This is one is about gay men and sex.

Family members and Spo-fans who are squeamish may want to come back some other day. 


“Gay marriage” has certainly raised a lot of ruckus. Many of my friends and patients have become married in the past few years*.  It’s intriguing to see how these nuptials imitate (or not) traditional heterosexual marriages. While gays/lesbians want the legal and economic equalities given to straight married couples, I don’t see much desire to become ‘true onto death’ viz. monogamy.  Monogamy doesn’t seem to be too important in gay couples, even after they formalize their relationships.

I know a lot of gay couples, personally and professionally, and I estimate most of them have sexual liaisons outside of their relationship. I recently found a statistic to support the hypothesis. This week in one of my shrink-journals a therapist reported in his research paper ~ 2 of 3 gay male couples have sex outside of their relationship.  I suspect this is under reported.

The term for it is “polyamory”, which is a fancy word to describe an open relationship.

Is it possible to be ‘true’ to your spouse but have sex elsewhere? Apparently yes, given the statistic just quoted.

“Emotionally monogamous; sexually polyamorous” is another intriguing term in the mentioned paper.  Polyamory is an extremely rare situation in my straight friends/patients**.

Either the gay guys have successfully separated themselves from traditional heterosexual relationship standards, or they are fooling themselves. Perhaps things aren’t so jolly as they state it is. In their defense,  in my own ‘research’,  the gay couples I know fall into the former category; they are doing OK with polyamory.  Indeed, there seems to be a correlation between the surety of the love-bond and the ease for either or both parties play elsewhere. Fascinating.

Perhaps the explanation is more prosaic: men like to have sex. Therefore, gay men are more willing to allow ‘extramarital affairs’ as they understand the need – or want it too.

The straight man’s criticism of gay men’s satyriasis may be merely sour grapes and envy.

It’s all rather complex and somewhat ineffable.  That pretty well sums up human sexuality.



*Alas, if they live here, they have to go elsewhere to tie the knot, as AZ remains nasty on this subject of gay marriage. Indeed, by the end of the week the AZ governor will sign an even more acrimonious bill against gays, as most of you know.


** The exception is the French. A Frenchman traditionally has a wife and a mistress. However if monsieur should happen onto a third woman he is likely to find himself with two bread knives in his back.  The rules are different; breaking the rules is the same.