The old bathroom scale is mercurial in providing my weight. It’s an old scale; I daresay some of the part aren’t functioning properly. As I get on and off and on again, it provides a series of readings with a rather large standard deviation. The ritual is I take the average of a few ascents or I pick the lowest reading.
Like a broken clock that is right twice a day (while a slow clock is never correct), by using it as my only scale I get a consistent inconsistency.
Last week Someone came home from Bloodbath and Beyond with this king-size titanic unsinkable Molly Brown new scale. As you can see, it is clear with digital readings in pounds and kilos. To my horror it tells me I am nearly seven pounds heavier than I was last week on the old one. Someone, always the rationalist, thinks this is Thanksgiving weight gain. I found it amazing (and abhorrent) I could have gained seven pounds in one week. Alas, this scale doesn’t have readings swings but is like plain-song la la la one one note, or weight. We are not amused. I brought up the possibility it was faulty and should be brought back to the store for a refund. Someone states he weighs more too, about seven pounds. So we have been living is fool’s paradise as it were.
As you can see from the photograph, the new scale is more transparent both figuratively and literally. When I step off from the clear plate I leave behind my carbon footprint. I anticipate Mr. Scale will need frequent wipes with Windex.
My saving grace about the seven pound increase is my trousers aren’t tighter. I put on a pair of jeans not worn in months and lo! they are no tighter. Along the logic in the ‘witch trial’ scene in “Monty Python and The Holy Grail” I’ve concluded I am not fatter but more dense. Carl Sagan states we derive from star-stuff; I must be slowly translating back into a star – a neutron star. The thought is comforting especially if it means I will become more bright and cynosure and men can’t resist gravitating towards me.
21 comments
December 6, 2014 at 9:32 PM
Old Lurker
My scale recently told me I gained six pounds in two days. It’s correct, of course, because I am an unlovable pig with no impulse control. And I don’t even have USAian Thanksgiving to blame!
December 6, 2014 at 10:29 PM
Urspo
I daresay it is the weather, or a mascon under North America.
December 6, 2014 at 9:40 PM
Jay Simser
I only weigh when I go to the doctor. Then I never obsess about it. I have lost 41 pounds from October 2013 to October 2014. I am going for a slow and steady loss. I should have done it years ago. I love your post today…It gave me several chuckles. Give Harper some love and also for Somepne
December 6, 2014 at 10:02 PM
larrymuffin
La morale de cette histoire est: Embrace your weight like you would the word Rubenesque. You look great why worry, be Happy!!! Think it’s the Christmas Season and all the good food and Scotch you can drink, Enjoy the Holidays!!!
December 7, 2014 at 8:17 AM
Urspo
I want others to embrace my weight rather
December 6, 2014 at 11:24 PM
Raybeard
Never mind neutron stars (or Red Giants?), take advantage of this:-
Dye white, don red, tuck a few berries here and there, and LO! – you’ll be the very personification of Pa Xmas! Just think of all those snotty-nosed, yelling brats clambering to get into your lap, lucky you!
December 7, 2014 at 2:26 AM
anne marie in philly
I too have a flat digital scale; it and my MD’s scale read the same. it’s just a number anyway, like my age.
December 7, 2014 at 4:35 AM
wfregosi
What a bizarre design — do you put your feet inside the two silver metal strips or on them? And the gray plate underneath is contoured in the lower left corner but not anywhere else. Very strange, but the designer in me wants to know these things.
December 7, 2014 at 8:12 AM
will jay
Perhaps the gravitational force has changed at your house as a response to climate change?.YIKES!
December 7, 2014 at 8:14 AM
Urspo
It’s the mascons
December 7, 2014 at 8:17 AM
Urspo
So far as i can tell the silver is mere design and had nothing to do worh the function
December 7, 2014 at 5:33 AM
David
Don’t fret, it is only a number, if you awoke up above the sod this morning, it is another wonderful day.
December 7, 2014 at 6:30 AM
Autolycus
Just as long as you’re not becoming a red dwarf – or a black hole…
December 7, 2014 at 8:15 AM
Urspo
Someone once described me as a black hole of need
December 7, 2014 at 9:09 AM
buckeyeinrichmond
Hmmmmmmm
December 7, 2014 at 12:45 PM
anne marie in philly
I ain’t gonna touch this loaded one-liner…
December 7, 2014 at 10:16 AM
Ron
Excuse me while I pick myself up off the floor. SEVEN POUNDS?!?! That’s a lot of egg nog. I say throw the scale out and go the old fashion way. As long as you can see your feet when you’re standing on those scales, you’re okay. If you can’t see your feet then cut back on your egg nog imbibes (infused with generous dollops of bourbon no doubt). Stick to bottled water with celery stalks. You may look at the culinary feast but do not put any of it in your pie hole. Water and celery stalks (sans cream cheese or peanut butter of course).
December 8, 2014 at 5:24 AM
Blobby
my scale actually identifies me by weight and sends said digits to a website. I haven’t been on that contraption for months.
December 8, 2014 at 5:25 AM
Blobby
Sorry – it identifies me by NAME.
December 8, 2014 at 4:08 PM
Steven
I weigh myself religiously every morning. Surprisingly, there can be fairly large swings in weight measurement almost from day to day. And the results typically dictate what will be had for dinner that evening.
December 11, 2014 at 5:01 AM
Chip
Love it — “Bloodbath and Beyond”. 🙂