Spo-reflections on No Harm Asking

In my life I’ve been asked what was the worst thing about growing up gay: was it the bullying? the ostracism? the discrimination? team sports in gym class? They had their hurts to be sure, but the worst thing was a subtle ingrained mostly not conscious belief I am not allowed to do/have/be things. As I was light in the loafers and not a real boy/man, I didn’t deserve things. Don’t bother asking or trying. I knew I was clever enough, and I got good grades, but I didn’t have the sense I had what it takes to succeed in life.

Happily over time I smelled a rat and got over this monstrous con job. However there still is a part of me dubious to ask for things, whether another glass of iced tea in a restaurant or something major like request for help at work. I’ve learned a lesson by adopting an approach I call ‘no harm asking’ and its action counterpart: ‘no harm trying’. It can be difficult to ask for things on the anxiety one will be told no or ridiculed for even trying. In cognitive behavioral therapy, you look at the worse-case scenario and how likely this is to happen (not much) and even if the worse case-scenario happens, how bad it is really? I started overcoming my inner you don’t deserve this to try i.e. no harm asking.

It turns out asking for something nearly gets a positive response of yes, of course. I’ve learned when people are given a direct request they are anxious not to say no, even when they want to. They waffle and hesitate as they dance around a ‘no’ answer, but they are never nasty about it. I cannot remember the last time anyone was awful in their response to me asking or trying something.

The ‘no harm trying’ approach sometimes gets negative or disappointing results. After all, I am usually trying or doing something new and unknown. Even when it doesn’t work out I’ve learned something; if I decide to try again I will do better.

‘No harm asking’ and ‘no harm trying’ are almost magical; it is amazing what I get for doing this.

Almost as integral as the internalized undeserving belief is Midwestern Manners. Thems from the Midwest feel a direct blunt request is going to be deemed as rude, self-centered; you might be mistaken for someone from ‘back east’.* The solution is to smile, ask nicely, and not be a jerk about it viz. ‘someone from out east’. ho ho ho. This nearly always works well.

‘No harm trying’ and ‘no harm asking’ is not too efficacious in social situations like Palm Springs where thems who are better built/better looking/better dressed than Urs Truly are more likely to say ‘no thank you’ but not in those words. Rejection stings, when you present yourself as the ‘request’. When it happens I shrug my shoulders and say to myself ‘no harm asking’ and ‘no harm trying’ and go find people of quality rather.

When I think back on all the missed opportunities I try not to better or dwell on all the what-ifs.

And I make up for lost time.

Give ‘no harm asking’ and ‘no harm trying’ a try why dontcha.

Do you have troubles asking for things?

*Oh the horror.