Note: this little scribbling was written after I set up today’s work agenda. It resembles the labors of Hercules, with with co-pays attached. Spo
Nearly every morning at work I open the day’s schedule I wonder how on earth am I going to manage everything. The roster, full of folks many of them ‘difficult’, evokes the anxious anticipation ‘what to do?” You would think after nearly thirty years of doing this I’d be over this sort of nonsense. My batting average for getting through the workday after three decades is 1.000. Every dreaded appointment regardless of the situation: a sticky issue; an angry/upset patient; a pending confrontation on shenanigans, never turns out the way I fear it will go.* Patients often come in with unexpected plot twists, not at all what was written in the script, thus shattering again the scenarios in my skull.
I suppose this is the closest thing I have to an ‘imposter syndrome’ as the media likes to call one’s basic fears of inadequacy. After three decades of shrinking heads – and having a good reputation for taking on the toughest cases – I still have a sense I am not up to snuff. It feels like a small stone in my sneakers as I walk about, not enough to cause pain or disability, but enough to let me know it is there. So I remind myself:
I am OK enough at my job.
I get through every day.
I cannot do everything for everybody.
I do more than I realize.
There is lots of positive feedback I am good at what I do.
So, I take a deep breath, and take things one at a time. The obstacle is the way. I do what I can, and this is often quite enough and more so.
Tune in tonight. I will be tired and perhaps a bit drained, but I will be here and probably have already forgotten exactly what happened.
*This is the heart of cognitive behavioral therapy by the way. One looks at one’s anxious fears, considers the worst-case scenarios, and then the more-likely-case scenarios, and apply such to future similar events to act differently.
36 comments
September 20, 2021 at 9:26 AM
jefferyrn
I hate Mondays. Today I am off so it’s not so bad.
September 20, 2021 at 10:45 AM
Urspo
Surprisingly I do not dislike Mondays. I’ve learned to see them as a gift of another week alive, healthy, employed and I got another one, warts and all.
September 20, 2021 at 9:28 AM
David Godfrey
You are good, you will make it, you do make a difference. Sometimes our worries keep us from making mistakes.
September 20, 2021 at 10:46 AM
Urspo
Despite this pebble in the shoe I never lose sight of these three truisms.
This little pebble indeed has a plus it keeps me on my figurative toes to be mindful and attentive.
September 20, 2021 at 10:49 AM
Debra She Who Seeks
“Prepare for the worst; hope for the best.” I didn’t know this is the basis for cognitive behavioural therapy!
September 20, 2021 at 11:09 AM
Urspo
It is a good approach indeed.
September 20, 2021 at 10:50 AM
Robzilla
Believe it or not, I now miss hating Mondays. Then again, hating Mondays is a sign that you’re not happy with the status quo so maybe I’ll keep quiet about that.
I bet you’re a lot better at this day job than you realize, and it’s only human to doubt oneself even when things seem to be going well.
September 20, 2021 at 11:14 AM
Urspo
Truth be told every year I feel better at what I do/how I work compared to previous. The pebble remains of course.
September 20, 2021 at 10:54 AM
Parnassus
A cause of this type of anxiety for many is that in today’s world, how well you do your job often has little connection with how well you get along or how you are rewarded. So many people are hampered by micro-management, or other types of manipulation that take the focus off your central tasks and make you somehow “blameable” or guilty.
–Jim
September 20, 2021 at 11:16 AM
Urspo
My specialty is not one to get positive feedback per se. I seldom get a thank you. I rest on the knowledge I am doing more good than I see/realize.
September 20, 2021 at 11:22 AM
Dwight W.
One of my days is just about like the Other. It is hard to comment on some ones current situation, when most of my comments would be war stories from the past. One truism , I have found is the merely pure definition of anxiety is , how badly we build up what we had to do for a given day. Only to find that living it was three times easier than imagining living it. My Mondays were intensely unpleasant , until I took off Mondays permanently, and then Tuesdays became my Mondays.
September 20, 2021 at 11:58 AM
Urspo
Wednesdays are more ‘peak’ days for at-work matters. My Wonder Woman bracelets are a-flying then.
September 20, 2021 at 12:21 PM
Dwight W.
Before I die please let me see you wearing only Derek Rose , your helmet ,and WW bracelets. I will pay whatever you ask.
September 20, 2021 at 12:24 PM
Urspo
I wish I knew how to insert a photo into these things.
September 20, 2021 at 11:39 AM
Debbie W.
How nice that, in spite of the figurative pebble in your shoe (or maybe because of it?), you feel that you get better at your job with each passing year. After 3 decades, most cannot say the same!
September 20, 2021 at 11:59 AM
Urspo
Beware of thems who feel totally competent and ‘always know what they are doing”.
September 20, 2021 at 11:41 AM
Lori Hawkins
I have no doubt that you are very good at what you do and that you will never know just how much you have helped some of your patients.
September 20, 2021 at 11:59 AM
Urspo
Many teachers have told me I will see only the tip of the proverbial iceberg of my industry. Knowing it is there is enough.
September 20, 2021 at 1:03 PM
Old Lurker
But Dr Spo, maybe that one time your anxieties actually come true will make the entire 30 years of worry worth it?? Furthermore if you relax and don’t worry then maybe that will prompt bad things to happen?
September 20, 2021 at 1:44 PM
Urspo
No, it would not be worth it.
September 20, 2021 at 2:51 PM
Old Lurker
Tell that to my anxiety-brain.
September 20, 2021 at 1:04 PM
Old Lurker
But Dr Spo, maybe that one time your anxieties actually come true will make the entire 30 years of worry worth it?? Furthermore if you relax and don’t worry then maybe that will prompt bad things to happen?
(Did WordPress eat my comment again?? I am not appreciating their editorialism.)
September 20, 2021 at 1:05 PM
Old Lurker
Oh, look. This time it didn’t eat my comment, so that I look foolish in front of everybody. Thanks, WordPress! I always appreciate being the subject of people’s contemptuous judgment.
September 20, 2021 at 1:45 PM
Urspo
I very much doubt anyone thinks you look foolish for this.
September 21, 2021 at 11:23 PM
Richard Portman
Don’t worry about it. You are not a subject of contemptuous judgment. We are doing this together. Did you know, that i admire the way you speak?
September 20, 2021 at 5:47 PM
glen
If your teaching blogs are any indication of your skills, you are AMAZING! I am glad that even though you have trepidation, in the end you know you are doing well and helping others. The patients are much better off having you for their caregiver. Now how about a companion goat to make the sessions more exciting?
September 20, 2021 at 7:48 PM
Urspo
yes yes yes
I have always longed for a goat with a yellow beard named George.
September 20, 2021 at 6:40 PM
Linda Practical Parsimony
I didn’t know it then and only learned the concept later, but as a small child I had imposter syndrome. What is they figure out I am not smart, that I can just figure out the answers. What if I fail a grade and am humiliated by being held back in the grade with my brother who is not as smart as I am? What if the teacher figures out I cheat by raising my hand and bouncing in my seat until all the stupid kids get the answer wrong and she calls on me because I let everyone else answer first so I could narrow down the answer?
Really, half the time I did not know the answer, but I tried so hard to get her to call on me. She never would because I always got the answer right. Is that a smart kid or what? Really, I thought I was cheating.
September 20, 2021 at 7:49 PM
Urspo
Happily fake it til you make it works and sometimes it ‘sinks in’ you are more than just going through acting but now it is integral.
September 21, 2021 at 6:24 AM
spwilcen
Patient? Client? I am trying to pay attention…
September 21, 2021 at 7:18 AM
Urspo
What we call things has always been very important to identity and thems in power. Ask a Southerner about ‘the battle of bull run’ and see what happens, or “The Armenian massacre”. Even who can/cannot use a word/phrase.
Physicians have always seen patients, derived from passio, which means to suffer. MDs balk at being labelled as ‘providers’ to imply a sort of passive agent of a healthcare corporation.
September 21, 2021 at 12:21 PM
Lori Hawkins
I don’t like the term ‘provider’. It started floating around once corporate took over our hospital. I feel like physicians or doctors is the title they worked so very hard to earn and people should use it.
September 21, 2021 at 11:30 PM
Richard Portman
I can’t comment on the Armenian Massacre because it is still happening. I look at Syria and see no difference.
September 21, 2021 at 9:43 AM
spwilcen
Then according to “Grudges and T-shirts,” Urspo is a physician? *Counselors have clients; physicians have patients.” My mistook.
September 21, 2021 at 8:44 PM
Urspo
Yes, I be an MD.
September 22, 2021 at 5:57 AM
spwilcen
!! with a razor-sharp wit. And keen insight.