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Note: this one was written when I was in a very dark mood. My inner-Mrs. Danvers was being quite vocal. Not to be worrying; I am writing to purge and not state truisms. All the same, thems looking for a happy witty entry should come back later. Spo

Whenever I cannot think upon something to write, I go to the ‘posts’ setting to look at the half-written essays I have started but either became bored with or couldn’t find a direction how to finish. Sunday night, when I was looking for something to write, I pulled up 4-5 essays, which were not so half-written as half-baked. “How dull” I thought, reading each them. So I flushed them to pull up a fresh page and start with scratch.

As Blobby sometimes says: “I got nothing” .

Actually I have a lot on my mind but I am choosing not to write about it. I apologize that is cryptic and teasing, but whenever I get into state of despair, my mode of operation is to withdraw into a hole and close the door and lock myself inside. This is somewhat to save myself from the toxicity and cruelty that is my fellow man, and partially to spare others from my vitriol and wormwood. Don’t look directly me or you will turn to salt.

In my life I’ve had more armageddons than teeth; I recognize one when it happens to me. The fact I’ve managed to survive all of them is small comfort as these latest ones seem headed towards no recovery. Funny how thirty years old was I frightened of dying, and now that I am nearly sixty I feel there is little point to going on further. It seems futile. Why keep up my health and putting away towards retirement when you feel there is no future? What do you do when you struggle every day to survive, only to discover you have but what you are living in is awful?

This is a depressing entry. Normally this sort of bilge stays below deck or is written down in my paper journal and not displayed in public for all the world to read and become down in response.

Whenever I feel anxious and bitter, there is a part of me (call it my inner child) that wants some strong parent-like figure to take me in their arms and assure me everything will be OK. Things are not OK and no one is going to do this. Winston Churchill, who was no stranger to depression, said something along the line ;when you wake up and realize you are in hell you keep walking until you are no longer so’. What is take from this is keep going through the motions of living. It isn’t any comfort but it is the right thing to do.

I debated a few times whether or not to press the publish button on this bad boy. Sometimes it is better to write but not publish. The Norns who displayed this one say publish and be damned. So I did.

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June 2022

Spo-Reflections 2006-2018