Spo-reflections on saying you’re sorry

It’s become fashionable to never apologize or admit error. ‘Never apologize’ is seen as a virtue or strength, and to say I’m sorry I made a mistake is a sign of weakness.* This is the opposite of how I was raised. Father taught the ability to admit error and take responsibility was a manly virtue; Mother said saying you are sorry was the foundation for polite society. I hope someday this is again so.

It is a common fear among doctors saying you are sorry is dangerous and you should never say the “S” word. They believe if they do it is an admittance of error and the patient will pounce and sue them. My experience is the opposite: saying I am sorry that something bad happened or admitting I bungled is met with relief and satisfaction – especially if the apology is given with an explanation and what I am going to do about it. I think my saying sorry has actually saved me from legal matters.**

Another problem with modern apologies is when they happen at all they are often backhanded slaps, along the line: “I am sorry you took it wrong” viz. the fault is with the offended one for not taking it right. That ain’t good.

A proper apology has a three necessary elements:

1] it has to be sincere.

2] it is about the apologizer not the one who is receiving it.

3] there is a plan to do something about it. The apologizer will try to mend his or her ways and/or try to fix the damage.

Here is my stencil apology I use:

Perhaps as I approach the hurt one he or she tells me to they hate me or tells me to go away. I start with if that is what you wish I will go away, but first I have to say I’m sorry. I then state what I did wrong: I lied to you; I broke your trust; I forgot to do something; I made a mistake. I state I recognize this. Sometimes I add if you (the hurt one) or anyone else did the same to me I would not want to forgive you, so I do not ask for forgiveness, but I will ask, if you are amenable, that we resume our journey together. If something cannot be undone, is there some I can do to help heal the wounds?

Sometimes I add as a gentleman who strives for honor was I did was not honorable, but I am man enough to know it and try for better.

My experience is nearly always the person accepts the apology and we try again. Sometimes the recipient will go with the I hate you/f-ck off, and that’s OK. I did what I needed to do: fess up and try to amend things. I don’t ever remember I time when I was scorned for my attempt. Happily I am not around dark-triad types much who would get off on my so-called groveling.***

Have you had to apologize lately to someone about anything? Would you share how you handled it?

*This terrible approach is instigated or at least enhanced by The Felon. He has never apologized about anything, can this be true? Can anyone think of time when he said he was sorry or made a mistake? I can recall many times when it was he who demanded an apology though.

**The truth about malpractice suits: most of them arise when the patient is pissed off, hurt, and angry because the doctor isn’t communicative or owning up or doing something about it. The number one thing docs can do about avoiding malpractice isn’t covering their butts in more paperwork but by not being jerks.

***The ‘dark triad’ is a mixture of narcissism, Machiavellian thinking, and sociopathy. Narcissism is all about the person/never about others. Machiavellian means I will do anything to get what I want, including hurt you. Sociopathy means not caring about the feelings of others, or the laws of the land viz. ‘whatever it takes”. These types would never apologize as they don’t see themselves ever making an error, let alone caring what others feel. Any dark triad types in your life?