in Arizona I have failed to make any real close friends. Mind! I am so grateful for my faraway friends and blogger buddies (hey! That’s you!). Nevertheless I I would like some local chums as well. It is my great desire and great challenge to do this and keep the faraway friends from wandering off, losing orbit into deep and irretrievable space.
My inner Frog wants a nearby Toad whom I can call to say I’m feeling low today; why don’t you come over and let’s have a chinwag over tea. Yes, I would give a lot for that.
38 comments
April 1, 2021 at 4:09 AM
Jennifer Barlow
I try to encourage my husband to get together with his friends, although it’s obvious that it’s much harder for men to cultivate the close friendships that would truly be good for them. I honestly don’t know how I’d manage life without my friends and their support! So many men would be stronger emotionally if they cultivated those kinds of relationships with other men and they’d probably live longer and be physically healthier, too.
I love Frog and Toad! I also like the characters and their friendships in The Wind in the Willows.
April 1, 2021 at 7:22 AM
Urspo
I’ve seen what a man does to make/keep friends this can be easily done in a snap by a woman. It wasn’t always that way. It’s sad to read history of great friendships between men only to hear current men snicker ‘they must have been gay’
April 1, 2021 at 4:27 AM
Ron
Friendships are so important. One of the reasons I moved to Delaware (2006) was my best friend Bob Mc. lived here. Unfortunately his partner was so jealous of any of Bob’s friends, especially me because I had known Bob longer (since 1960) than anybody, that I could not resume our close friendship. Another reason I moved to Delaware was because of the large gay population. Again, unfortunately that population is very cliquish and the few friends I did make often confused our friendship for a romantic one which created more than one awkward moment. Even those friends have died (Wayne, Jack). Even my pre Delaware friendships have passed on (Ed). The best friends I have made have all resulted from my blog. So it’s not you. Good, sustaining, rewarding, deep friendships are hard to come by. When Bill dies, I will be totally alone here in Delaware. The only question now is do I get a dog or a cat for companionship. My only friends now are Pat (Canada), Glenn (California), Larry (Claymont DE) and Don (Philadelphia). I doubt there will be any more additions to my stable of friends for the short time I have left on this planet and I’m actually alright with that. A slow face my friend, that’s how I prefer to go. Your best friend lives right in Casa de Spo with you. You are so fortunate.
April 1, 2021 at 7:24 AM
Urspo
Arizona has the added challenge everything and everyone needs a drive through traffic to meet up; no one is ‘near by’. The notion of getting in the car often trumps a desire to go out/see people.
April 1, 2021 at 4:27 AM
Ron
“Slow fade”, I really should proofread.
April 1, 2021 at 5:03 PM
Linda Practical Parsimony
I was still trying to process “slow face.”
April 1, 2021 at 4:30 AM
David Godfrey
I miss being able to say, “time to meet for lunch, or bourbon” it will happen again, it has been a fast long year.
April 1, 2021 at 7:25 AM
Urspo
Oh! To have some local chums to meet for bourbon!
I have a lot of whiskies but I don’t drink much as they are such a social drink for me; it’s no fun drinking this stuff by oneself.
April 1, 2021 at 5:31 AM
Freckles
HIPPO HIPPO (Just kidding, April Fool’s Day! I meant to say Rabbit Rabbit)
April 1, 2021 at 7:25 AM
Urspo
And a merry first of April to you too dearie!
April 1, 2021 at 6:08 AM
Debra She Who Seeks
I’m sure there must be m/m slash fanfiction online about Frog and Toad! On a more serious note, it’s hard to make new friends while working full-time because finding and starting friendships does require a big investment of time and effort.
April 1, 2021 at 7:27 AM
Urspo
I had to look this up….
I am always astounded when I discover something of which I had no awareness only to see such. It’s like living at home and being told there is something called the internet I might find interesting…..
April 1, 2021 at 7:10 AM
anne marie in philly
my closest blog friends (location wise) are mistress maddie and mark & joe. all the others are scattered far and wide. my blog friends are my best friends!
enjoy your time with brother #4 and his family!
April 1, 2021 at 7:27 AM
Urspo
I hold you/Todd and my blogger-buddies dear to my heart
Smooches
April 1, 2021 at 8:09 AM
Lori
We moved here 16 years ago and it’s been difficult to find good friends. I miss my Florida family still.
April 1, 2021 at 9:17 AM
Urspo
Yes it is challenging for adults to make new friends.
Remember how easy it was as kids? “Hi” “Hi” “You wanna be friends”
‘Sure!”
April 1, 2021 at 8:39 AM
Parnassus
Professor of gender studies Jeffrey Dennis often makes the point that while friendships such as frog and toad are not necessarily romantic, in a world that is narrowly heteronormative (especially at the time when many readers were growing up), seeing such friendships offered an escape from the usual “which girl do you like” pressure and the typical movie m/f fade-out kiss. Besides, as Debra pointed out, you never know!
–Jim
April 1, 2021 at 9:18 AM
Urspo
That was thoughtful reading; thank you for taking time to write it
April 1, 2021 at 9:13 AM
rjjs8878
I think part of the challenge, especially for me, is finding a person who has the qualities you admire in a friend. I know a lot of guys but most are not friend material. I’m also quick to cut someone out of my life if they create too much drama.
April 1, 2021 at 9:19 AM
Urspo
Friends should be good things not sources of drama, indeed.
April 1, 2021 at 12:35 PM
fallenstarstories
I am a HUGE Frog and Toad fan. They speak to and of my heart, always. (Also…have you read the Mouse and Mole books by Joyce Dunbar & James Mayhew. Inspired by Frog and Toad…)
April 1, 2021 at 1:32 PM
Urspo
No I am not aware of Mouse and Mole; thank you for the recommendation.
April 1, 2021 at 1:30 PM
Old Lurker
I feel the Muses plunked this into the penetralia of your pumpkin as encouragement for you to seek out more friends.
Don’t you have any friends you have made at the karaoke bar? On Scruff?
My suggestion (which may be unrealistic given your work schedule and soon-to-be-resumed commute) is to joing some local meetups (choirs, big gay quiz nights) and/or volunteer the way Someone did for his arts organization. Since you are into the fiber arts you might find friends at a local Stitch ‘n’ Bitch group or Ravelry coven. Since you are a talented artist you might sign up for a weekly class where some conversations are permitted. These shared interest groups are they way grownups forge social connections in this horrible world.
April 1, 2021 at 1:37 PM
Urspo
Over the years we’ve tried a variety of clubs and bars etc. – none have had success. You are spot-on correct it is better to join a club like square-dancing or book clubs etc. to meet others – even if you don’t make friends you haven’t waster time viz. you were doing something you enjoyed.
The biggest challenge of course is making time. After working 12 hours and precious little time left the few remaining hours of the day I want to crash, not go out. Weekends seem to be mostly catch-up chores.
It get anything done right I have to put it into my schedule – not wait for time and energy to do something – that never happens.
April 1, 2021 at 7:40 PM
Old Lurker
It sounds as if you will need to be quite intentional about this effort, then.
April 1, 2021 at 2:30 PM
Gigi Rambles
Friends are important. And very difficult to cultivate as adults, for some reason.
April 1, 2021 at 2:47 PM
Urspo
for many reasons really. You would think we could do better as we are all in the same predicament.
April 1, 2021 at 3:49 PM
Steven
Dear me! A blast from the past when I saw this post! I can’t remember how many times I checked “Frog and Toad Are Friends” out at the school library. I’ve been trying to re-nurture my friendship with a friend from early childhood after his wife died from cancer in February. The cancer has been a battle for years, so it wasn’t unexpected, but the lack of communication is disconcerting.
April 1, 2021 at 3:51 PM
Urspo
I am discovering Frog and Toad are known by more than I thought. I am glad you too liked them, Good luck with your friendship.
April 1, 2021 at 5:10 PM
Linda Practical Parsimony
I always made friends easily. Husband did not, but the few friends he did make always turned out to be gay and he dropped them like a hot potato, which I thought was sad, considering his brother was gay. Believe me, he heard about it from me. My friends are dying. Another is moving to the coast. Bummer.
April 1, 2021 at 7:54 PM
Urspo
A sad story. You keep in touch my friend
April 1, 2021 at 7:16 PM
Robert
Cheers to that 😊
April 1, 2021 at 7:53 PM
Urspo
Cheers to you too my handsome
April 1, 2021 at 11:25 PM
Mary
I made 2 friends in college and we’re still friends 55 years later. While raising my children, caring for my parents, work, and keeping in touch with a large extended family, I didn’t have time to cultivate friendships. Building friendships takes time. Now old, I’m enjoying my solitude. The television, garden, computer, and walking are my friends. sounds like I could retire to a convent. Lol
April 2, 2021 at 7:19 AM
Urspo
Fortunate to have such chums! One or two is enough, esp. when blessed with family and activities.
April 4, 2021 at 10:03 PM
Pat
Don’t know if my lack of a need for friends is related to this, but growing up we were four brothers, all born in a 6 year span. So my friends were my family. We spent all summer in a shore community where most people only came for a week, so friends were not really a thing. I had and have a few good friends from college that I see infrequently but when we do talk, the decades disappear. Since my best friend is my partner of 38 years, now husband, I really haven’t felt the need to cultivate others. A move several years ago to an area full of extroverted transplants and semi- or fully retired people with time on their hands means we made lots of new acquaintances but really only one set of friends we would keep up with if we or they were to move. I don’t mind an impromptu chat with a neighbor or acquaintance but this year of apartness hasn’t been hard for us. In fact, as social invites pickup again amongst the fully jabbed, I fear left to my own devices my inner Bartleby would like to respond “I would prefer not to.”
April 6, 2021 at 11:03 PM
Richard Portman
I still never know how to explain this relationship i had. It lasted 25 years until his death. When i talk with women in my culture, i say boyfriend. When i talk with men in my culture, i say buddy.
In our place we were called Peat and Repeat, because if you see one, you will see the other.
It was an important relationship. I wish English language and thought had a way to understand this.
We did the best we could.
When he died, i was working with some people from Jalisco.
They already heard. They said me and him were “como hermanos”.
April 7, 2021 at 11:16 AM
spwilcen
Good luck finding Toad. I’ve worked hard at keeping both Toad and Frog. Oddly most eventually hop away – kids, second youth, golf, drink, or a Newt of a more capricious sort to be courted. Alas, more than one have passed away. Not surprising at my age. I’ve reflected: not particularly my fault. I mean I can’t be blamed for NOT being a Newt, or NOT liking golf and considering it my reason for living, and certainly NOT for being old. Good read as far as I’m concerned, obviously.