I do not want to wait until Wednesday to try this ‘W’. There is no lack of lacklusters, loafers, and loungeabouts in need of slapping. Some insufferable sods suffer from what the Germans call Backpfeifengesicht. Most however just need a sound thrashing. Here are nine to get things going, one for each level in Mr. Dante’s nine circles of Hell. I somewhat sorted them ‘top to bottom’, with the ninth level holding the worst of the wontons. Spo.
Thems who put maraschino cherries in my ‘dry’ drinks. When I order a dry Manhattan the bartender should know this means dry vermouth and a lemon twist, not a neon-red cherry with a quarter-cup of cherry juice. This is not a dry Manhattan but a date-rape Shirley Temple. Oh the pain.
Thems that don’t return their grocery carts to the corral. This particularly burns my bacon when the corral is a mere few footsteps away from the miscreant loading their car, which is usually an SUV. There is a correlation it seems between thems who drive SUVs and an uwillingness to walk ten paces to put the damn cart where it is supposed to be.
Thems who page me on weekends for something not urgent. This doesn’t happen often but when it does it is usually the same scenario. Dicky Purdy or his sister Sue pages me to say they feel depressed or anxious. I tactfully put out they have long time felt this way so what’s different that they paged me on a Sunday afternoon. Pages are supposed to be for acute/can’t wait matters to triage what’s to be done. Mr. or Ms. Purdy are usually bored or lonely – and haven’t been seen in awhile. If these sorts are on Level #4, perhaps a little lower (level #4B) are thems who text/call me directly on my phone surpassing the page system.
Thems who gripe but don’t do anything. This is also known as ‘complaining”. I wish I had a shilling for every time a patient or acquaintance kvetches about some misery yet don’t work on change. Sometimes I try to help. “You know what I think?” I tell them “I think you should do something” meaning make a move/effort/change to alter the situation. Sometimes they acknowledge this with a ‘yes, but..” to convey they feel powerless/helpless to do anything at all. Then I try to help with this. When I connect the dots they are not willing to do any work, I stop trying and I listen (bored) to their ongoing same complaint and tell them their life sucks and I will see them in 3 months.
Thems who pontificate on topics they don’t know diddly-squat. Worse than the whiners are the know-it-alls who always have the right opinion and know the answers – often on subjects they know nothing about, having picked up their so-called facts from some other know-it-all type (usually on-line).
Thems that step out of a theatre and promptly stop to converse with someone, blocking everyone else’s exit. These types are lower down as as while one can walk away from the gasconades it is harder to do with the ones blocking the exit doors. “Speedbumpkins” I call them. Someone is more verbal at these types telling them to ‘get a room’ or ‘oh to have a cowcatcher’. Trouble with this approach is the speedbumpkins are absorbed in their conversations and either aren’t aware or are ignoring the ones trying to get around them.
Thems who throw away half-consumed water bottles. Spo-fans may question why these types rank so low. It touches upon waste and sloth and carelessness. I live in a desert, where every drop of water is precious. A closed half-consumed bottle of water in the rubbish! I ask you! Couldn’t they have have drained into the sink first? The plastic bottle is another matter. Take it home to a recycling bin. If you only need a few sips of water, there is a drinking fountain in the gym – two of them actually. I won’t accept fears of contagion as you are walking around the gym maskless, grasping gym equipment for which you did not wash your hands before or afterwards.
As we descend further into the depths of hell, searching for Whos to slap, I find I am getting cross and writing with less tact…….
Thems who wear their masks below the nose. I sense these villains wear masks with their noses sticking out are playing lip service and at the same time defying others, not unlike an impudent child sticking out its tongues. I am unafraid to say ‘Hey, friend, your mask has fallen up over the nose now’ just to see them drop their façade to reveal they are only wearing it as they ‘have to’ and not from concerns of others.
Here we arrive at the bottom, the ones whom I want to slap the most:
Thems that quote The Bible to support whatever they are flogging. The best approach to these sordid sorts (apart from slapping them) is to tell them any quotations from The Bible used to defend politics is irrelevant. The Bible is not something this country uses to make Law and do Justice.
Now I am thoroughly grumpy. I probably need slapping myself.
Spo-fans: Who needs to be slapped silly in your neck of the woods? Do tell, provided it does not raise your blood pressure to do so.
56 comments
September 9, 2021 at 3:34 AM
David Godfrey
Many of the same, the nose hangers should be slapped and excluded from public transport FOR LIFE. Public pot smokers, DC and VA have decriminalized possession of small amounts, but smoking on the street, in the middle of the day, smells like a dead skunk on fire.
September 9, 2021 at 6:00 AM
wickedhamster
Consuming alcohol on the street is illegal in various locales; in this neck of the woods, almost no one smokes tobacco in public (mainly because almost no one smokes). Why certain people think pot smoking on the sidewalk is OK is beyond me.
September 9, 2021 at 6:04 AM
Urspo
I suppose they do to flaunt they can
September 9, 2021 at 6:03 AM
Urspo
What does a live skunk on fire smell like I wonder
September 9, 2021 at 2:51 PM
David Godfrey
Hmm, good question, the last person to try to find out, has not been allowed back the research lab.
September 9, 2021 at 4:23 AM
BadNoteB
Ditto on the dry Manhattan, though I tolerate the occasional cherry far better than the cocktail onion once served at a very elegant hotel lounge in Dallas. I’ve completely given up ordering my true preference (Perfect) unless I’m in a mood to share recipe instructions with the rare tender willing to admit they have no idea what I’m asking for. I also love to generously tip the increasingly rare mixologists who have bothered to actually master their craft.
As for the nose hangers, I find myself shaking my head at their ignorance – and wondering what the hell they must do with a condom.
September 9, 2021 at 6:05 AM
Urspo
I love me a perfect Manhattan alas one cannot get one ever
September 9, 2021 at 4:50 AM
Lori Hawkins
YES to all of these!!
September 9, 2021 at 6:05 AM
Urspo
Slap away dearie
September 9, 2021 at 5:13 AM
Dwight W.
Since all my slaps have a Proper name, I’ll piggyback here for today. I haven’t had a Cherry in so long, I seriously doubt I would recognize one. We are blessed , unfortunately, with a sticker and a personal assistant who deals with my mothers cart wishes and needs. Age buys privilege and a first name relationship with the store manager. Pages or phone calls or texts on a weekend, if not , emergencies should be punished -Double slap. Pontification. To me if you are not wearing ermine and Red Prada shoes , you get a slap. Sometimes in our house , I feel like a waterholic, if we are gonna buy bottled water , I will finish up every half full , mine or not. Wearing your mask below you nose is definitely deserving of a slap . It’s like what’s the f***ing point. The Bible , we don’t get much of that, but yes anyone who weaponizes religion gets a slap. Many apartments and condos on the high end , take a DNA sample of your dogs droppings , so there must be clean up or consequences. I slap the dog owner twice , for embarrassing the dog and for being stupid.
September 9, 2021 at 6:07 AM
Urspo
Your hand must be sore form all the slapping
September 9, 2021 at 5:39 AM
rjjs8878
Thems who will not get vaccinated.
September 9, 2021 at 6:08 AM
Urspo
I discriminate them into two groups. One is the fearful uniformed open to education and the other obstinate with stupid rationales. Alas most are in the second group
September 9, 2021 at 6:41 AM
rjjs8878
I agree.
September 9, 2021 at 6:00 AM
wickedhamster
Love this! And thanks for expanding my Teutonic vocab!!!
September 9, 2021 at 6:08 AM
Urspo
Which word ?
September 9, 2021 at 6:22 AM
Debra She Who Seeks
“Speedbumpkins” is now my new favourite word!
September 9, 2021 at 7:28 AM
Urspo
Speedbump-kins (I believe) is an invention of Someone. It is a good word, no?
September 9, 2021 at 6:55 AM
Hugh W. Roberts
I love this post, even if it did make you grumpy.
I think we should have shopping carts that have handles that stick to our hands once outside the shop and which only release our hands when the cart has been returned to the correct place. I don’t think we’d find many abandoned in the car parks, streets or rivers if that happened.
As for thems that gripe but don’t do anything about their complaint, they remind me of some of the bloggers who complained bitterly about the Block editor on WordPress but who do nothing about reporting bugs and faults with it or don’t take any time in watching and reading tutorials about how to use it.
September 9, 2021 at 7:31 AM
Urspo
Thank you for the comment; I know I’ve done good when The Hugh-Master (Lord of posts) gives a thumbs up!
I now make it a point whenever I am grumbling viz. complaining about something, I stop to think ‘what can I do, I need to do something” I did this yesterday with a pharm rep who sent me 32 pages of information when I asked him a question whose answer is a number. I hope it did som good/change. Probably not, but I did something.
September 9, 2021 at 7:44 AM
Hugh W. Roberts
That’s the way to look at complaining. If you have one, do something about it/take action rather than do nothing but complain.
September 9, 2021 at 7:43 AM
Robzilla
I love this kind of post. I have a whole list of people who need to be punched. Perhaps I should make an extra blog post about this? I have lots of candidates in mind.
September 9, 2021 at 8:11 AM
Urspo
Please do!
I always enjoy your lists. Your lists are more fun than mine!
September 9, 2021 at 8:44 AM
Bob Slatten
Nailed it.
I join you in each and every slap!
September 9, 2021 at 9:00 AM
Urspo
Groovy
But did I get them in the right order of dissolution and depravity?
September 9, 2021 at 9:04 AM
Old Lurker
Honestly, Dr Spo. You should familiarize yourself with Matthew 7:1-5?
As for me, I think I scored 5/9 on your quiz. Do I get a prize?
September 9, 2021 at 9:14 AM
Urspo
The Dodo prize !
September 10, 2021 at 3:22 AM
Paul Brownsey
“You should familiarize yourself with Matthew 7:1-5”
Why, exactly?
(But perhaps you itnended the irony…)
September 10, 2021 at 6:09 AM
wickedhamster
Said Holy Writ makes no mention of slapping, so you’re OK Spo.
September 9, 2021 at 9:52 AM
Linda Practical Parsimony
Slap them all silly again for me. Add the people who go in big box stores and have a family reunion, complete with kids, elderly, carts of all sorts, the stroller. They never seem to notice another person exists on the earth.
September 9, 2021 at 10:14 AM
Urspo
This sounds like another variety of Speedbumpkins, a southern type perhaps.
September 9, 2021 at 11:40 AM
Dwight W.
Hey Now – some of us Southerners have Amazon Prime !
September 9, 2021 at 11:40 AM
Parnassus
Don’t even get me started on my personal list. A lot miscreants come under the super-category of inconsideration. The ultimate offenders, who go beyond slapping all the way to deserving capital punishment, are the noise-makers, such as those who install wind chimes or operate public loudspeakers.
–Jim
September 9, 2021 at 12:13 PM
Urspo
C.S. Lewis wrote another name for Hell is “The Kingdom of Noise” and this makes sense to me.
I love me some wind chimes but I am very careful not to hang them within earshot of any neighbors. That would be worthy of a slap indeed.
September 9, 2021 at 11:43 PM
Linda Practical Parsimony
I would slap you into next week if I could hear your windchimes. Then, I would wait for next week and slap you back to the past and throw the windchimes after you. Someone stole my windchimes while they were robbing me blind.
September 9, 2021 at 12:46 PM
Debbie W.
Thanks for sharing such a fun and inventive post. I very much enjoyed participating in all that slapping, even vicariously. Those who insist on such ineffectual mask-wearing need to be double-slapped, at the very least!
September 9, 2021 at 12:52 PM
Urspo
All the articles about getting people to mask up rest on the axiom shaming/yelling doesn’t work – and slapping doesn’t work either (more’s the pity). I fear they are beyond persuasion and law -and people willing to uphold the law – will have to do.
September 9, 2021 at 12:55 PM
Will Jay
I’m getting grumpier as I get older. The response to the complainers is the question: what is your part in the solution? If you’re not willing to invest time and resources to develop and implement the solution, then you give up whining rights and we don’t have to listen to you whine. Taking this approach, I’ve identified that I’m willing to put up with many inconveniences since I don’t have the time or inclination to serve as a part of the (inevitable) committee that will be called upon to solve the problem or issue.
September 9, 2021 at 1:32 PM
Urspo
that is a very good question to pose to a complainer
I shall try it out.
September 9, 2021 at 1:05 PM
Sam
I believe this is my favorite W of all time. Might I be allowed to add it to m Friday list? It is a sort of therapy I can consume in print without resorting to actually doing this, and thus not getting my ass put in jail. I agree with each of yours, and have a few of my own to add to this very week in fact.
September 9, 2021 at 1:33 PM
Urspo
yes yes yes please include it either as an add-on or as a substitute
I am curious to see your slap-list.
September 9, 2021 at 2:29 PM
Gigi Rambles
Speed-bumpkins is my very favorite, newest word! Excellent list (I agree 100%) but I’m sorry the composition made your blood pressure rise.
September 9, 2021 at 3:17 PM
Urspo
Only if I let it.
Afterwards I got up walked about took in deep breath (or two) and all was well. 🙂
September 9, 2021 at 3:01 PM
Jennifer Barlow
I love this post so much! “Date rape Shirley Temple” nearly made me spit out the drink I was sipping when I read it. Hahaha. I agree completely on #2. People who complain but refuse to do anything about whatever they’re complaining about? Have you met my mother, by chance? That’s her up and down and it drives me NUTS. The masks-below-the-nose people always make me want to say, “Hey, genius. Did you know that your nose is connected to your respiratory system?” but I never do. I wish I had the nerve.
All of these are grand choices, but my favorite candidates for slapping silly are the people who try to use the bible to support their political inclinations. Those people NEED a good slapping.
Excellent post Dr. Spo!
September 9, 2021 at 3:18 PM
Urspo
I am glad you found it funny
I almost didn’t write the date-rape Shirley Temple as it was in poor taste, but poor taste seems apropos for a dry Manhattan with cherry juice in it. Oh the horror.
September 9, 2021 at 6:10 PM
Todd Gunther
Okay, you deserve a special prize for putting the words “date rape” and “Shirley Temple” in the same sentence. Somewhere our beloved Warrior Queen is smiling!
September 9, 2021 at 6:57 PM
Urspo
It isn’t a pretty marriage of words is it.
September 9, 2021 at 6:27 PM
Pipistrello
Oo, we have a new variety of dog owner in these parts who go part-way with the pooper-scooping by leaving the neatly tied plastic parcel on the footpath or grassy verge or in the shrubbery … when a handy public bin is a mere five-nanosecond walk away! Ticks two aggravating boxes of plastic litter and dog poo litter in one toss of the wrist.
I hope you’ve calmed down now with a cool flannel across your brow whilst lying on the sofa. Works for me!
September 9, 2021 at 6:57 PM
Urspo
when in doubt get horizontal.
September 9, 2021 at 10:06 PM
earnestlydebra
I wholly agree with the list. Someone should do something about this. I spoke to a woman in the produce section, and she made a hasty exit to another aisle, and eyed me wherever our paths crossed. I hate that. I never thought to slap her. My way is feeling sorry for myself on general principles. LOL I do take my cart back where it belongs – will think twice before buying an SUV.
September 10, 2021 at 7:21 AM
Urspo
I fear SUVs come with bits of glass shards from ‘The Snow Queen” story that cause the owners to become disagreeable. Better get an Elantra why dotcha.
September 10, 2021 at 8:02 AM
earnestlydebra
I’ve been thinking a truck with a camper – room for a mattress and boxes in the back. Then I wouldn’t need to use a cart. I could live at Walmart and carry the next meal home. 🙂
September 9, 2021 at 10:44 PM
Mary
Regarding the noisemakers and loudspeakers does that refer to the ones installed in cars that can be heard and felt a half a block away or people that gun their motors to be first at a stoplight and end up getting there when I do? I agree with the list, especially with the half used water bottles, terrible waste, when globally there’s such a need for clean drinking water.
September 10, 2021 at 7:22 AM
Urspo
There is a grim not nice satisfaction to have some Jehu drive up behind you, slow down, pull around you gunning in a huff – only to meet up with them at the red light. If I can I pull up next to them, and smile, using the one I’ve developed to use when I am being especially gracious to an inferior.
They usually bolt from the light even faster than before.
September 10, 2021 at 3:20 AM
Paul Brownsey
“Thems that quote The Bible to support whatever they are flogging.”
Take them by surprise. I discombobulated an American street evangelist in Glasgow (see, we need American missionaries in Scotland) by replying, when he offered to speak with me of the word of God, “No, thank you. I strive to have no truck with evil.”
September 10, 2021 at 7:24 AM
Urspo
That would discombobulate me too. Thank you for the tip.
I would think Glasgow has had enough of these types. I’ve read what happened there around Mary, Queen of Scots, time.