Spo-reflections on unusual Viking rituals

Note: this is a bit of nonsense. Thems looking for serious stuff should return on Thorsday. Spo

The Tube of Yous regularly sends me recommendations I might find interesting to keep me glued to the screen in order to see Liberty Insurance commercials. Last night there was a video suggestion titled “Unusual Viking rituals that will surprise you”. I immediately wondered what are the usual rituals and what are the unusual rituals of no surprise. I didn’t watch the video, but emailed my bosses The Board of Directors Here at Spo-reflections on this relevant topic.* They told me to come back later as they are busy preparing Heorot Johnsons II for Yule.

Yule is a big holiday for Vikings, or was, until it was sugar-coated by Christianity and Sears & Roebuck. Many of our modern Christmas traditions arise from Yule such as decking the halls with evergreen boughs, yule logs, and mistletoe. One Viking Yuletide pasttime that hasn’t survived is human sacrifice. Apparently Viking lords would do in a few folks at Upsala every year about now to welcome back the sun. The closest we have nowadays is Black Friday sales. It doesn’t feel the same.

Another Board/Viking ritual is to consult The Fates (or someone like them) prior to doing anything. This is frustrating as a simple yes/no often suffices and doesn’t require poking about for divine input. They used to slaughter animals and have a look-see at the innards, looking for signs, even just to answer should I post something funny or serious. Last year during the pandemic I persuaded them to forgo such in lieu of using a black magical orb I got from the Norns. Now the Board members shake it prior to asking a question and turn it upside down to see a ghost-like rune float to the surface, saying one of twenty responses, usually “Cannot predict now”. It has about as much efficacy as horse livers and less messy.

Every new moon all proper Vikings wash their hair, whether it is needed or not. They use a strong soap to dye their hair as blonde as possible. This peroxide-like ritual fills the hall with a nauseating reek, but admittedly it doesn’t smell as bad as eight unwashed Viking scalps. The end results are good. Besides looking like Chris Hemsworth, this lye-dye job also kills head lice.

What the Board members don’t do which some Vikings did is paint their teeth. Many skulls from those parts reveal curious grooves across the incisors. These were thought to be artistic endeavors or signs of caustic toothpaste but are now hypothesized to hold paint. Nowadays the Board when they want to paint their gnashers they use magic-markers taken from the whiteboard in the conference room, on the practical grounds they can’t write so why waste such.

Whether any of these are usual or unusual is anyone’s guess; The Board of Directors Here at Spo-reflections is keeping mum on the topic. They tend to kill fellow Vikings prior to the opportunity to compare rituals and recipes.

One more Viking ritual of interest: whenever they go a-viking they don their helmets:

I would tell you more but the Norn-ball says “Don’t count on it”. Stirges.

*Mind! The Board of Directors Here at Spo-reflections are Vikings but they may not represent all or typical Vikings. Thems we lump into the common category “Viking” were a diverse bunch arising from many lands, while The Board members are mythical conglomerates of archetypes and my imagination. So take all this with a big grain of salt.