Notes from the office: learning to say ‘no’

A common problem I see in my line of work is a patient with a combination of depressive and anxious symptoms ultimately stemming from giving away too much of his or herself. They report feeling drained, exhausted, and slightly irritable although ‘feeling overwhelmed” is the most often reported emotion. I call it the “I can’t say no” complex, for it is based upon the difficulty saying ‘no’ when people want something from you. One of my teachers (who spoke in ‘new age’ lexicon) referred to it via the metaphor of a money account – a bank account for grace. She would say to the patient ‘look, every day heaven deposits 100 dollars into your grace checking account and every day people come to you wanting some. You give 20 to him and 30 to her and then another 15 to Uncle Joe and 35 to the lady at the church who wants you to organize the rummage sale and 30 more to the president of your club wishing you to attend a soiree (and help run it) and lo! you are running on deficit with no grace for yourself. Every day this repeats and now you are so into the red you are figuratively drained.’ Well said I say.

People have a hard time saying no to others – the good people – as it is human nature to cooperate. If Dicky Purdy comes to you asking for a favor our proclivity is to say yes. We don’t want to disappoint or look like a bad person. We don’t want to labelled as selfish, a bad guy, or not a nice girl. What if someday we want their help? So one feels obliged to say yes to anything.*

Folks with poor esteem or a long time longing to be loved are prone to the ‘Can’t say no’ complex. They so want to be connected to the group they’ve learned to say ‘yes’ early in life, always hoping by doing so they will be loved and accepted. This often doesn’t work and there is a sense being used. Not only is the grace ATM empty we kick ourselves for being fools.

Oh the pain.

What can be done about this? Here are some simple exercises I tell the “I can’t say no” types.

Tip #1. Whenever Dicky Purdy approaches you with any request, do not immediately say yes nor stammer a no with an anxious impromptu defensive explanation. Rather to all request, pause, say ‘hmmm’, and then say the magic words:

“Let me get back to you on this”

Give them a time, like an hour or a day. You say you shouldn’t say yes without first checking your calendar for conflicts. This gives you time to ponder and escape an emotional trap. Away from the spotlight you can determine do I say yes, or no with a simple explanation?

“Hey, about your invitation to organize and run the entire church potluck I cannot I looked and I have a prior commitment.” Sometimes it’s useful to add ‘I’m sorry about this one but try me again some time’.

Or maybe say yes – with conditions:

“Hey, about that invitation to man the club’s three day long phone fund raiser. I can’t work the full three days but I can help some – on Saturday between 1-5PM. Can I do that?”

Tip #2. Practice saying no to the little things so you can say no more readily to the big things later on.

It is like bench pressing. One doesn’t start with 300lb but with the barbell until you build strength to add some weight. Thems who finding it hard to say no I get them to say ‘no’ to as many simple requests in the day as possible. At the fast food place when asked do you want to super size that or round up to the dollar for charity, say no, thank you. If offered an appointment time – even when it would be OK – say no, thank you, is there another? and see the world doesn’t end/you are not struck by lightning/condemned to hell as a bad person. Build up so when Auntie Em asks you to take her out to the grocery store on Wednesday (when you wanted the day to yourself). ‘No dear not that day – how about Thursday?” until you feel OK enough to say to the Bridge Club you are not hosting the party.

People used to saying yes find saying no liberating as if some sort of shackle has fallen from them. What they are feeling is money in the Grace Checking Account. They’ve given it all away; they have some for their own spending.

This isn’t being selfish but being Self-ful. Thems who say otherwise are the selfish ones.

Do you have a hard time saying no to people?

*Some cultures are more prone to this than others. I’m thinking of Midwesterners and West Coasters.