I was recently reminded of a psychology teacher I once had who had her clients* dealing with anger to create a journal she called ‘the grudge book’. In it, the client writes out all the people towards whom they have unforgivable never forgotten hurts, which at the mere memory they clench their teeth and hands. The client is encouraged not to hold back but get it all out in a cathartic spew. The therapy mostly resides in the writer realizing how petty and absurd most of their grudges are. For the remaining grudges, it was the first step towards working on letting go or least learning to move on. Best yet, there would be forgiveness. “Why people don’t heal?” she liked to say, “They hold onto their wounds like merit badges, unwilling to let them go” Apparently the acting of writing out the grudges was somewhat fun, but the afterwards process wasn’t something anyone really wanted to do. We all want the ones towards whom we hold grudges to suffer for their wrongs. The grudge book was her means to get folks to heal.
I don’t know how efficacious was this technique. I never wrote one myself. Perhaps I ought to, for I still hold grudges. They fall into the common category of ‘folks who got away with it” viz. they did bad things – sometimes very bad – and there was no comeuppance, no ‘karma’ or godhead to strike them down for their sins. There aren’t many, I suppose, but they pop up like an acidic burp from time to time to burn and sour my palate. It would be an interesting exercise to scribble out my grudges and see what happens. Hopefully I don’t turn into something monstrous.**
The Book of Faces has been inundating me with video advertisements for T-shirts. The ads have in common two men looking half my age, one chastising his bro-pal for looking so sorry in that routine T-shirt. The new tops (gals have support bras; guys has these shirts” he exclaims) show off the shoulders and enhance the upper arms and help hide that ‘dad bod’. Usually these ads end with the now properly bedecked man going off to the gym, looking happy that his peers won’t be judging him for what he has on.
When I go to the gym I wear the most dingy of outfits. I am there to work out, not walk down a runway. I can assure you not once have I ever worried that the T-shirt I am wearing makes me look fat or it doesn’t show off my deltoids. It is safe to say no man is looking at me while I work out, other than as something he doesn’t want to look like when he is ‘that old’. True, the more-serious weight lifters wear skimpy tank tops to show off their physique, but I’ve never felt the desire to approach them to say ‘I love your top, where did you get it? It looks so good on you!’
Perhaps if these unendliche ads on FB pay off with the youngsters I will soon be the only man at the gym in a regular fuddy-duddy shirt, getting looks of scorn and condemnation. If they do I can add them to ‘The Grudge Book’ as a separate chapter.
*Counselors have clients; physicians have patients.
**In C.S. Lewis’ ‘The Screwtape Letters’ senior devil while writing his nephew become increasingly wrathful to the point he transforms into a large centipede. Mr. Screwtape reflects this outer-transformation of his inner self is not a punishment from God but derives from ‘The Life force”, something Satan would worship if he didn’t worshipped anything other than himself.
38 comments
September 18, 2021 at 12:09 PM
Dwight W.
You seem to be spending a lot of time in the gym or in and out of gym attire lately . That must mean something. My late father an amiable alcoholic , kept a copy of the Screw tape Letters in our house, I don’t ever remember the urge to swipe that book like some of his other stuff. He and an Uncle of mine used to trade books back and forth. Once I got my hands on a copy of “Fanny Hill” by John Cleland, now that is a book. I don’t really feel the need for a cathartic spew and I don’t care what my Tee shirts do as long as they are dark Colors and 100% cotton. My grudges center around Covid, people who refuse to mask, people dying because they won’t vaccinate, People reinfecting vaccinated people. People controlling my quality of life or my mothers state of mind since several are immediate family members . May they either learn to vaccinate and mask or May they all rot in hell! Have a nice Afternoon 😊
September 18, 2021 at 12:43 PM
Urspo
I have preliminary bad news on my blood work, prompting me to be more regular at the gym.
September 18, 2021 at 1:03 PM
Dwight W.
I love/respect Pro-active people.
September 18, 2021 at 12:26 PM
Linda Practical Parsimony
I went to gym for six weeks until a surgery sidelined me. There was a guy there who spent most of his time looking at himself in a mirror and rearranging or adjusting his clothing. His tshirt had to be tucked just so and he continually monitored it and adjusted it. No one seemed interested except for me. lol. Really, I tried not to notice, but he always exercised in front of me. He was young, so obviously not interested in me, either. Are there people like this at the gym where you go? This guy was very obvious!
You have heard my grudges and they get worse! I don’t think it is holding a grudge when the action continues for decades/
September 18, 2021 at 12:44 PM
Urspo
In any gym there are a handful of folks (mostly men I think) spending a lot of time looking at themselves in the mirrors, probably thinking how good they look.
September 18, 2021 at 3:19 PM
Linda Practical Parsimony
I forgot to say that the same guy spent time looking and smoothing his hair. I wonder for whom he was preening.
September 18, 2021 at 12:32 PM
Lori Hawkins
Twice I have written a letter to someone spilling my heart out and getting all of my frustration and hurt out on the paper and then burned them. I think it worked as I honestly can’t think of anyone I hold a grudge against.
September 18, 2021 at 12:45 PM
Urspo
Good for you! Carolyn (the teacher) would say you done it good.
September 18, 2021 at 12:39 PM
Will Jay
Consider using the Llst of Grudges as a part of a forgiveness ritual. Tear out the pages of the ones that can be acknowledged as ridiculous and silly and burn those pages (hopefully in the bottom of the charcoal chimney so that one can have a nice grill at the end of one’s spiritual workout). Give oneself permission to keep the remaining pages for just a little while longer before burning those too. Once the book is consumed in flame, it is done! No do-overs. Repeat as necessary over a lifetime should new grudges emerge.
September 18, 2021 at 12:45 PM
Urspo
That sounds good to me: one grudge per page to remove them when done with.
September 18, 2021 at 12:54 PM
David Godfrey
My don’t I look pretty in the mirror days were fun, but are in the past tense, and that is okay. I am much happier with myself today. Grudges, I have a few. If I lived closer you could have fun listening to me rant, then advising me to sack it, ship and be over with it.
September 18, 2021 at 1:49 PM
Urspo
We can zoom and have a snort and bitch about ours.
September 18, 2021 at 1:13 PM
usstorageunit
Do you know you can hit the X and the top right corner of the ad and you won’t see it ever again? I do it all the time!
September 18, 2021 at 1:50 PM
Urspo
No, I did not as I worried even the slightest touch would like them know I am there. I will try this though. thank you.
September 19, 2021 at 5:27 AM
David Godfrey
On FB, in the top right hand corner are three … , click on those and ask to hide that add, it will ask why with a drop down, I often checks “knows too much” then block all from that advertiser. It seems to work. Jay has a software plug in that blocks nearly all advertising in FB.
September 18, 2021 at 1:31 PM
Gigi Rambles
Oh, your teacher (and you) would have had an absolute time of it with my family! Particularly, on my mother’s side. Those people can hold on to a grudge like no one’s business. In fact, two of my aunts haven’t talked to me for over 20 years…all because I refused to take sides. Ah well…they have to live with it. I don’t have the energy/time/bandwidth to deal with long held grudges these days.
September 18, 2021 at 1:51 PM
Urspo
Holding grudges is toxic. Simple as that. I would not be surprised to find there is medical support to the hypothesis holding a grudge does us physical damage.
September 18, 2021 at 4:20 PM
Old Lurker
The Book of Faces is so foolish. They collect enough data about you that they should know you hardly need a support T-shirt to enhance your physique; at best that would be gilding the lily.
Sorry to hear the presumptive news about your blood work. I hope that you keep the ill effects at bay through virtuous living.
September 18, 2021 at 4:26 PM
Urspo
Sometimes I feel like a sinking ship with no freight to throw overboard, but there is still room to improve to keep afloat.
September 18, 2021 at 5:10 PM
Will Jay
I use the same principle for The Good Doctor as I use for Confession at church: don’t go in empty handed! Have something to admit. While the drama of tearing up a box of stale cigarettes and vehemently stating “Never again!” in front of the doctor is dramatic, it can only be performed once (and if she has read my chart she will know that I have never smoked), but it looks good and may buy some time until next year and I’ll figure out whether or not she has read my chart.
September 18, 2021 at 5:22 PM
Pipistrello
Oh dear, that advertisement sounds positively hysterical! I did not know that men needed support for anything these days – unless they’re a ballet dancer in white tights, of course. So much pressure to conform and yet I wonder if anyone really buys into it?
On an unrelated matter, I overheard some male actors one day congratulating one of them whose TV ad had “premiered” on telly the night before, and they’d all supportively tuned in to watch this solemn and serious occasion. His rôle? The Dad in a KFC ad.
September 19, 2021 at 8:38 AM
Urspo
I find it fascinating how the ‘you have a problem/you should do something about that’ approach to women in ads is slowly being introduced to the men-folk, to convey a similar message without emasculating them. Curious.
September 18, 2021 at 6:16 PM
Pat
Dingy clothes and you are hard to imagine. Your custom shirts are awash with color and bold patterns. Me thinks it’s a ploy. Like some pool hall hustler you lull thems in their enhanced T-shirts to think you are just a man of a certain age dressed in.non-descript gear only to reveal your chiseled physique in the locker room.
September 19, 2021 at 8:39 AM
Urspo
My shirts on line are a sort of ‘Potemkin village’. I certainly don’t wear them to the gym. What I wear to the gym often looks like I’ve just come from working in the yard.
September 18, 2021 at 6:38 PM
Debra She Who Seeks
I don’t tend to hold grudges. I’m pretty good at just thinking “fuck you” and moving on. However, I had the quiet but immense satisfaction this month of learning that a hated abuser had died. I’ve been scanning the obits for years waiting for this happy event. If I lived closer to where he is buried, I would go dance on his grave. And by dance, I mean spit. I still have a smile on my face.
September 19, 2021 at 8:19 AM
Old Lurker
Time for a road trip?
September 18, 2021 at 8:02 PM
Robzilla
I don’t have a book of grudges. I simply keep a list of people in my head that I do not want to ever interact with again. No guilt, and avoids any unnecessary drama.
I’m also very glad to be at my current age. I no longer care about having a dad bod, whatever that is.
September 19, 2021 at 8:31 AM
Urspo
I think there is a difference between having a grudge and no further interactions; there is a positivity to the latter.
September 19, 2021 at 1:57 AM
Parnassus
I find that grudges tend to fade over time, unless they were personally directed against me, which wasn’t too often, and I try not to dwell on them. While I am aware of potential psychological harm from holding grudges, I also think they have a positive value in warning you to stay away from those kinds of people.
–Jim
September 19, 2021 at 8:33 AM
Urspo
Yes there is a positive side of grudge they act as a warning don’t touch. Hopefully you can hold onto the lesson without the emotions.
September 19, 2021 at 5:20 AM
spwilcen
Well done, and insanely insightful.
September 19, 2021 at 8:33 AM
Urspo
Thank you.
People pay me big bucks for saying these simple truisms.
September 19, 2021 at 6:31 AM
Tony D
After many many years I have settled upon a successful approach to dealing with grudges I have towards thems who have “gotten away with it”. I simply remind myself that they have to wake up in their own lives every single morning for the rest of their lives.
That does it. No need for me to cause them further suffering.
September 19, 2021 at 8:35 AM
Urspo
That is a good approach indeed. You often/always have a simple succinct approach to things I like.
September 19, 2021 at 3:02 PM
Tony D
Don’t give me too much credit–I usually get to the simple and succinct after going through all the difficult approaches!
September 19, 2021 at 7:01 AM
wickedhamster
Love the take on t-shirts. Such ads are one reason why I installed an ad filter. Man-bras indeed! I only indulge in a belief in the afterlife when I imagine my grudges roasting on a spit in hell. That never fails to bring a smile to my face. 😊 Once you are no longer debilitated by your grudges, they are fun to entertain, esp. if one’s imagination tends to the baroque.
September 19, 2021 at 8:36 AM
Urspo
I would have thought your imagination was more Attic than Baroque.
I think certain men-types could use the equivalent of a bra.
I for one would wear a man-girdle if that were available.
September 20, 2021 at 5:18 AM
wickedhamster
They’re called Spanx.