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Patience above! Urs Truly has been challenged to a duel.

I was on The Book of Faces the other day when a Spo-fan (who is well over four feet) sent me a video on the so-called fine whiskies of his state. I commented there is no such thing. He took umbrage and challenged me to a duel. Strange! So far as I recall he doesn’t drink the stuff, real or imaginary. I tried to tell him nobody worries about those sort of things anymore it’s all done slanderous postings on Instagram but he is hell-bent on having one. I happen to know of a top-notch attorney in said state to represent me, but it turns out there is a conflict of interest my lawyer is married to the rapscallion (worse luck!). It looks like a lawsuit is out of the question and the duel is on.

It just so happens last week I heard a podcast on the anniversary of the misters Burr and Hamilton who fought in one*, so I have some idea of how to have a proper one, no rubbish. Pistols are usually involved but since we are both tree-hugging liberal-types there are no guns to be had, so we shall fight to the death with swords.** While this sounds jolly good fun I fear someone’s feelings will get hurt either way. I read there are ‘seconds’ involved although it’s sort of vague what their roles are. I hope to bring lunches from Zingermans.

The date of the duel is yet to be determined which gives me time to practice. The Board of Directors here at Spo-reflections doesn’t have experience with guns and things but they are very good at fighting so I hope to get a few tips in time for the thrashing. Perhaps I can persuade my challenger (the villain!) to consider hand-to-hand combat or better yet Trivia Pursuit using Broadway shows.

This all means of course I have to arrange with my attorney and assailant a time I can fly out to meet them in some nearby secluded woods for the shooting/sword fight/saber show and our seconds can make reservations at some nearby restaurant/pub for afters to toast the deceased with that non-existent whisky that started the whole debacle. Oh the horror.

*It ends badly.

**Last time I looked he is proposing sabers, not swords. I didn’t know he was a Star Wars fan.

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September 2022

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