Spo-reflections on being there for others

Note: I am recovering from the flu. I think it is over but I am as wiped out as an orange given too many trips their the presser. I dusted off one of my ‘back-up’entries. Spo

Every morning when I come to work I look through the roster to see the names of who’s scheduled. There were the usual names and no new patients; it was a a day of ‘med-checks’. There was one name that made me pause. It was the name of someone I haven’t seen in years. Didn’t he move away? Yes, I checked my last note. In it he stated he was moving overseas and the chart was closed. I was intrigued to find out why he was back in The States. The patient came in very upset. The move was not expected nor was it wanted. An unforeseen health tragedy happened forcing him and his spouse to move back for health matters. We discussed what needed to be done and how I could help him and some provisional plans and meds were started. By the end of the appointment he stated he was already feeling a lot better, knowing I was here, waiting for him as it were.

Step into The Way-back Machine and travel with me to Chicago circa.1990 when I was a novice shrink going to supervision. I remember telling Dr. Miller my frustration with my patients who were not getting better and I wasn’t doing anything for them. She told me I was doing something important: I was staying with them through all their ups and downs. I will often hear a patient say ‘you saved my life mister” while I say to myself ‘you haven’t changed an iota; what was it I did that was so helpful? Answer: I stayed with them.

I’ve had the same job for nearly twenty years. This means I have seen some patients for that long. Many don’t seem that much better but they nearly all report satisfaction with me.* This is why we should never close charts; people can wander the world but feel some connection they can return on a mere pull of the thread.**

In many Mythos The Steadfast Other is usually a female waiting for her male Beloved to return to become One again. Penelope from the Odyssey comes to mind as does Solveig in ‘Peer Gynt’. Off the top of my head I can’t think of an example of the female element wandering the world while her man waits at home. If you can think of one, I would be keen to know it.

This axiom isn’t very exciting but it is important. Being there for another is probably the most important thing one can do for another. Some people, like teenagers or thems with personality disorder will try to test this viz. despite their shenanigans will you still be there for them? Anyone who has ever had an adolescent remembers how they berated you for not giving them slack in their teens but in their 20s thanked you for not succumbing to their B.S.

All things come to an end if you wait long enough. I am already getting anxious inquiries when I am going to retire. Someday this may happen – or I too will have an unforeseen medical tragedy like my patient. It is hoped that when the Teacher passes the Pupil will have grown enough to become his or her own Teacher, with the past one incorporated into their Psyche, reading to be there for others in the next generation.

*There are a handful who tell me they are no better but the keep coming in anyway. I’ve learned I don’t try to improve them; this is not what they really want.

**The record time between appointments is eleven years, can you imagine? Interesting that they were more or less the same as when I last saw them, just eleven years older.