My letter to Santa

Each December I write a letter to the jolly old elf at The North Pole. This is done mostly out of habit than results. St. Nick hasn’t been down my chimney in ages, worse luck. Maybe oone of these letters might evoke a surprise visit. No harm trying. Spo.

Dear Santa,

Once again I take mouse in hand to write to you. I hope your year has been a pleasant one. My year has been sad, what with the loss of my father, godfather, friend, and my dog. I am not writing this to evoke pity, it just to let you know my Christmas spirit isn’t so good this year and I hope you will help. Here is a hypothetical list of Christmas prizes you might provide. I give the same list to Someone but I will risk the situation of receiving two of the thing. Unlike yours, I can return his gifts to Amazon. By the way, are you feeling anxious and threatened by Mr. Bezos? He sort of acts like a Santa Claus viz. you ask him for things and he gets his elves to provide them. Unlike yourself, he puts out all year round and I don’t have wait for Christmas. But this is not a critique! You are my main merry man and will stay so ho ho ho.

I am always glad to receive imperial tidbits such as fancy olive oils and delectable nibbles and proper this that or the other. You could stuff my stocking with all sorts of tinned goodies and rare jars of foodstuffs. I try to avoid curried snacks and please don’t feed me buns and things thank you.

Spo-fans seem happy with their air-fryers; is it possible to get one? I remember Father suggested one Christmas Eve putting out beer and pretzels instead of the usual milk and cookies on the grounds you are a grown up and you would appreciate the change. It seemed to work as you gave us a really cool electronic popcorn machine, remember? If you bring an air-fryer I will leave out a really good bourbon no rubbish type. Just say the word; it will keep you warm and toasty as you fly about this Christmas Eve.

Upon your arrival I hope you won’t take offense of the Tomtes on the shelf, or of the Yule lads hanging from the kitchen chandelier. Not to be worrying! They are supplements, not substitutes, for your benevolence. You are much nicer than those guys who can be quite ugly if they don’t get things. Oh the horror. Worse you do is a lump of coal and with heating costs this isn’t too bad a consolation prize.

There is no need to bring my clothes thank you very much. Someone already took care of that, lest we are carried off by the Yule Cat.

What I really want for Christmas is new car, but I suppose that is asking too much. Rather, a new bread machine would be lovely. Mine is quite old and no longer doing a good job. Come to think of it, the crockpot from the 70s is on its last legs too. A new one and not avocado green either there’s a good fellow.

I hope your flight is a good one and I look forward on Christmas morning to see evidence you visited. Even if you don’t provide any prizes you are welcome to take the bottle. I have heaps.