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I do not want to wait until Wednesday to try this ‘W’. There is no lack of lacklusters, loafers, and loungeabouts in need of slapping. Some insufferable sods suffer from what the Germans call Backpfeifengesicht. Most however just need a sound thrashing. Here are nine to get things going, one for each level in Mr. Dante’s nine circles of Hell. I somewhat sorted them ‘top to bottom’, with the ninth level holding the worst of the wontons. Spo.

Thems who put maraschino cherries in my ‘dry’ drinks. When I order a dry Manhattan the bartender should know this means dry vermouth and a lemon twist, not a neon-red cherry with a quarter-cup of cherry juice. This is not a dry Manhattan but a date-rape Shirley Temple. Oh the pain.

Thems that don’t return their grocery carts to the corral. This particularly burns my bacon when the corral is a mere few footsteps away from the miscreant loading their car, which is usually an SUV. There is a correlation it seems between thems who drive SUVs and an uwillingness to walk ten paces to put the damn cart where it is supposed to be.

Thems who page me on weekends for something not urgent. This doesn’t happen often but when it does it is usually the same scenario. Dicky Purdy or his sister Sue pages me to say they feel depressed or anxious. I tactfully put out they have long time felt this way so what’s different that they paged me on a Sunday afternoon. Pages are supposed to be for acute/can’t wait matters to triage what’s to be done. Mr. or Ms. Purdy are usually bored or lonely – and haven’t been seen in awhile. If these sorts are on Level #4, perhaps a little lower (level #4B) are thems who text/call me directly on my phone surpassing the page system.

Thems who gripe but don’t do anything. This is also known as ‘complaining”. I wish I had a shilling for every time a patient or acquaintance kvetches about some misery yet don’t work on change. Sometimes I try to help. “You know what I think?” I tell them “I think you should do something” meaning make a move/effort/change to alter the situation. Sometimes they acknowledge this with a ‘yes, but..” to convey they feel powerless/helpless to do anything at all. Then I try to help with this. When I connect the dots they are not willing to do any work, I stop trying and I listen (bored) to their ongoing same complaint and tell them their life sucks and I will see them in 3 months.

Thems who pontificate on topics they don’t know diddly-squat. Worse than the whiners are the know-it-alls who always have the right opinion and know the answers – often on subjects they know nothing about, having picked up their so-called facts from some other know-it-all type (usually on-line).

Thems that step out of a theatre and promptly stop to converse with someone, blocking everyone else’s exit. These types are lower down as as while one can walk away from the gasconades it is harder to do with the ones blocking the exit doors. “Speedbumpkins” I call them. Someone is more verbal at these types telling them to ‘get a room’ or ‘oh to have a cowcatcher’. Trouble with this approach is the speedbumpkins are absorbed in their conversations and either aren’t aware or are ignoring the ones trying to get around them.

Thems who throw away half-consumed water bottles. Spo-fans may question why these types rank so low. It touches upon waste and sloth and carelessness. I live in a desert, where every drop of water is precious. A closed half-consumed bottle of water in the rubbish! I ask you! Couldn’t they have have drained into the sink first? The plastic bottle is another matter. Take it home to a recycling bin. If you only need a few sips of water, there is a drinking fountain in the gym – two of them actually. I won’t accept fears of contagion as you are walking around the gym maskless, grasping gym equipment for which you did not wash your hands before or afterwards.

As we descend further into the depths of hell, searching for Whos to slap, I find I am getting cross and writing with less tact…….

Thems who wear their masks below the nose. I sense these villains wear masks with their noses sticking out are playing lip service and at the same time defying others, not unlike an impudent child sticking out its tongues. I am unafraid to say ‘Hey, friend, your mask has fallen up over the nose now’ just to see them drop their fa├žade to reveal they are only wearing it as they ‘have to’ and not from concerns of others.

Here we arrive at the bottom, the ones whom I want to slap the most:

Thems that quote The Bible to support whatever they are flogging. The best approach to these sordid sorts (apart from slapping them) is to tell them any quotations from The Bible used to defend politics is irrelevant. The Bible is not something this country uses to make Law and do Justice.

Now I am thoroughly grumpy. I probably need slapping myself.

Spo-fans: Who needs to be slapped silly in your neck of the woods? Do tell, provided it does not raise your blood pressure to do so.

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