Spo-fans should take note this entry is merely reflective and not a sign of depression or self-pity or an endorsement of Trump.
Last night while doing the dishes I realized I have no friends. What I mean by this is I have no traditional flesh-in-blood living close-by types of friends, the sort I could call to go out for drinks or dinner. It was a depressing revelation. Data supports a nearby network of buddies may be just as important for health and well-being as wholesome food and air.* For men over fifty years old a social group of chums is especially vital.
It’s my own fault course. Friendships just don’t happen; they have to be nurtured like a rare exotic. The layout of Phoenix is such one has to drive at everywhere go anywhere and there are no great meeting spots downtown. There is no ‘gayborhood’ either. Bars have their deficits. Besides, the boys in the bars are no longer talking to each other but are engrossed in their cellphones. My work makes for long hours. Between work and gym time (more time consumed by driving) there is little left for anything else let alone socializing.
I haven’t had luck in making lasting local friends. There were some potential friends, a couple we liked, but as they live 30 miles. Joining clubs and social apps haven’t produced either.
As I write this out I realize while I say I would like friends, I am not willing to divert the necessary time and energy I away from what I do now. I am merely saddened how difficult it is has become to merely do the basics, such as properly prepared meals, reading a book, or ‘down time of doing nothing’.
I am happy with my on-line blogger buddies and friends living afar. It seems enough. In a few weeks The Best Friend comes to visit; I have not seen him in years. We will sit by poolside and talk and be. I am looking forward to this.
*I don’t know of any data the supports long distance or ‘internet’ friends like blogging or Facebook ‘count’ or make good enough substitute. It is a fascinating hypothesis. My intuition tells me these types are good but not sufficient.
Spo-Reflections 
31 comments
January 21, 2016 at 3:52 PM
Steven
Dare I say it, but you may want to try going to church. First Congregational Church (United Church of Christ) at 1407 N. 2nd Street may be a good start. And they’re “open and affirming” which means they welcome the GLBT community. Check out their website (http://phoenixucc.org/). Many people I’ve met at church turned out to be nearby neighbors. Disclaimer: I am not familiar with this specific church, but I belong to the same church (United Church of Christ) in my area, which is also “open and affirming”.
January 21, 2016 at 8:30 PM
Urspo
A very good recommendation indeed. If you want to meet people go to where people gather. Church is an excellent choice
January 21, 2016 at 4:29 PM
anne marie in philly
I am the same way; the closest boyfriends I have are mistress maddie (a day with the mistress borghese) and mark (tales of the sissy). my closest knitting buddy lives 1 hour away too. at least I can reach you by telephone! 🙂
January 21, 2016 at 5:34 PM
taniapink
Isn’t there an art walk in Phoenix? Either there was, 14 years ago, when I lived there, or I made one up. I think that making friends takes time and shared interests. At least, in my experience that is so. I understand not wanting to take the time, so I tend to make friends where I have a common interest – like art, opera, book clubs, hiking etc. Laughter is important and laughter shared is different from that we have with films etc. Xx
January 21, 2016 at 5:45 PM
Blobby
Seinfeld once said you can’t make friends once you’re over 30. While it’s not exactly true, it’s true enough. By that age, we are fully engaged in our lives and that nurturing of which you speak, well…we don’t always have time for.
That said, I’ve made a number of pseudo-friends. Movies. Dinner. Ever now and then. But I’m less tolerant of bad behaving gay couples….or one in a couple. I feel bad for my husband, bc he likes these folks more than I do, but for one of them, I won’t put up w his shit – and he knows it so acts out against me. It’s all so childish.
I find the friends I truly have might not be close by – but they are close. And those are the ones I treasure.
January 21, 2016 at 5:46 PM
larrymuffin
I agree with you it is important to have a circle of friends to connect with. We face the same situation here in Ottawa. No one goes out because it is too expensive and the culture here is to go out on Saturday night if you go out. We socialize mostly with our neighbours in the building. We have drinks or simple meals at home. I like to cook and so does Will. But I cannot say we see a lot of people. In most cases now, even for friends we have know for a long time and live just couple of blocks away. We send emails to get news or meet for coffee some morning, since I am retired. But we have to plan ahead to do so. Very unlike Europe where you could simply meet people on the street and go into a Café. I really enjoy the blog buddies but the distance makes it difficult to get in depth. There is SKYPE which is the next best things. However you mentioned no time for proper meals or books etc.. I plan the meals and often ask Will to make dishes we can enjoy during the week. I have a routine and simply follow it. A the dilemma of modern life in the big city. Hopefully all that will change once we move. I am hopeful.
January 21, 2016 at 8:32 PM
Urspo
I would most welcome you planning meals here. Not too much spice though please.
January 22, 2016 at 8:07 AM
larrymuffin
Dear Dr. I would with pleasure this is what I do everyday here. My meals I usually all planned out before 08:00am.
January 21, 2016 at 5:50 PM
Rob
I’ve read that this situation is common among middle aged men – both gay and straight. There are studies on this. Maybe it’s partly a function of longer work hours. Also socialization of men has changed over the years, people less interested in clubs or organizations. I think it might be easier for straight men because football might be a common link, but gay men seem to be less interested in that (certainly not absolute). It seems like men don’t socialize like women do. There’s no shopping together or group of men meeting for lunch (unless there is some common interest behind it, like football).
January 21, 2016 at 8:29 PM
Urspo
Poker games and bowling leagues work but so few men join these sort of things
January 21, 2016 at 6:09 PM
truthspew
Yeah – it gets difficult. My friends are spread to the four corners. Plus I have pals at work – they think I’m a funny guy. I do have this certain wit that sums up situations nicely. For example – today we finally got keys for our office so we can lock it up. Only about $10K of computer gear in there. So I told the office manager that all we needed now was one way mirror film for the interior window. That got a laugh.
January 21, 2016 at 7:18 PM
Robert
We are still making friends in our fifties although we live in a city full of people in the same situation – either living abroad or interstate. When we eventually move north to Newcastle I’m sure we will be the same situation as you.
January 21, 2016 at 10:21 PM
Steven of the north
No, on line doesn’t count, it’s not the same. The wake up call will be when a real crisis comes, then you will look for people to turn to and it can’t be someone on another continent. That’s why I no longer put the effort into online friends like I did years ago. Another thing is find people that click, not just gay people. I said this to a lesbian couple I know and they told me that now most of their friends are straight, they have more in common, and look for that in a friendship, not sexuality. It is hard though.
January 22, 2016 at 12:50 AM
Tim
It is the same across the board-I could have written the same about my life and … I live in rural France in summer and Paris in winter..
Do we remember the signs “Kill your television” .. the internet is the ultimate television ..that said…
I would rather you take all my money than restrict me from this.. hmm, may be the problem.
Thank you for another thought provoking entry ..
Tim
January 22, 2016 at 7:57 AM
Urspo
I’ve read once upon a time going to coffee shops and local watering holes were quite good at making social ties and intercourse. Nowadays, go into a Starbucks, and no one is talking to each other but everyone is on their gizmos talking to people elsewhere. I find this funny and sad
January 22, 2016 at 3:30 AM
Raybeard
Not a single flesh-and-blood friend in the entire world? Tell me about it. I don’t even have, nor have ever had, a ‘Someone’ equivalent (boo hoo!). However, just like your Harper, I do have my three pussycats, though ‘conversing’ with them does rather tend to be one-way. (I’ll now sit back and listen to sympathy chords being struck.)
January 22, 2016 at 7:56 AM
Urspo
Oh, I have many of these types – alas they are all in other states and countries. None down the street or in town.
January 23, 2016 at 2:38 AM
Raybeard
??? I’m not quite clear. But I’m going to assume that you mean you know of many of these totally friendless types like myself, but none of them living close to you. If so, doesn’t make me feel any better – though I appreciate that you weren’t particularly aiming to do that.
January 22, 2016 at 3:54 AM
Paul Brownsey
It’s interesting how little in the culture supports *friendship*. Most novels and most films give centre stage to romantic love; the friend, the buddy, the chum, is just there as temporary background support. When did you last read a novel or see a film in which Joe and Mary are about to walk off into the sunset but Mary says she can’t stand Joe’s friend Dave, so Joe dumps her because he values friendship?
Or if a bloke does have a close male friend there are bound to be hints that, really, deep down, it’s, you know…
There’s also stereotyping: I have encountered the notion that women have friends but men only have associates and competitors.
If you want a novel in which friendship has centre stage, try Kenneth Steven’s Highland Trilogy. At a reading I told the author that the story was unusual in that many writers would have introduced a homoerotic element and suggest the friends were really feeling their way towards becoming lovers. Steven said he intended nothing like that.
January 22, 2016 at 7:55 AM
Urspo
I recall from literature a manly friendship between two or more men was heralded as the highest love possible, more than that of loving a woman. And there was no innuendo it was a homosexual love. I think nowadays real friendship between (straight) men maybe impossible out of vanity viz. ‘people will think we are gay”.
January 22, 2016 at 5:24 AM
David
Thank you for the interesting post, I am somewhat glad I waited to respond, my experience mirrors yours and most of the commenters. We are mobile, we are overworked, our communities have changed, technology has changed our lives.
January 22, 2016 at 7:53 AM
Urspo
Yet it looks like physical interactions/groups/friends etc. remain vital. Eons of evolution seem to say we need each other – close – in the old fashioned ways.
January 22, 2016 at 6:09 AM
grapeswhiz
Geography is the worst, isn’t it? Were we in the same town, we’d be having this discussion with the knives and forks flying and the drinks thrown back. This serves as a voucher for the same, whenever you get out this way. Ask Sluggy – I’m not kidding! We ate, drank, and laughed till tears rolled and they kicked us out of the place for noise violations. (well… Most of that is true.)
January 22, 2016 at 9:21 AM
Old Lurker
In case church doesn’t pan out: you are on Scruff, no? You are not obligated to use that app solely to satisfy carnal desires.
I do not have many/any friends either, but I find that it is more effective to develop relationships via shared effort than forced socialization. When people come together for some other purpose (quilting bees, barn raisings, threshing parties) then they inevitably end up socializing.
January 22, 2016 at 4:19 PM
Erik Rubright
While I do have a few people I would count as friends near me, with my schedule, it can be difficult to maintain and nurture those relationships. I know a big part of that is my fault: I pick the hours I work. But I do make an effort as I have time.
I feel like I have more friends in other places, mostly people I have met on the Internet via blogging or other social media. And I seem to stay in just as much contact with them as I do people in my locale.
January 22, 2016 at 9:29 PM
johnmichael42003
I have a very small group of friends. Two groups of very small friends…and now I am saddened.
January 23, 2016 at 6:49 PM
Ron
If it is any comfort, you are not alone in the “I have no friends” category. If by that you mean friends nearby in which you can visit, chat or go to the movies with. My “friends” are all dispersed. I have some close friends from childhood who I stay in contact with but they live afar and their spousal ship takes precedence over any close friendship we had before (some spouses can be very selfish, including gay spouses). I thought (assumed) when I moved to “gay friendly” Rehoboth Beach area where there is a large gay population (mainly lesbian) I would develop at last a few friendships but the only one I developed was with The Cajun and that was uneven at best. I have resigned myself to live out my days with friends who live far apart from me. One good thing, they are all (including you) are the kind of friends that I would want and choose. You have many friends Dr. Spo, who love and admire you. It’s a shame we all don’t live closer.
January 24, 2016 at 4:09 AM
Kato
Michael, is it possible to cut back on hours and work nine day fortnights? Loneliness and lack of local friendships seem like ongoing themes for you. To have friends you need time, you need to have things in common, and you need to be willing to let yourself be vulnerable.
Church seems like a marvelous option. Do your research beforehand to avoid homophobic Xns. Church is also good for the soul. Green movements can be very supportive, educated and broad minded (but don’t tell them you don’t have a clothesline). Philosophy/ethics courses? Art appreciation courses? Bird watching groups?
I wouldn’t rule out half the population (being female) or the majority of men (being straight). Especially since you’re not on the prowl for a new Someone. It’s harder sharing things in common when your life hasn’t been a straight course.
On the positive side you have had lots of opportunities to grow. Personal growth and maintaining friendships often come at a price. I am so lucky that my husband has shared my big growth moments with me and that our relationship survived.
What can you do to connect more in your community?
I’m tired. Sometimes when I’m tired I morph into a bossy (but caring) big sister.
January 24, 2016 at 9:23 AM
Urspo
these are all good thoughts;I thank you for them.
My matter is a simple one: if I want friends I have to make time and discipline to do so. My workload etc. is not impossible to move around to make space for say joining a club where I am likely to meet people.
January 24, 2016 at 4:59 PM
fearsomebeard
i try to see you when I can honey!
January 24, 2016 at 10:17 PM
Rick
A friend one can embrace, mooch off, call for favors at odd hours, spill your troubles, and help move furniture, would be most welcome.