Spo-reflections on living with someone who has depression

Over the years several Spo-fans (well over four feet) have asked me to write on this topic. It is a large one to tackle in a short essay and there are no simple pat answers. I will do what I can. Spo.

One of the hardships of living with someone with chronic depression is the bewilderment ‘A’ has to see “B” feeling so. Maybe everything is fine on paper and there is nothing really to be depressed about. Yet, “B” is in a funk, often apathetic, irritable, and tearful regardless. “A” wants to help of course as no one wants to see their loved one suffering. One of the hardest things in my job is having A before me telling me about the B in their life and they feel helpless and powerless to help.

The worst A can do is telling B to try to think positive and go do something. Anyone who has depression can tell you if it were that easy they would have done it long ago. It’s a bit like telling someone with high blood pressure if you just try to relax perhaps your hypertension would go away:

Just about any chronic illness will have periodic out-of-the-blue no good reason why it is happening flares, whether depression, migraines, irritable bowel, chronic pain. B will have good days and bad days, often without rhyme or reason. Coaxing and encouragement are often to no avail during these times; both parties feel bad. Sometimes when episodes occur there can be a treatment plan, made ahead of time, about what A and B will do and not do so when those days happen both parties are prepared and man their stations. Later when B is better, A and B can sit down to discuss what did and didn’t help, and what to try/do next time depression happens again. This approach is a good one because both parties have agreed ahead of time what to do/not do. Of course there can be ructions. I use the word ‘regardless’ a lot. Regardless says you have heard B’s view and no arguing is needed yet what we will do will still happen. Regardless your desire to stay in bed, you will get up and go for our daily walk as planned.

There will be times when A cannot do anything really. “Do’ is a loaded word though. A often doesn’t have to or should do anything. Perhaps all A needs or can do is just be there, letting B know they care and they wish they could do something. A should carry on life however. Neither A nor B should allow the depression to run the show or call the shots. It would be bad if A wasn’t allowed his or herself joy lest iB’s depression be offended.

These thoughts are based on B having enough courage, insight, and wherewithall despite the depression. But what happens if B going to hell in a hand basket and B is refusing all help? They won’t see a counselor; they won’t take meds; they won’t do what might help (going through the motions of living) and what they are doing is disastrous. What can A do really? Alas, precious little. Arguing with B or trying to get B to see reason doesn’t work much. What helps sometimes is what counselors call ‘going with the affect’. If B voices anger or sorrow or frustration, A can reflect on that. This can be the foot in the door to get help with what B feels is bad.

Then there is the solution of A leaving B. Sometimes when B refuses care and is dragging A down with them, A has to get out. That’s a tough one. It feels awful to say alas I cannot save you but I cannot let your depression and decisions drag me down too. Sometimes it is necessary, painful as it is.

There is no good easy safe answers.

If you are living with or dealing with a loved one with depression; what has helped with your situation? Please tell so that others may learn.

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