Some couples are ‘generalists” viz. either member does anything and there are no fixed roles. Other couples are ‘specialists” viz. a task is done by one member only. My parents are specialists. My brothers and I joke if Mother died Father would starve to death as he doesn’t know how to shop for groceries or cook, work the stove, or even how to use the washer machine. If Father goes first, Mother would wither away as she doesn’t know where the money is.
We vow not to become like our parents, only to fail time and time again. For Someone and I are specialists. Without consciously deciding to do so, we have taken over certain tasks the other generally doesn’t do. We do those things we are better at doing, or want to do – or feel the other doesn’t do as well as I can.
Here are some examples:
Spo jobs:
Decorate at Hallowe’en
Walk the dog in the morning
Handle directions while driving
Initiate activities (as it were)
Recycle
Someone jobs:
Decorate at Christmas
Walk the dog in the evening
Drive
Arrange travel plans
Run the dishwasher
Do the laundry
Like Father I am growing less involved in running the household. Someone actually does most if not all the housekeeping, given his stay at home status as a doctor’s wife. I am the breadwinner and don’t do much more else. I guess that makes me my father. (If Someone is my mother than this is too Oedipal). It is embarrassing to admit our new dishwasher is over a month old and I have yet to operate it.
A quick survey of couples I know reveal we are not the norm, to wit, most seem to share the tasks. Being nosy, I am quite wildly curious if the sex life of generalists and specialists parrellels their roles in housekeeping, but I have too much tact to inquire into such.
I vow to become more generalized. I will ask Someone to refresh my memory about the joint chequeing account, and where the heck does he shop for groceries.
I may even ask him to show me how to operate the dishwasher – just in case I some day have to do the dishes.
Spo-Reflections 
30 comments
August 22, 2011 at 8:05 PM
Tai
You don’t go shopping for groceries with Someone?
August 22, 2011 at 8:19 PM
Urspo
I hate going to the grocery store; this is one task I happily defer to Someone, who not only enjoys it but does it well.
August 22, 2011 at 8:58 PM
Tai
You should have an entry about shopping at grocery stores 😆
August 22, 2011 at 9:47 PM
Peter
So who walks Harper during the rest of the day? The maid, dog walker or Someone? 😉
August 23, 2011 at 2:09 AM
Sky Clad Therapy
There are roles in our home. But, there is a lot of sharing of some of these roles – up to a point.
Myself
Make the morning coffee
Do the dishes (by hand while the dishwasher sits ignored)
Clean up the kitchen
Take care of the directions while driving
Partner
Make the bed in the morning
Cook most of the meals
Do the yard work (I help when needed)
Do the laundry
Do the driving
Together
just about everything else including the dreaded “shopping”
August 23, 2011 at 2:37 AM
rg
I live by myself – I do it all, with style. 🙂
August 23, 2011 at 3:35 AM
Sassybear
I would say we’re somewhere in-between generalists and specialists…we share most of the house chores, grocery shopping and special projects. We have both had our turn at handling our finances, but only ever do it one at a time…I did it for twelve years, he’s done it the last two. (We have 100% co-mingled finances…we do not separate incomes, debts or bills.) He tends to always mow the lawn and change light bulbs and he always handles all the car stuff; I tend to cook and organize (fridge, pantry, closets, etc.) more often and I always handle our social calendar. I think, though we have always tried to maintain a more egalitarian life together, schedule and personal preference just influences it enough to make our roles a little more distinct than we set out to make them be.
August 23, 2011 at 3:44 AM
Jim
Hey guys, try living alone where you have to do it all…or do without. When my wife died, I didn’t know how to handle the money, and found that she didn’t know how to manage it too well. Thus, not only did I have a lot to learn, and quickly, I had to learn how to manage with a lot less than I thought. Fortunately, I had always been able to cook, clean, and do laundry. I shared some of that with her. Now…I do it all, and I must add, I do it quite well!!
August 23, 2011 at 4:35 AM
tigerchanter
F and I tend to split up the tasks as well. Although I wouldn’t starve to death as I do know how to cook! 😉
August 23, 2011 at 4:39 AM
Mike Now In Phoenix
The Mister and I are specialists.
I shop for groceries as I cannot stand to have The Mister hover around me while I read labels and check ingredients. It is ritualistic for me. He swears at me and states “you buy the same crap every week, what are you looking at?”
The Mister does the laundry – DAILY! I am very appreciative of him doing the laundry, but sometimes I get miffed when I get home from work and there are my nicely folded clothes needing to find there way to their respective cubbies. Once in a while I will hold all my laundry until the weekend and do it myself which miffs The Mister.
Cooking is my domain although The Mister makes some mean pinto beans.
Cleaning is a shared chore. I clean the bathrooms, mop the floors and heavy dust. The Mister makes the bed, fluffs the couches, surface cleans and vacuums. Often times I will quote a line long forgotten: “You, and your surface mop lifestyle.”
August 23, 2011 at 5:09 AM
Raven~
Do you mean that you wonder if specialists always play the same role/position/whatever in the frolicing, or do you mean that there is a perceived parallel between the chores assumed, and the position assumed?
August 23, 2011 at 6:11 AM
Urspo
both!
August 23, 2011 at 6:28 AM
Raven~
yes, that would make a fascinating sociological study 🙂
but getting people to answer the survey honestly … HONEY!
John and I are definitely specialists in the divvying up of household chores. I can’t say we had any consistent criteria at first, it gradually devolved into who we mutually perceived as better at something, and would actually do said chore — when we both agreed it was better not to try to work together on the particular task. Who will actually do it is probably the bottom line. Neither one of us enjoys housekeeping.
I”ll have to think about whether we really adopt consistent roles and/or positions otherwise. That’s probably better saved for an email
August 23, 2011 at 5:13 AM
anne marie in philly
spouse does: lawn & outside work, cleans bathrooms, folds laundry, pays his own bills, saves money for vacations, cleans cat litter box, cooks (I can cook, but he does it better), runs the dishwasher, mops kitchen floor, makes morning cawfee (or “happy juice”, as it’s known in my house), driving directions.
I do: laundry, grocery shopping, pay my own bills (yes, separate accounts; there IS a reason for this), vacuum, drive.
we both feed the cats. sometimes spouse will go grocery shopping with me, but I can get through the store faster if he is not tagging along.
and yes, I have a live-in houseboy (not that there’s anything wrong with that)! wink wink
August 23, 2011 at 5:39 AM
Ray
Lucjly My Mother taught me hw to do many things. My Father taugth me his side as well. I enjoy doing allot of things. I do fully agree with you and I had to laugh at time about it.
I do all of the decorating for the holidays.
Hugs
Ray
August 23, 2011 at 7:35 AM
foxystone
We are specialists: I am the chef, dishwasher, technical support, activities / entertainment / social coordinator, and navigator. He is the mechanic, the financial whiz, laundress, housekeeper. We share shopping and yard duties.
August 23, 2011 at 7:41 AM
Buddy Bear
In the last 15 or so years of my marriage, I did nearly 100% of everything but with much help from the kids … all grocery shopping, homework help, cooking, driving the kids everywhere, yard work, house repairs, construction projects, Christmas decorating, very minimal house cleaning, simple car repairs….. basically every aspect of our lives was done by me. My wife did nothing and I mean nothing.
Correction: my wife did (and still does) our banking and taxes, even though we’ve been separated for seven months. We’re gradually starting to separate our finances as well.
By the way, I love grocery shopping at the “super” grocery store nearest our local university and technical college. At this time of year, it is FULL of scruffy frat boys wearing flip-flops and cargo shorts, setting up their households for the new school year. Many of them are super hot and even the dorky ones are just adorable!
August 23, 2011 at 8:03 AM
Will J
Why do you need to run the dishwasher if neither of you shops for groceries or cooks? 😉
August 23, 2011 at 8:05 AM
Urspo
Because it is there.
August 23, 2011 at 8:26 AM
Chris (in Phily)
I find there are some roles that each of have:
Myself
manage all of the house bills / fianances
Decorate the House for halloween and xmas, etc.
Plan vacations / order tickets etc.
i am the baker of the family, (pies, cookies, desserts).
I plan the parties.
I am learning the handy man role and car repair.
I am the painter.
Partner
Cooks dinner
Does food shopping
General Handy man wiz ( both home and car).
yard work ( I have allergies)
All the rest of the house chores we tend to share when we can get to it.
The running joke at home whenever a major house cleaning event has occured while one off us was out is “oh i see the maid showed up today.”
August 23, 2011 at 8:29 AM
Greg
We tend to divvy things up: he does the laundry; I do the dishes. He cleans the bathrooms; I vacuum, dust, and mop the floors. He has an iPod; I have a Nook. That’s just the way it is.
August 23, 2011 at 1:58 PM
Laurent
Division of duties is so Hetero, Gay men hire servants and help the economy by creating employment for pool boyz, chauffeur’s, gardener, general help around the house. LOL!
August 23, 2011 at 2:43 PM
jefferyrn
We share our duties, but as you say one thinks he does it better then the other and it is easy to defer. “Initiate activities” hmmm I like the sound of that.
I don’t know how this translates into roles either. In this relationship I play a different role then I have in the past. I take charge when it is required.
August 23, 2011 at 5:54 PM
DougT
Me:
Cook Dinner
Empty Dishwasher
Clean Litterbox
Drive
(Mostly) make travel plans
The Wild One:
Clean up after dinner
Put out trash and recycling
Mow lawn
Feed Cats
Pay cleaning lady
August 23, 2011 at 7:26 PM
jason
Gee, I have to do it all myself….even the “initiate activities (as it were)” part. 🙂
August 23, 2011 at 7:38 PM
Mike Now In Phoenix
Gee, Jason, I’d be glad help you “initiate activities,” but as it stands, any outside initiating of activities falls under The Mister’s realm 😦
August 23, 2011 at 9:20 PM
Erik Rubright
The Husbear and I are specialists, each of us having deferred tasks to one another after 14 years. Although somehow has the “ability” of giving up these tasks to me, while I don’t seem to be able to return that favor to him. How does that happen?
And I’d be curious about that survey of “if the sex life of generalists and specialists parrellels their roles in housekeeping”.
August 24, 2011 at 2:45 AM
Robertt
chequeing = checking
August 24, 2011 at 9:28 PM
merri
Harvey usually cooks but I will bake( asi am trying to keep both of us away from sugar sweetened goodies)
He also cleans but I do too; the exception is the bathroom which is usually left to me(oh well)
He doesn’t know how to run the dishwasher either and will leave his dishes from the day kindly waiting for me beside the sink ( NEVER inside)
He does ALL the gardening( I used to pretend to like gardening but the years have proved otherwise! Lol
August 30, 2011 at 8:39 PM
Java
I love the picture you chose for this post.
Our housekeeping roles have changed over the years. I used to do almost all the cooking and laundry, now he does more than me. He also cleans the house more often than I do. What do I do? Run errands, make sure the kids don’t kill each other when they get home from school, and read. Reading isn’t a household chore, but I do a lot of it.