Over breakfast Someone and I were talking on the topic of friends. We have a handful of pal relationships (past and present) which feels ‘one way’ viz. we do a lot of reaching out but there is little or no spontaneous reciprocation. We don’t know many couples; we don’t have a large local support network. We would like some chums with whom to hang out, go to the movies, have dinner on Friday nights; just hang out together. Our attempts to join social networks haven’t been successful. Guys on Grindr and Scruff interested in ‘meeting new friends’ is usually code for looking for hook ups rather.
A long time axiom of mental health is having a good support network. Human beings, being primates, needs the companionship of others. A ‘good support network’ traditionally means local ‘real live people’ with whom you can speak, commiserate, and socialize.
But times have changed. Youngsters (and those not so young) seem to have more ‘virtual‘ than ‘real‘ friends and support. They list their friends as on the internet in fantasy games, chat rooms, Facebook, and yes – blogs. Older docs (including myself) tend to dismiss these types of support/friends as less beneficial than ‘proper friends”. Some shrinks go so far as to dismiss virtual friends as detrimental to mental health. “You need to have some real friends” we tell our patients.
The youngsters don’t buy this. They defend their on-line/text friends as just as important/therapeutic as someone ‘live’ with whom they can shoot hoops or go shopping.
So what defines a “friend”? What makes a friendship ‘real’? And for health’s sake: which friendship types keep depression away, the blood pressure down, and make quality of life better?
I present four friends – I’ve changed their names < which one(s) are ‘proper’ friends, and which one(s) would keep me/you happy?
Ernest – I’ve known for years. We’ve had many face to face outings and interactions; a true bond. Yet Ernest lives far away and now we hardly ever hear from each other. But when we do, the bond is instantly there.
Leonard – I see Leonard frequently, so his is a face to face sort of friendship. We socialize, chat, eat dinner/see each other at parties. We are always glad to see each other and chat. But there is no ‘depth’ other than this level of pleasantry. Other than these set social settings, we don’t do anything else.
George – Through blogging I know George intimately; we share our hopes/dreams, sorrows and happiness. We are always there for each other – but we have never met in person.
and
James – is a very small snail. (Sorry, I had to finish the joke).
Most people agree having friends is important, but no one is certain anymore what makes a friend. We need them; we can’t define them.
I suppose I am old fashioned and ‘of the old school’. The friends I rank as best are the ones that include the element of touch, if only briefly as in a hello kiss or a good bye hug.
And the virtual friends I hold dear: I hope someday to meet them face to face in a fond embrace and elevate our friendship to apotheosis.
Spo-Reflections 
31 comments
December 2, 2012 at 12:54 PM
Jay
Tis a puzzlement. perhaps for the Questing Beast. I know what you mean. I have a lot of acquaintances (including my Lodge brothers) but we are not what I would call friends. Sometimes when I think I have a friend they will drop out of my life for no discernable reason. I think it is probably some fault of mine. I do not feel that I have many I can “count on” just one or two. And when I do ask for something I feel like I am “using them” Basically I have given up on worrying about it and count on Molly as my best friend.
December 2, 2012 at 1:00 PM
wfregosi
I do not think the nature of the friendship is dictated by the medium but by the friends themselves. Long before electronic media there were epistolary friendships of great depth and satisfaction on the part of both participants. I would advise waiting until “the kids” grow up and begin to be the majority of society, our leaders, artists, writers, legislators, etc. before writing off their methods of communication. As an example of failed communication skills and inability to work and interact well with others, I would put before you our current Republican Senators and Representatives, few if any of whom grew up with electronic social media, but who have no ability to cooperate or negotiate creatively at all.
December 2, 2012 at 1:06 PM
usstorageunit
You have mentioned your lack of friends before. I think a huge part of it is being comfortable at home. My husband and I spend every workday apart, and some weekends he works, too. It’s nice to be home together. No need to go out.
But… If you move to the east coast we would be your friends!!
December 2, 2012 at 1:32 PM
Laurent
Dr.Spo you are a romantic, the more I read you, the more I am convinced of it. We, me and W have established friendships with people here were we live a long time ago and now that we have returned to Ottawa we are re-establishing those old friendships but it takes time and nurturing and it is not easy to keep those friendships. I have to say and just as an observation that I always found making friends with Americans difficult. Compared with other nationalities. I do not know why, maybe it is because we are on different wave length. Friends like Ernest and George are friends in a modern sense, then there are friends you depend on, close almost like family and we have those too but they are very few, maybe 2 or 3. We have also become friends with people on the internet we then later met.
December 2, 2012 at 2:22 PM
Peter
“Real friends are the ones who will give you shelter, no questions asked, in a time of war or persecution.” The rest are acquaintances.
Next to family I’ve got only 4 people I would ask to do something like that for me, and of course I would do the same for them.
Lately with my work for Pink Noord I get to know more people, but it will take time before they become really good friends.
December 2, 2012 at 2:49 PM
anne marie in philly
I have said before that I have no IRL friends, but many friends via the internet. and I am content with that.
RE: your last paragraph – just wait til march 2013! 🙂
December 2, 2012 at 3:27 PM
Ron
You’ll meet a real friend here in March. I’m the real deal. 🙂
December 2, 2012 at 3:35 PM
justajeepguy
I think a new class of friendship has come into existence. Electronic friends, as wfregosi put it, are people we might first turn to when in need of support in decision making or moral dilemma. Face to face friends (as Peter put it) we turn to for shelter, a shoulder to cry on or hand to hold.This is very difficult for electronic friends to do until there is a physical meeting at which point they cease to be electronic friends.
December 2, 2012 at 3:43 PM
Aunt Barb
I could not exist without friends. In fact, at my 50th (egad) high school reunion, we committee remarked about the absence of phones and texting. After this long all barriers aside, people just wanted to express friendship
I have a pillow on my bed that says, “Thank God for girlfriends”. Given me by a special friend. Hardest thing in leaving my former dwelling was leaving friends of 40 years.Ernests Best thing about being here is I am making connections that are significant Leonards. A couple of ‘didn’t work outs must be James!
December 2, 2012 at 6:32 PM
Urspo
It sounds like Colorado is working out well – and family around to boot !
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December 2, 2012 at 4:58 PM
Cubby
This whole face-to-face friendship business drives me nuts. What’s the difference whether you are 2 feet away from someone or 2 thousand miles? None, from what I can tell. You communicate a message, that message travels through a medium, and then the other person receives it. If the medium is vibrations through the air detected by the eardrum, or electrons displayed on a monitor detected by the eye, the message is still getting communicated. It’s the *content* of the message that matters, and I’ll take content over proximity every time.
December 3, 2012 at 4:50 AM
victorinvermont
This post has left a lump in my throat.
The whole reason I’m blogging is because I want to make friends. I bend over backwards to be a good friend to people I meet online because I can’t make those connections face to face. And still it always seems to come to that same place; I’m not a “real” friend, and I’m just some guy online.
The online friends I’ve met in real life with only a couple exceptions, have been way too frustrated or put off by my stutter. Despite long intelligent deep conversations online, once people meet me in person they treat me differently. They cut conversations short because it’s just too exhausting to hear me stammer. And then I wind up never hearing from them again. People love to say “Oh I wouldn’t be like that,” but reality has proven them wrong. Or “If people are like that they’re not worth your friendship,” but that is the way it is. Our brains are just not designed to work at the painfully slow beats per minute it takes for me to participate in a social conversation. No matter what people say, I’m the one that’s still out here with very very few friends.
I thought being online and able to express myself with the voice in my head instead of the voice in my mouth would be such an awesome vehicle for me to finally form real, deep friendships. Instead it’s like you’re saying. People are old school. “The friends I rank as best are the ones that include an element of touch.” I’m reminded of that constantly. I have no idea what else I can do.
December 3, 2012 at 7:16 AM
Raven~
Victor, I hope you check back in, and read RuralBeard’s comment below.
My partner, John, has had “cluttered speech disorder” for as long as I’ve know him — yeah, that on top of the Parkinson’s. I don’t live within, or even with, precisely what you’re describing, but I empathize.
December 3, 2012 at 8:25 AM
victorinvermont
My best wishes to John, I’m so sorry to hear what he has to deal with. My heart goes out to him. Thanks for the empathy and concern.
I did read RuralBeard’s thoughtful comment. Thanks.
December 3, 2012 at 3:15 PM
David
Victor, please enlighten us on how we can be most helpful as listeners when we are with you in person. Do we need to be more patient? Do we have trouble listening to the content of what you are saying, because “we are put off by your stutter”? What types of listeners are you comfortable talking to? It would help to have your perspective in order to improve our listening and responding skills.
There is a product called SpeechEasy which is supposed to help; however, I have heard about it only from TV news shows and the internet. You might want to research it on the web, if you have not already done so.
Best wishes, David
December 3, 2012 at 3:42 PM
victorinvermont
David, thanks for asking. I know what SpeechEasy is. It’s a good product, there are a lot of good products out there now. I have had a consistant neurogenic stutter caused by trauma for 20 years. I was in a car accident when I was 6. I do not benefit from things that aid developmental stutterers. I have brain damage. Echoing and pitch products don’t have an effect on me.
Honestly, what would really help me is not to be expected to communicate in a world that’s not mine. I can’t speak. It’s that simple. I can sign but unless the person I meet knows ASL this means nothing. Instant Messaging with someone, emailing with someone, is how I can express myself. It’s how you can hear me, it’s how I can be my most authentic self. But exactly like Michael is saying, people don’t consider what I can do to be real. He wrote: “Older docs (including myself) tend to dismiss these types of support/friends as less beneficial than ‘proper friends’. Some shrinks go so far as to dismiss virtual friends as detrimental to mental health. ‘You need to have some real friends’ we tell our patients.”
Even in your obviously very kind, gentle comment, it’s about what can people do so we can talk. What can you do as “listeners.” It’s not about what actually works for me to effectively communicate, which would be this. Writing. Emailing. IM’ing. If you and I were sitting in a cafe together it would take me a half hour to stammer this 3 paragraph answer out. I would never in a million years be able to say some of these words, so I’d pick others to get on with it. You’d get bored no matter how well intended you are, it’s just the way it is. I’d feel stared at and stupid. Nothing you can do would change that, and I don’t want to torture the hell out of people. I just want to make friends. I just want to have conversations. And that’s the thing; I thought I was. But it turns out every time I think I’m making a friend and getting close to someone, they do not feel the same way. They feel as it is explained here. It’s not “real.” And when we meet in person, it’s so frustrating for them to deal with my physical voice I usually never hear from them again.
December 3, 2012 at 5:04 AM
RuralBeard
You’ve hit the virtual nail on the head. I believe that the internet is changing how we interpret reality. Virtual friends seem very real, in point of fact, they ARE real. They care, they correspond and somehow, somehow, an emotional bond DOES or can develop. One such person has been in my life for many years now; we are real and we feel deeply for each other. Face to face friends are the icing on the cake; physical touch and their physical presence makes them tangibly real. I’ve always considered friends to be functional, and in that consideration, I have never been disappointed; all my friends more than live up to our mutual expectations. Here’s to friendships…real, or virtual, but never imagined.
December 3, 2012 at 10:03 AM
james of the woods
i prefer the term escargot, thank you very much.
December 3, 2012 at 10:35 AM
Urspo
But do you have a brick?
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December 3, 2012 at 12:51 PM
james of the woods
no. however, i am amply blessed with rocks of all shapes and sizes.
December 3, 2012 at 1:02 PM
Paul Brownsey
“Online friendships get you through to the person’s mind without a lot of irrelevant clutter.” I’m being a bit mischievous there, but I have one online friend whom I feel closer to when we are e-mailing than on the rare occasions when I meet him in the flesh. On those rare occasions I tend to feel: “Still, next week we’ll get back to our *real* connection.”
December 3, 2012 at 7:17 PM
Java
Similar to Anne-Marie in Philly, I have very few RL friends who are close enough to call if I need someone to bring over a jug of Gatorade because I have the flu and am too sick to go out and get it myself. However, I feel very close to many people I’ve “met” through the internet, specifically blogs. I’ve been blogging much less recently, thereby loosening the close connections I have had. And I miss that. IMHO, internet friendships are a valid form of friendship. Different in some ways from RL friends, sure. My blog buddies have helped me though a lot of shit in my life over the last 5 or 6 years. By the same token, I know of a few blog buddies to whom my friendship and communications have been invaluable in helping them through some tough times. I treasure the opportunities I’ve had to meet face to face with my online friends, and really miss being able to give and receive hugs from some fantastic people.
Also, “apotheosis.” Ha ha ha ha ha!!!
And you are one of the fellows I very much want to meet in person.
December 3, 2012 at 7:19 PM
Urspo
Come to the blogger jamboree in march!
Sent from nowhere in particular.
December 4, 2012 at 8:42 PM
Java
Blogger jamboree? Tell me more!
December 4, 2012 at 8:48 PM
Urspo
It’s slowly coming together – gathering in Delaware, at Ron Tipton’s hotel; 10-12 bloggers from all over for an informal dinner and boozer (no rubbish) just for meeting up and photos etc. See Ron at Retired in Delaware, some posts of his ~ week ago. I hope you and Superman can come?
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December 4, 2012 at 7:17 AM
Shawn
I consider you a friend even though we have only met once in person. I know that if I were passing through Phoenix….I would let you know and you would be more than happy to see me and the same here in San diego.
December 5, 2012 at 5:23 PM
Mark in DE
My feeling is that while internet-based friends are no less “real”, they have real limits and can not replace in-person friends.
December 7, 2012 at 4:19 AM
Buddy Bear
I very much agree with this statement! You can hug or shake hands with an online friend!
December 6, 2012 at 11:07 AM
jefferyrn
Some of the comments on this post made me feel so emotional. I am sad to here people talk about not having friends. If anyone wants a friend I am there for you!
December 9, 2012 at 2:29 PM
Chip
I too, got very emotional reading this post. It really rang ‘true’ with me.
December 11, 2012 at 11:32 PM
Erik Rubright
I’m late to the party, as I’ve been taking a hiatus for personal reasons, which oddly enough are the result of the concept of friendship. Or at least what I thought made a friendship. I’ve been dealing with the concept of what/who qualifies as a friend as of late. Hopefully I’ll get my thoughts together enough to be able to write it down in a post of my own.