This evening I didn’t go to the symphony. Work has been very busy; I am overrun with paperwork and telephone calls. I am two or three days behind. I also need to write a letter in response to a patient who registered a complaint against me. (The patient wrote I am rude to her every time she met with me. I have seen her nearly thirty times. It makes me wonder: if this is so, why the heck has she bothered to stay? Whatever, I need to respond to this by tomorrow. Which gets me back to the canceled symphony. I wouldn’t have enjoyed it, knowing I had to work afterwards into the wee hours of the night. So, I came home.
Someone is in Chicago. Harper is overnight at the kennel, arranged to allow me to go to the symphony. So I came home to a house dark, quiet, and empty. This is the first time I can remember coming home to nobody. It is a bit spooky, but mostly it is a relief, for I am in a despondent mood this evening.
Ever since I was a little boy whenever the world grew too scary or sad, or I felt inadequate, I would retreat from it. I would find a literal hiding space and withdraw into the inmost compartment of my mind. It was a sort of mental fortress where I would go when I could not bear to be a part of what was going on. In it I was safe from without. Sometimes it was the only place I felt free of the horrors and disappointments of the world. No one has ever entered it.
I am growing more pessimistic about the world. I was born into a world of people, and now it has become a kennel of mad dogs. I needn’t look any further than the politics and problems of the nation. The Yahoos are winning. The things I hold dear – maturity, manners, reason, and kindness to others – all seem to be dwindling.
Alas, I’ve lost my way into that mental fortress. I have the key, but the door leading inward is lost. I can’t get out of the world anymore. And I don’t seem to have the fortitude to deal with it all.
There is work to be done. I need to return calls, write notes, and compose that letter. I need to get some sleep. This too shall pass. Harper comes home tomorrow, and Someone next Monday. It won’t seem so bad then.
Spo-Reflections 
31 comments
September 15, 2011 at 7:11 PM
Buddy Bear
I hope that sharing your sadness with your blogger friends brought some measure of comfort. Remember that these feelings will make Someone’s return that much more special.
As to the concern that your country is ever-increasingly made up of mad dogs and yahoos…. just find a kinder, gentler, more tolerant country to emigrate to. You know where that is!
September 15, 2011 at 7:29 PM
Cameron
Spo, you are hereby ABSOLVED from attending the Symphony’s performance of Beethoven’s Ninth this evening. I just waved fairy dust at you!
This particular music, momentous & wonderful as it is, is definitely NOT the kind of aural fare conducive to what our dear Brit friend Caroline would call a “Pink and Fluffy” state of mind! So you are excused. 🙂
I also relate strongly to two aspects of your current situation:
1.) Being without your partner…
Although I enjoy alone-time on occasion, I would feel bereft without the nurturing ministrations of my husband James for more than a few hours. I can sense the void created by Someone’s absence for you. He’ll be back soon!
2.) Your negative feelings about the state of the world in general…
Whenever I feel this way, I remind myself of the many blessings in my life. This gets me into a better space more often than not.
Each of us has the choice of how we manage our emotions. It is completely understandable that you feel sad. Having said that — in the immortal words of Bob Newhardt as therapist: “Just STOP it!”
😉
We can’t do anything about the state of the world, the lack of grace, etc. However, we CAN do something about our own state of mind.
Best wishes for a brighter tomorrow!
September 15, 2011 at 7:30 PM
Brent
I will light a candle for you in this dark night.
September 15, 2011 at 7:40 PM
anne marie in philly
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
September 15, 2011 at 7:45 PM
Sluggy
Now how can you possibly be despondent when you see all those wonderful cheerful Hawaiian shirt fabrics in your blog header?
Just stare at that for awhile…. 😉
September 15, 2011 at 7:46 PM
Aunt Barb
Oh Michael, I wish I could take away the dismal stage of life you are in, and take you back to that little boy who came to Jackson for a couple of over-nights and could be cuddled by his beloved Aunt.. She sends you those same cuddles
September 15, 2011 at 8:11 PM
Sky Clad Therapy
Dear friend. I hear you and and I empathize with you. The world is going to hell in a handbasket and faster than even I could have believed possible. But for all of that, there are good people to associate with, good choices to make as individuals. There can’t light and goodness without their counterparts, evil and darkness. C’est la vie. Just know that you are unique and that you are not alone though the house is empty. There are those of us here who willingly share the dark and empty spaces with you as brothers and sisters.
September 15, 2011 at 8:39 PM
Jay
It is getting to the point where I am unsubscribing from some of the blogs on my reader because reading them is so depressing. I never feel that way when I read your blog.
I have even (mostly) stopped going to movies as there aren’t any which appeal to me and we have such crummy theaters here in Ames so I just read and watch the poor almost blind dog bump into things.
Hugs
September 15, 2011 at 8:43 PM
Urspo
Not to be worrying; I am merely venting some frustrations and a long work week. This too shall pass.
September 15, 2011 at 9:15 PM
James
Hey, Dr. Spo – I thought the new co-worker would take some of the work load off your shoulders? Sorry to hear the week’s been so stressful, man, but it’s almost over, if it’s any consolation! 😉
Best,
J.
September 15, 2011 at 9:32 PM
JustAMike
I’m sorry you are feeling this way . . . I think I totally get it though. I agree, this too shall pass!
September 15, 2011 at 10:57 PM
raybeard
If you, above all people, can get to feeling so ‘down’, then God must have His mood swings too. However, a major difference is that I do know that YOU definitely exist…..
September 15, 2011 at 11:13 PM
HaplessDad
Hey, Spo. Don’t feel bad. Living in this world is like being a recovering addict; we have to try to get through it one day at a time. From what I feel I know about you through the posts you’ve written, you seem better equipped to deal with it than anyone! Chin up, old bean.
September 16, 2011 at 2:50 AM
Will
Warm hugs and thoughts from Fritz and me! I know you know this, too, shall pass but do accept some love from us until it does.
September 16, 2011 at 3:25 AM
truthspew
The wingnuts aren’t actually winning, it’s the media portrayal that makes it seem that way.
September 16, 2011 at 4:52 AM
tigerchanter
((HUGS)) 😦
September 16, 2011 at 5:17 AM
Cubby
Rude to her? If that’s true you should be punished. Report to my house for spanking immediately.
September 16, 2011 at 7:22 AM
Sassybear
Would that I could show up on your door with a flower and a hug and share a spot of tea with you to help chase away the shadows and glums and maybe make you chuckle a bit…
September 16, 2011 at 7:37 AM
tim
Ah, she is nuts, but then, you knew that.
I keep thinking you are the father from “My 3 Sons”, and we all know Fred M. did not have the ability to be rude.
I think everyone is feeling like this about the Yahoos winning and civility dying.
I think you are Just a really fine gentleman.
September 16, 2011 at 7:38 AM
Raybob
It’s the overwhelm, isn’t it? Too much coming in and not enough pressure relief. I hear that a cuddle with Harper and a cup of tea helps with that.
:-*
September 16, 2011 at 7:39 AM
Raybob
But the tea is for you, not Harper.
September 16, 2011 at 8:31 AM
Will J
Hug.
Hope Hendrik left you alone.
Will follow Brent’s suggestion and light a candle for you this evening so that you may have light and assistance as you fight the forces of darkness and stupidity.
September 16, 2011 at 10:12 AM
Chris (in Phily)
Hug.
I hope you can enjoy your weekend. Someone will be home soon.
September 16, 2011 at 10:39 AM
Mrs. Moose
Hi Spo,
I thought of you when September rolled around because at this time last year I read about how you go into a pre-winter depression. An SAD of sorts. I have a new blog now and a new life but wanted to stop in and see how you were doing. Take care, old friend, who I’ve never met. =)
September 16, 2011 at 10:47 PM
Urspo
Thank you very much for your kind comment, and letting me know you have a new blog/you’ve been my friend for some time Ur old friend Spo
September 16, 2011 at 1:35 PM
Leon Halloran
Many thanks for the wonderful SPO shirt for my birthday and the loan of Someone to deliver it. I’m sorry that he isn’t there to cheer you up but we are enjoying his company. When i get depressed, I too retreat from the world and grab a book. Reading selected passages from “Raising the Stones” by Sheri Tepper makes me think that the human race may be worth saving if only through Deus Ex Machina as in the story.
Leon
September 16, 2011 at 1:38 PM
Laurent
If this is any comfort, I know what you mean. I sometimes feel like this too. We do live in strange times. But has my Mom would say, you have to rise above it all.
September 16, 2011 at 5:32 PM
Greg
You’re doing fine, and as you wrote, “This too shall pass.” Just like gas or a kidney stone. Only not as painful. 😉
September 16, 2011 at 6:51 PM
Ron
I am sorry that one of your patients registered a complaint against you. I cannot imagine you being rude to anybody. You are a kind, compassionate and gentle man. Obviously this woman has mental problems. Perhaps she is seeking attention. I don’t know but what I do know is that you will handle it well.
In reference to you feeling pessimistic, I’m there too Dr. Spo. I try to remain upbeat and hopeful and not bore everyone with yet another political rant which does about as much good as pissing in the wind. Obama, the Appeaser in Chief. The Republicans, who know they can roll Obama because of his weakness, now have their chance to roll back all of the New Deal safety net programs as well as Medicare and perhaps, even the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Several times I have thought to myself that I am so thankful that I am at the end of my life because I see no good coming of our political system or way of life we always took for granted. It is not going to get any better. As you get older like me you will also notice that, except for some of your friends your age, you will be ostracized by the gay community because of your age. You will cease to exist. You will become “The Invisible Man” like the Ralph Ellison novel. The best way to combat all this negativity and not let it totally bring you down is to concentrate on those parts of your life and daily routine that bring to you peace, tranquility and a sense of accomplishment. I think it was Robert Kennedy who had a framed Latin motto in his office which said in effect “Don’t Let the Bastards Get You Down.” Good advice. Know this Dr. Spo, you have many friends and admirers out here in Blogger Land who wish you well.
September 16, 2011 at 7:07 PM
jason
“maturity, manners, reason, and kindness to others”
I see you yourself are a bastion of those good things! Don’t let the yahoos win without a fight, that’s what I say.
September 18, 2011 at 11:27 PM
Rick/CJ
I find myself like this at times. Have you seen the Matthew Modine movie Equinox? I related to his character when I saw it and it made me feel good at the time. I need to watch it again.
Your quiet time and and this dark place is all behind you by now.